Help.

[Tedster]

How does one prevent a loved one from putting into motion an ill-conceived plan?

 

I've talked a bit with a couple of people about this...and I hate to go "public"...but...I need advice.

 

Any parents out there?

 

It's my daughter, Lindsay. She's 18. Yeah sure, technically an adult. Who thinks with the sound reasoning of a 13 year old. I suppose I did at that age too...but...

 

She's bent on moving to California. Groovy. Up until recently I thought she was just "California Dreaming". But...I think she's serious.

 

So what? She's 18. She's a big girl, she can do what she wants.

 

Well, she has no plans. No viable means of employment. No car. Nothing. She just wants to fly out there with her equally-delusional friend, Holly. She thinks that California is the promised land of milk and honey where everyone who has a guitar becomes rich and famous. She's not ready. At least not yet. I don't say that out of meanness...I say it in a matter-of-fact way. She's frustrated because she can't find like-minded musicians here in Kansas City. So there have to be all sorts of 'em in California. Yeah, buddy.

 

I see nothing but disaster ahead...but, who the heck am I? I'm stupid. I'm a dad, which puts my IQ below 50. Gee, I wish I were as smart as her friends. Some have advised me to "Let her go...she'll find out". But, I worry that she might find out in a way that will bring disaster.

 

Yep...I've suggested "Move out on your own HERE first...see if it works". No deal. I've suggested "Go out to California for a vacation, see how you like it." Nope.

 

I'm at my wits' end. So there. I've said it.

[Shars]

Ted

 

One thing we cant teach our children is stubboness , that comes all by its self!

I know what you mean as I have the same thing with my daughter.

She moved out a month ago and now shes finding it hard and guess who she calls for help..thats right...me and dad.

It sounds like your little girl has her mind set on doing this move and if you can prevent it, do so but I would let her go and explore because she'll only come running back home when she realises life isnt just peachie out there and that it takes some work to get any where at 18 years old.

I know how you feel mate but your gonna have to let her go and discover the world herself even if it is California.

Shes gonna so regret it, mark my words thats why you need to be there when she falls as she will fall and fairly quickly at that age.

Maybe you can suggest to her that an idea would be to look for a job and a flat before hand and then move and stress to her that money may be last thing she'll be thinking about now but being alone in a place you dont know, its going to be her best friend and it wont always be there.

Try the scare tactics and see what she says.

Tell her about a time maybe you had it really hard when you were younger and tell her it tore you apart as a person as all you could think about was when you would get a chance to live a better life..Beleive me, that works really well with kids especially if you've been through it as we all ahve.

One thing they dont like to do is make their parents mistakes as pig headed as they can be..

Tell her you love her and you want her at home safe and if she still feels in a couple of months shes ready to move to Cali, well then it would be ok by you and with your blessing but tell her your worried for her as shes your little girl and you dont want to see her suffer in anyway.

 

I hope that helps but you know where I am if you want a parent to parent talk...

[Mudcat007]

double post

[Mudcat007]

Ted,

I suspect she will not take advice from you, her parent, on this if her mind is already made up.

 

Perhaps some of the California based forumites would speak to her directly about what she should expect when she gets there. She may be able to make a more informed decision based upon real-world information from disintereted third-parties.

 

Good Luck!

[Lee Flier]

Well Ted, I know I was one of those people who told you you've just got to let her go and check it out. Part of the deal I'm sure is that she wants to make a decision independently of you, and that's appropriate for someone her age. I think I mentioned to you that I did the same thing when I was her age and I'm glad I did.

 

I know she respects me, tell her I left California for good reason.

[doug osborne]

The first question she will get from any musician in Los Angeles will be "how much does it pay."

 

She'll be astonished at housing costs, traffic, and low pay for entry-level jobs.

 

The weather's great!

[Phil O'Keefe]

Have her call me for a chat if you want Tedster... In addition to counseling her myself, I can put her in touch with several local bands who can explain what it's really like out here.

[Shars]

You know what Ted, Shes a really lucky girl to have all these great people looking out for her.

I'm sure she'll see that its a mistake when Phil, Lee et all can get to talk to her.

[Lee Knight]

..and after all of this good advice, if she still goes, make sure she goes with your blessing. At that age, there's not a lot you can do but what you have done. Showing love, concern, the benefit of your experience, and finally... support.

[Shars]

Here Here Lee, I couldn't have said it better

[Jon Doe]

I gotta go with Shars on this one. One of the hardest things for a dad to do is learn when to let go.

 

Be her saftey net, and the best damn safety net in the world at that. And when she figures it out and wants to come home, do not preach, just pick her up and dust her off the same as you have done her whole life.

 

She knows you're right, she just wants to do her own thing. Support her.

[Lee Flier]

Right on Jon!

[Johnny Storm]

Ted, when I moved to California at age 19, I had two things your daughter doesn't seem to have: a {censored}ty, unreliable car, and the full support of my parents.

 

I had no plan, no college diploma, and no money. Luckily, I had a place to stay for a week, at a friend's father's house, which gave me a few days to find a place to rent. After that, I was on my own.

