Please give a listen to an original song

[MattSkibaIsGOD]

Hey all, I wrote this tune a week or so ago and finished it last night for the Guitar Jam Original Showcase. It's really simple and basic but I felt a real connection to it. Let me know if you like it/hate it, etc. and what could make it better. Thanks,

 

The song is called "Evelyn"

 

-Dave

 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=491019&content=music

[totamus]

thats a link to 7 songs....

 

which one?

[MattSkibaIsGOD]

Ahh sorry, the new Soundclick format sucks. The song is called Evelyn.

[Cripes]

I liked it a lot. Put a smile on my face while I listened and accompanied you. I normally capo 2 to match my voice or have to drop 1/2 step. I liked the style and the lyrics were perfect.

[MattSkibaIsGOD]

I liked it a lot. Put a smile on my face while I listened and accompanied you. I normally capo 2 to match my voice or have to drop 1/2 step. I liked the style and the lyrics were perfect.

 

 

Thanks Cripes; that means a whole lot.

[Sparhawk]

I like it. I might suggest instead of 3 beats per measure maybe 4? Makes more sense to me. ie( oh - ev - e - lyn) - Just seems rushed to me, but I still like it. Very nice.

[riffmeister]

Simple, and effective. Good stuff!

(heh....fingerstyle, no strummin')

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[babablowfish]

I like it - it has a Donovanish quality. That said, I believe that with a little work it could go from being cute to really something special. You asked, but if you don't want to hear some constructive criticism don't read any further..

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OK - The rhyming works up to a point and then it starts to feel forced and detracts from the sentiment that is being expressed. Also, the melody gets a bit repetitive. I would add some minor chords in a break to add some more emotion and drama and to give the melody some contrast.

 

Hope you aren't offended.

[MattSkibaIsGOD]

I like it - it has a Donovanish quality. That said, I believe that with a little work it could go from being cute to really something special. You asked, but if you don't want to hear some constructive criticism don't read any further.. . . . . . . . OK - The rhyming works up to a point and then it starts to feel forced and detracts from the sentiment that is being expressed. Also, the melody gets a bit repetitive. I would add some minor chords in a break to add some more emotion and drama and to give the melody some contrast. Hope you aren't offended.

Not offended at all. Thanks for taking the time to listen and evaluate. I will definitely try to re-work the rhyme scheme. I don't know if you caught it but I did throw an A minor or two before the repeat of the last verse. Could you pinpoit for me exacly where the rhyme starts to sound forced? I really like the first and 3rd verses for the most part, but all for the sake of the song.

And Riff,

[daklander]

I like it as is. Lay in a bit of fiddle in there with some mando trailing along in the background would be sweet.

[Stackabones]

I didn't know that one was yours! Too cool! I dig it.

No problem with the rhymes ... I was impressed that you kept them going. Good picking pattern and I love 6/8.

What'd you record it on?

(I need to head over to GJ and see what's up.)

[MattSkibaIsGOD]

I didn't know that one was yours! Too cool! I dig it. No problem with the rhymes ... I was impressed that you kept them going. Good picking pattern and I love 6/8. What'd you record it on? (I need to head over to GJ and see what's up.)

 

 

Thanks Stack and Dak. I recorded it in my bedroom with my Walden classical, the mic that came with my computer and Audacity. As much as I can see how the rhymes would get repetitve (and I want to see what Baba thinks about this) I thought it was kind of unique at least for my style. I do a lot of ABAB ABBA, AABB kind of rhyme stuff. Thanks for listening.

[riffmeister]

I do a lot of ABBA

Can you dial up "Dancing Queen" for us?

[MattSkibaIsGOD]

Can you dial up "Dancing Queen" for us?

ugh. no, i certainly can't.

[Samilyn]

I liked it. A sweet, simple song. Excellent lyrics. Well done.

What Cripes said. I drop 1/2 step, too, to match voice.

What Dak said - a bit of fiddle might be nice, but don't over-embellish it. I like the quality of it as it is.

[babablowfish]

OK, I gave it another listen - Remember I am trying to be helpful and not trying to be needlessly critical. I do like the song; I just think it can be improved. I write songs myself and I signed up for a service where I get written criticism so please understand that I am in the same boat.

 

Anyway, it seems that the last rhyme in each verse is a rhyme too much and feels forced and distracting to me. Caressing you until then..

Golden tears I will keep... To the boarded up well again all would work better IMHO without trying to force them into the same rhyme scheme.

 

As for the minor chord thing, what I feel the song needs is a 'bridge" that is a section with a different melody that will break up the verses you already have and add some emotion built on minor chords. For instance, in the song Here, There, Everywhere there is the bridge - I want her everywhere, when she's beside me I know I need never care. Just to love her is to meet her everywhere - and then it leads back into the main verses. I really think such a bridge would help Evelyn.

 

Again, no offense intended - just trying to help one song-writer to another.

[OldGuitarPlayer]

I liked your voice the lyrics, and the tune a lot...that and my mum's name was Evelyn and she was from Nova Scotia ( a very Celtic place indeed).

I do agree with baba a little bit about some of the rhyming but hey...it works. I also think if you slowed the tempo just a bit it'd be a little more dramatic and won't sound as rushed. Just my meager opinion that's all.

Thanks for letting us hear your stuff!

[missedmyexit]

I liked it overall. You might want to try switching the chord progression on the back 4 measures of each verse or even switching the inflection of your voice to add a little more dynamics to the song.

[MattSkibaIsGOD]

OK, I gave it another listen - Remember I am trying to be helpful and not trying to be needlessly critical. I do like the song; I just think it can be improved. I write songs myself and I signed up for a service where I get written criticism so please understand that I am in the same boat. Anyway, it seems that the last rhyme in each verse is a rhyme too much and feels forced and distracting to me. Caressing you until then.. Golden tears I will keep... To the boarded up well again all would work better IMHO without trying to force them into the same rhyme scheme. As for the minor chord thing, what I feel the song needs is a 'bridge" that is a section with a different melody that will break up the verses you already have and add some emotion built on minor chords. For instance, in the song Here, There, Everywhere there is the bridge - I want her everywhere, when she's beside me I know I need never care. Just to love her is to meet her everywhere - and then it leads back into the main verses. I really think such a bridge would help Evelyn. Again, no offense intended - just trying to help one song-writer to another.

 

 

Thanks for the help Baba. I have today to spend solely on music stuff so I will revise the song and hopefull post an updated version this evening. Thanks to everyone else for the kind words and for listening.