Members rhino55 Posted November 28, 2012 Members Share Posted November 28, 2012 Originally Posted by Oswlek That's my favorite part of the song, I wouldn't meddle with it too much. And going through the lyric in post 1, the "we" still feels like it comes out of nowhere. I spent a few minutes trying to find a spot to insert "we" or "you" in V1, but can't find it.I might be wrong here - I don't exactly write for that age group - but I'd drop the "your" from the chorus altogether. agreed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 28, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted November 28, 2012 OK... I think right now I'm getting too sick to follow this. Back tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 28, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted November 28, 2012 Wait... (I'm stubborn) Sometimes I wanna dive into your eyes into Sometimes I wanna dive into his eyes ??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 28, 2012 Members Share Posted November 28, 2012 Originally Posted by Lee Knight OK... I think right now I'm getting too sick to follow this.Back tomorrow. I thought you were kidding about the scarlet fever? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 28, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted November 28, 2012 Originally Posted by LCK I thought you were kidding about the scarlet fever? Not kidding. My kid got Scarlet Fever ,I guess, over there. Now I'm feeling sick-ish... ahhh. Good times. She spent 2 weeks in bed in Paris. That can't be any worse, right? 15 and ready to rock Paris and... she stayed in bed the whole time. Major suck, poor thing. Anyway, the house call French doc misdiagnosed. We got back and took her in and... Scarlet Fever! Nice. She's down. I'm getting there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted November 28, 2012 Members Share Posted November 28, 2012 Originally Posted by Lee Knight Not kidding. My kid got Scarlet Fever ,I guess, over there. Now I'm feeling sick-ish... ahhh. Good times. She spent 2 weeks in bed in Paris. That can't be any worse, right? 15 and ready to rock Paris and... she stayed in bed the whole time. Major suck, poor thing. Anyway, the house call French doc misdiagnosed. We got back and took her in and... Scarlet Fever! Nice. She's down. I'm getting there. Poor thing is right. What can I say. I hope everybody is feeling better soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted November 28, 2012 Members Share Posted November 28, 2012 Get better. And stop hanging out in here for a while, you might catch something worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted November 29, 2012 Members Share Posted November 29, 2012 Sorry to hear that your daughter's 1st experience of Paris was from a sickbed. I trust that you are old, tough and resilient, and won't succumb as well. Now to your song........... I'm getting a double disconnect happening when I listen. Firstly, some of the lyric doesn't sound like the kind of thing a teenager would sing. Some lines sound like sophisticated adult observations. For example :To filter out the static At the Kardashian pool I just can't imagine a teen thinking in these terms. The other disconnect is : The melody is so good and mature. If I was given this as a backing track to write lyrics to, I would automatically be writing to an adult audience. It doesn't mean that mature melodies can't be used for teens, but casting pearls before teens and all that........ The song is about a dumbed down world - and I 'aint going to participate. So I'm posing the question : Are the music and the lyric on the same page? Or do you have 2 songs waiting to be written? OK - I'll take off my producers paper hat now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted November 29, 2012 Members Share Posted November 29, 2012 Is there any way to get the love interest thing in early like this? WE'VE BEEN walkin' around Through the streets of this town Never understand a thing WE see THE PEOPLE play actin' dead Eyes fixed straight ahead Zombie apocalypse "as seen on TV" I don't think this quite sorts it but could it somehow head this way? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 29, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted November 29, 2012 ^^^ now there's and idea... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 29, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted November 29, 2012 ??? It's So Easy V1 We've been walkin' around Through the streets of this town Never understand a thing we see It's like we're play actin' dead Eyes fixed straight ahead Two zombies tripping through Halloween Pre1 Faster faster we spin around So why do I feel it slowing down? C1 It's so easy... so easy to sleep It's so easy... but that's not me Sometimes I wanna dive into your eyes Fall asleep and fantasize Cause what can any one girl do? It's so easy... to fall into you It's so easy... but that's not what I'm gonna do V2 Sunglasses all day Sunglasses all night Blockin' out the static Open my eyes and look around Up in the sky and underground Drop the melodramatic Pre2 Faster faster I'm holdin' on I'm keepin' up, I'm going gone C2 It's so easy... so easy to sleep It's so easy... but that's not me Sometimes I wanna dive into your eyes Fall asleep and fantasize Cause what can any one girl do? It's so easy... to fall into you It's so easy... but that's not what I'm gonna do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 29, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted November 29, 2012 Or... You've been walkin' around Through the streets of this town Never understand a thing you see It's like you're playing acting dead Eyes fixed straigth ahead Nothin' matters much, it seems Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 29, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted November 29, 2012 How about this? You've been walkin' around Through the streets of this town Never understand a thing you see It's like you're playing acting dead Eyes fixed straigth ahead Nothin' matters much, it seems Pre1 Faster faster we spin around So why does it feel like it's slowing down? C1 It's so easy... so easy to sleep It's so easy... but that's not me Sometimes I wanna dive into your eyes Fall asleep and fantasize Cause what can any one girl do? It's so easy... to fall into you It's so easy... but that's not what I'm gonna do V2 Sunglasses all day Sunglasses all night Blockin' out the static (But I'm gonna) Open my eyes and look around Up in the sky and underground Drop the melodramatic Pre2 Faster faster I'm holdin' on I'm keepin' up, I'm going gone C2 It's so easy... so easy to sleep It's so easy... but that's not me Sometimes I wanna dive into your eyes Fall asleep and fantasize Cause what can any one girl do? It's so easy... to fall into you It's so easy... but that's not what I'm gonna do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted November 29, 2012 Members Share Posted November 29, 2012 Sounds good so far and .... you need a new ringtone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 29, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted November 29, 2012 A buddy has the drunken trombones form Dylan's Rainy Day Women #12 & 35 Everybody Must Get Stoned... so everytime his phone rings we hear...Bbbwwwwaaahhhh.... bwah-bwah-bwahAs much as I love that, uh, no. How 'bout Popcorn?!??! Or Funky Town! Or Dr. Frankenstien shouting "It's Alive!!!!!!! Or maybe Ed McMahan gaffawing? John Lydon singing "Iiiiiiii am the anitchddddist!"