 

At least your daughter is planning to move to California with a friend. If she were going to try it alone, it would probably be much harder - having a built-in roommate co-conspirator is a huge bonus.

 

Maybe, if you change your attitude and help her buy a crappy used vehicle, she'll be able to make something of herself out here in the Wild West.

 

I was somehow able to tough it out, and I ended up finding good musicians to play with, a wife to start a family with, and eventually a career involving music and audio production.

 

And make sure your daughter knows that she's always welcome back home if California doesn't work out.

 

Just my two cents - take it or leave it.

[Tedster]

Well, t'tell the truth, it's not so much that she wants to go, as to her unpreparedness about going. She's looking for cheap apartments, and oh, sure, she'll find 'em. In Watts or someplace. I wouldn't mind her going if she had a history of being able to hold a job, a car...just some basic things to give me some peace of mind in that she's not going to end up on the street. {censored}, I'm a 48 year old man, and I wouldn't THINK about doing what she's doing the way she did. Call me sexist...but...dads want to protect their daughters. Heck, I'd be even worried about my sons doing that...just leaving with no visible means of support.

 

Thanks Phil and Lee...your phones may ring soon or an IM buzz...whatever.

[Tedster]

Heck, Johnny, I'd GIVE her a car.

[Lee Flier]

Ted, the thing is... it's not like if she leaves she can't come back. You're acting like all this is so final.

 

I think I told you, when I was 17 I went off to New York City. I too had no means of support or any prospects for one. I lived in a {censored}ty neighborhood and knew nothing about holding a job or living on my own, other than having been on the road with a band, and that was with older guys - I never had to be responsible for anything really in that situation.

 

The thing is lots of young people go off on adventures (the NYC thing was the first of many for me, in fact) and get into scrapes and I think that's a GREAT thing, not a bad thing. Only by bumping up against the realities of life and getting away from the shelter and influence of family can anybody really grow up, and make the decisions they need to make, and know why they're making them ("because dad told me so" isn't a good reason).

[Shars]

Originally posted by Tedster Well, t'tell the truth, it's not so much that she wants to go, as to her unpreparedness about going. She's looking for cheap apartments, and oh, sure, she'll find 'em. In Watts or someplace. I wouldn't mind her going if she had a history of being able to hold a job, a car...just some basic things to give me some peace of mind in that she's not going to end up on the street. {censored}, I'm a 48 year old man, and I wouldn't THINK about doing what she's doing the way she did. Call me sexist...but...dads want to protect their daughters. Heck, I'd be even worried about my sons doing that...just leaving with no visible means of support. Thanks Phil and Lee...your phones may ring soon or an IM buzz...whatever.

 

Ted

 

I fully understand your annoyance that shes doing this with nothing at all set up.

My daughter Bianca is 17 and only just and shes pregnanat so you can imagine our worry about her moving away from home in such a condition with nothing! Shes tubborn as hell so any form of councilling didnt help at all

I feel helpless but I also want her to learn and fast to with the baby due in January and she has nothing set up for the little one.

She knows I am here for her and only today she called me and asked for my help for some things for the little one and I can only help as shes my baby and I dont want her or the little one to suffer but she also wants to do it by herself and I can only stand by and watch her make the mistakes and just help where I can.

Its scary as hell but what can we do as parents?

Your very lucky in that your daughter is going for a reason and not through anything you have done or because she feels she needs to go as she is getting to old to be at home, as John said, we can only let them go and try but be a safty net for them.

I know its hard and worrying day in day out but its the only thing we can do as parents, after all they fly the nest time

[geekgurl]

I hope she will take up Phil's offer on consultation.

 

I'm a Cally native, which is why I'm still here (friends, family, and I'm spoiled with the weather). Costs are very high here. Economy uptick is lagging behind the rest of the country from what I hear. Obviously, just being a musician and being in Cally isn't enough to make you rich and famous.

 

Something else ... I don't want to sound too negative or alarmist, and I'm sure you've thought of this: lots of scammers prey on naive people with dreams. If she does choose to come out, make sure she knows she can call on you for help without "I told you so" as the automatic response. You don't want pride to get in the way of her getting your help if she needs it. Also, you want her to feel like she can come to you for help no matter what happens. I guess this means you need to support her decision to come out and let her know you are rooting for her success.

 

If she has a good head on her shoulders, chances are she will be fine ...

 

What about sending her to school out here? I know there's a financial component to that, but at least it starts out as a more controlled move ...

[Shars]

You know Geekgurl has a point re college.

I think I may be able to help you if shes into music and shes sure thats what she wants to do as a vocation and is willing to learn.

I'll send you a IM and give you some details and maybe help with some string pulling.

Let me know what you think Ted but it would be a weight of yours and Debs mind knowing shes being taken care of and shes in halls rather than a flat somewhere trying to make ends meet.

Let me know anyway what you think

[cozmicslop]

My son left home before he was ready. He'd just finished a very expensive graphics/web developement training program. He was also an actor. He was very active in both fields here in Chicago and why he wanted to go to Arizona of all places was beyond me.

