Members TTognaci Posted July 21, 2012 Members Share Posted July 21, 2012 Hi everyone....the ink is still very wet on this one....please give me your thoughts and impressions....all comments are looked very much forward to by me. Thanks again....-Tom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted July 21, 2012 Members Share Posted July 21, 2012 I think this is beautiful couple of things from me (im sure others may look deeper at lyrics?) 1. maybe try these chords for verse? D#/G#/D#/A#(then A#7) G#/A#/D#/G# It's similar to what you are doing but may give it a little change up. 2. The other thing that stood out was the word "silly" is there a better , more fitting way of saying this? The other lyrics all feel classic and for some reason that stuck out everytime great song though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted July 21, 2012 Members Share Posted July 21, 2012 I like it overall. Good story with a hopeful-sounding melody. A few thoughts I had: 1) The high note that you hit at the end of second and fourth lines in each stanza starts to feel a little worn as the song progresses (is that a 5th?). I'd hit it an octave down on line 2 and save the high note for line 4. 2) The story line feels unfinished, like it needs another verse to wrap things up. Maybe instead of two more "A" stanzas and a "B" stanza (chorus), you could do a "C" stanza (bridge), then finish off with one last "B" stanza (chorus). 3) A couple of the lines struck me as a bit awkward - "thinks of life as a forloning" - I've never seen forlorn used as a noun before "of the romance books she clings" - seems grammatically incorrect; should be "of the romance books to which she clings." But of course, that wouldn't sing well, so you probably should re-think that whole line. Otherwise, I really like the lyric. You have some very good lines in there. I especially liked: But he feels there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted July 21, 2012 Members Share Posted July 21, 2012 A couple of the lines struck me as a bit awkward - "thinks of life as a forloning" - I've never seen forlorn used as a noun before "of the romance books she clings" - seems grammatically incorrect; should be "of the romance books to which she clings." But of course, that wouldn't sing well, so you probably should re-think that whole line. Otherwise, I really like the lyric. You have some very good lines in there. I especially liked: But he feels there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted July 22, 2012 Members Share Posted July 22, 2012 These lyrics are really lovely. They have a certain sensitivity and are almost delicate somehow, to me... I feel this song...I long for many things right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted July 22, 2012 Members Share Posted July 22, 2012 Their longing hearts wait for something Maybe, for the wind to blow Ah, yes...a universal theme. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HoboSage Posted July 22, 2012 Members Share Posted July 22, 2012 Hi, Tom! Great song. Good luck with this in the contest elsewhere. I always look forward to hearing your songs. They're always very well-written, well played (I envy your picking skills), and well sung. This one is no exception. I love it. My only two nits, which are VERY MINOR, is that I don't like the reverb on the vocal, and I don't like the ending. Whether it's a a reverb-type and/or a reverb level and/or a reverb EQ issue, I think the reverb on the vocal should be more subtle, and be more "airy" and less "boxy" sounding. I also think you should either fade the song out while you're picking, or end it with a final chord at the mix's full volume level to ring out/fade out. The fade-picking-then-play-final-chord-at-low-volume ending here sounds odd to me. Kudos! David Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TTognaci Posted July 22, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 22, 2012 hey there Stickboy, thanks for listening and commenting!! And much thanks for the chords suggestion. ;-)As far as cliches..well, it's extremely hard to get away from them....I'm hoping that the end results spin something fresh in the minds of the listener. Thanks again..........-Tom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TTognaci Posted July 22, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 22, 2012 Hey there Monkey Uncle..........thanks sooo much for the comments.....This is a first draft and am really happy to get so many opinions and suggestions that I agree with. I do need to sharpen my eraser and go to work on this!! ;-) -Tom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TTognaci Posted July 22, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 22, 2012 And thank you, as well, LCK for the confirmation!! ;-) And thanks for listening! -Tom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted July 23, 2012 Members Share Posted July 23, 2012 Their longing hearts wait for something Maybe, for the wind to blow Ah, yes...a universal theme. Ahhh, it seems the wind has blown you back here to us, Lenno my friend. Welcome home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TTognaci Posted July 23, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 23, 2012 Hi there Grace.......Thanks for listening and commenting such nice-ities -Tom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TTognaci Posted July 23, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 23, 2012 Hi Leonard, and yes, indeed!!! Thanks for listening!! -Tom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted July 23, 2012 Members Share Posted July 23, 2012 I like your avatar, Tom. Your little girl looks like my best friend's daughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TTognaci Posted July 23, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 23, 2012 Hi, Tom! Great song. Good luck with this in the contest elsewhere. I always look forward to hearing your songs. They're always very well-written, well played (I envy your picking skills), and well sung. This one is no exception. I love it. My only two nits, which are VERY MINOR, is that I don't like the reverb on the vocal, and I don't like the ending. Whether it's a a reverb-type and/or a reverb level and/or a reverb EQ issue, I think the reverb on the vocal should be more subtle, and be more "airy" and less "boxy" sounding. I also think you should either fade the song out while you're picking, or end it with a final chord at the mix's full volume level to ring out/fade out. The fade-picking-then-play-final-chord-at-low-volume ending here sounds odd to me. Kudos! David Hey there David.....................thanks for listening and for such a positive comment. This song was done last minute, for a 1 plus 1 competition, because the song I wanted to submit was a lot more difficult to play, and I just couldn't get my singing cadence and my guitar chord picking rehursed enough to do it any justice, whatsoever.......Anyways, don't want to bore you with my definition of fun. Thanks for the insight....I agree with all that you point out, and will be doing this again. See ya........-Tom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TTognaci Posted July 24, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 24, 2012 Thank you Grace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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