??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted November 29, 2012 Members Share Posted November 29, 2012 Originally Posted by Lee Knight How about this?You've been walkin' aroundThrough the streets of this townNever understand a thing you seeIt's like you're playing acting deadEyes fixed straigth aheadNothin' matters much, it seems Pre1Faster faster we spin aroundSo why does it feel like it's slowing down?C1It's so easy... so easy to sleepIt's so easy... but that's not meSometimes I wanna dive into your eyesFall asleep and fantasizeCause what can any one girl do?It's so easy... to fall into youIt's so easy... but that's not what I'm gonna doV2Sunglasses all daySunglasses all nightBlockin' out the static(But I'm gonna) Open my eyes and look aroundUp in the sky and undergroundDrop the melodramatic Pre2Faster faster I'm holdin' onI'm keepin' up, I'm going goneC2It's so easy... so easy to sleepIt's so easy... but that's not meSometimes I wanna dive into your eyesFall asleep and fantasizeCause what can any one girl do?It's so easy... to fall into youIt's so easy... but that's not what I'm gonna do I think this fixes it - im not totally diggin the see/seems rhymefix that and its good to go maybe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 29, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted November 29, 2012 Nothin' matters much, it seems Yeah, I know. That is a problem spot. I'll have it by days end!!!! I want to dig into some synth sounds for a change. If this goes the way of Lemon Zest, I'll have me sing it, change the gender and track guitars. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted November 29, 2012 Members Share Posted November 29, 2012 I love it so far. I'll try to give a critical look/listen later. But I just plain like it. I think this would be a great vehicle for Rebecca Black. Just what she needs to restart her career. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 29, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted November 29, 2012 Originally Posted by Marshal I love it so far. I'll try to give a critical look/listen later. But I just plain like it. I think this would be a great vehicle for Rebecca Black. Just what she needs to restart her career. Funny... that is kinda what I'm going for here too. Thanks, Marshall. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted November 29, 2012 Members Share Posted November 29, 2012 Oh I figured that. Though there's much more meat on your bones. There's a market with musical needs. No reason that age group shouldn't be served with good music. Hell, they spend more money on music than old farts anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted November 30, 2012 Members Share Posted November 30, 2012 Judging by the consensus of opinion, I guess I must have been off-track with my earlier comment (#58)......sigh....... However.....having just written that, I can feel a song coming on - title - 'Comment Number 58' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 30, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted November 30, 2012 Originally Posted by oldgitplayer Judging by the consensus of opinion, I guess I must have been off-track with my earlier comment (#58)......sigh.......However.....having just written that, I can feel a song coming on - title - 'Comment Number 58' I'm sorry I didn't respond to that. But there is an initial reason. First off though, both your lyric suggestions were taken to heart and I moved on them... both. I changed "filter out the static" to "blockin' out the static", which felt way more in character. I still think "static" works as a universal term for modern noise of all sorts. The Kardasian line, I'm not sure if you are aware of our Kardashians? I kind of liked using them as a figurehead for all that is lame in America. But as the tune took a turn to be more about her and her guy, and not about society and how a kid grows into it kicking and scratching, (which is still a great idea for a song, just not this one) the tone of the Kardasian line was wrong. Great catch on your part. I dumped the whole idea and your comments were instrumental in that.The reason I didn't acknowledge your post was because it was suggesting a rethink the basic premise. And while I think you have some GREAT observations about that, I didnt' want to lose my little bead of focus I was working. That's a dangerous thing, to start doubting the very nature of what you're doing. And, quite frankly, it can also be a great time saver if you're right. Bail out while you can. So, I'm very thankful for both tracks of thought you brought up, one I used, the lyrics, the other, the very nature of the tune, I decided to glance at and consider, but not for long. Sometimes you just gotta follow the plan to see how far off or how close your aim was. The jury's still out. Final comment on the subject: your post was as or more pertinent to the song than any. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted November 30, 2012 Members Share Posted November 30, 2012 ^^^Thanks for your lengthy and considered response Mr K......Being the kind and sensitive fella that you are, you have handled me with kid gloves.I'm fine - I didn't feel either forgotten or miffed in any way. I'm a pretty resilient and objective sort of guy. The internet is a funny thing. I realise that my words don't always convey my mood. I've come to realise that in the flesh, I use voice tone and facial expressions to carry my words most of the time. Hard to do in a message box.Anyway - thanks - you're a good guy...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 30, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted November 30, 2012 Originally Posted by oldgitplayer Anyway - thanks - you're a good guy...... Shhh... don't let it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rangefinder Posted November 30, 2012 Members Share Posted November 30, 2012 IDK... the chorus TUNE is pleasant enough, but lyrically I'm still lost as to the point of view, or for that matter, the point of the song, period. Musically it SOUNDS like a love song, but it's not. I don't know WHAT it is. Is it about her? Him? Them? The world? To take another tack here, songs are all about conveying emotion, and I'm getting no coherent sense of the narrator's emotional state here. Regret? Anger? Dismay? Love? Optimism? None of those are necessary "right" or better, but I think you have to pick one, and get the hook/chorus/basic arrangement lined up behind it. Word-smithing the verses can come later. Anyway, I've had my say. Good luck with it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.