 

But, his buddies were there and that's where he wanted to go. It broke his mom's heart. He's an only child. I let him go. It wasn't like I could stop him.

 

In less than a year he was back home. It was harder than he thought.

 

You know what? He came home, dusted himself off for a few months and went back.

 

As hard as it seems, you have to let them go. It's the hardest part of being a parent. I let my kid know that he can always come home if it doesn't work out. That gives him some comfort, but he's determined to do his own thing.

 

I'm proud of him. I left home at an earlier age with nowhere near the support system. I raised a decent, honest, respectful and intelligent, though somerimes wacky kid. I have to trust him. What other choice do I have?

[Shars]

Ted

 

Check your messages...

[cozmicslop]

To make matters worse, when my kid went to Arizona he took a job as a bouncer at a night club in Tuscon. I couldn't have been more pissed. I've done bouncing/security/body guard work as a hustle on occasision. It's dangerous work. Even though he's 6' 8", over 300 lbs and is trained in martial arts, every time the phone rang after midnight, I was scared to pick it up.

 

One night there was a shooting outside of the club. He called to tell me about it. It seems when the shooting started the idiot club patrons went outside to see what was happening. He, having grown up in East St. Louis and on the south side of Chicago, found a brick wall to hide behind.

 

That's my baby!!!!

 

He finally found a good job doing graphics and takes acting and voice lessons in his spare time.

 

I had to trust that he had SOME good sense. He's showing my trust in him was well founded.

[Tedster]

 

Originally posted by cozmicslop every time the phone rang after midnight, I was scared to pick it up.

 

 

That's about it...but, good stuff!

[XamendedX]

I may not be a parent, but hear me out. I got married 7 months ago. I am only 18, I'll be 19 in 13 days. before I got married my dad was hell bent on changing my mind because he thought I was making a huge mistake and I was going to fail at life miserably. guess what? I pay my bills on time, I live comfortably, I'm making about 28k a year and my wife is making about 20k a year, I have a thriving band that is working on a full length record and has lots of label interest and my wife and I have an awesome relationship.

 

my point is, you can speculate all you want, but sometimes your kids will suprise the hell out of you.

[Ani]

Ted,

 

A few things...

 

First and foremost... Holly is only 15 years old; not at all legal age to go out on her own unless we're talking about 2 different Holly's.

 

Bob and Carolyn will hand Holly money on a whim for anything her little heart desires.... SPOILED ROTTEN is an understatement. Unless the parents are going to be moving to California along with Holly; I doubt very seriously that they will consent to allowing her to move out solo. At least they are not going to let her go alone without some sort of prearrangements made for her living accommodations through a relative or otherwise. If Holly goes against their will; she would be considered a runaway. With Holly being a minor and Lindsay being a legal adult now; that could lead to a few problems if Bob and Carolyn decided to push it.

 

Have you spoke with Bob about Holly's "ambitions" to join "your" daughter in a quest to explore the wild realms of Cally on their own?

 

Oh, and BTW, Amanda just told me this very minute that Holly told her that she was going to take her with her when she moved to Cali. That's been what.... 2 years ago???

 

If you don't mind my saying so, Lindsay is used to being able to escape from Holly's clutches in the comfy of Dad's Pad, but give Lindsay 2 weeks ALL ALONE with nobody but Holly and her command control................... Lindsay will run screaming home to Dad begging for mercy. You know what I'm saying Ted

 

Something that I might suggest is this...

 

Get ahold of Bob and express your concerns, find out if they will be providing any assistance for Holly's adventure, and maybe talk to him about the possibility of both sets of parents "funding" a nice little VACATION for the girls.... give em at least a couple of weeks. SET THE STAGE Ted and become a part of that dream Dad!!! Maybe Phil would be willing to give the girls a tour of his studio and personally introduce the girls to some of those folks he was talking about that struggle. Maybe you could even work something out with him to book the girls some "REAL" studio time... that's a big part of their big dream right there. The rates that Phil might offer to you would more than likely be far more affordable than what it would cost you in the long run if you end up having to travel to Cali searching for your daughter, and/or digging her out of a financial disaster.... or even worse yet, dare I say without someone blazing me, not finding her at all.

 

Affording her this opportunity to travel to Cali, maybe a delayed Graduation gift, will possibly open up the door to talk some sense into your little girl's head about finding a substantial means of support prior to making such a move. Support her efforts and her dreams by offering to get her in touch with Pro's involved in the industry that she can sit down and talk to... folks that can give your daughter pointers on what she needs to do to be able to make a living at music ( Phil, maybe Dak, maybe Bunny, may Jeff Da Weasel, ..... there are a lot of folks on the forums here that you are friends with that might pitch in on giving your girl tips or turn-offs about the music biz)

 

At least Lindsay is following her love of music and not trotting after a man. My sister pulled a stunt of following a man to Washington State where she lived in almost GHETTO conditions for several months. It cost my parents SEVERAL thousands to bail her out and bring her home.