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New Year Humor

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  • New Year Humor

    A jazz musician got to a gig early and the club owner said, "You're early! What happened?"

    The musician quickly replied, "I underslept!"

    A very intense, self-absorbed saxophone player is sitting at the bar after playing all night. A beautiful woman shyly approaches him and says, "Excuse me, I hate to intrude, but I just have to tell you that I saw you play tonight. I have never been so deeply affected by music before. It's like it woke up my mind and my heart. It also woke me up as a woman. Your music touched me so deeply that I just want to take you home with me and make mad passionate love to you all night long."

    The saxophone player stares at her for a moment and asks, "Did you see the first set or the second set?"

    Hotel guy: OK, that completes your check in, your room is #124, right down the hall.

    Musician: Thanks, it's nice to have a night off and just relax for a change. I'll think I'll have a nice dinner, glass of wine, and go somewhere to hear someone else play for a change. Do you have any jazz clubs in this town?

    Hotel guy: Well we happen to have an excellent restaurant right here in the hotel and tonight is jazz night in our lounge.

    Musician: Wow! I wonder if I would know anyone in the band?

    Hotel guy: Well, I know the pianist's name is Oscar Peterson.

    Musician: Wow! "The" Oscar Peterson?

    Hotel guy: well, not "The" Oscar Peterson, but he happens to play piano and he is a local player who we think very highly of.

    Musician: Well, I'll give him a listen.

    Hotel guy: And I think the bass player's name is Ray Brown.

    Musician: Wow! "The" Ray Brown?

    Hotel guy: Well, not "THE" Ray Brown, but his name is Raymond Brown and he happens to also play bass.

    Musician: Well, I'll check him out.

    Hotel guy: The drummer's name is Louis Bellson.

    Musician:: Wow! (you know the drill by now)

    Hotel guy: and the horn player is Kenny G.

    Musician: "THE" Kenny G?

    Hotel guy: I'm afraid so!

    A vocalist hired a piano player to accompany her at an audition for a night-club job. After listening to a couple of songs, the owner said, "Can you sing 'When Sonny Gets Blue?' It's my favorite song. If you can sing it, you're hired."

    The singer whispered to the piano player, "I don't know it all the way through."

    The piano player said, "I know it. Go ahead and start, and I'll prompt you. No problem"

    Reluctantly, she began: "When Sonny Gets Blue . . ." She looked at the piano player for help. He whispered confidently, "
    B-flat minor nine."

    front man said to the drummer, "When the band starts to swing, I want you to play more on the ride cymbal."

    The drummer replied, "When the band starts to swing, will you please raise your hand?"

    A female vocalist goes for an audition for a show. When it's her turn, she calls "I'll Remember April" in D-flat.

    "D-Flat?" the piano player exclaims.

    Taken aback, she replies "Yes, D-flat. Is that too fast?"
    "We are currently experiencing some technical difficulties due to reality fluctuations. The elves are working tirelessly to patch the correct version of reality. Activities here have been temporarily disabled since the fundamentals of mathematics, physics and reason may be incomprehensible during this indeterminate period of instability. Normal service will be restored once we are certain as to what 'normal' is."

    Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally used up and worn out, shouting ', what a ride!'

    "The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively" ~Bob Marley

    Solipsism is the new empiricism. -Alan Burdick

  • #2
    A LADY golfer, obviously much distressed, walked into the pro shop and cried,


    • #3
      I just told that in polite company, and it didn't go over too well. This, Scrubby, is your fault.


      • #4
        Yes! First score of the year.


        • daddymack
          daddymack commented
          Editing a comment
          As a follow-up on the concussion that Hillary Clinton suffered last week, yesterday a CNN reporter asked Bill Clinton, "So, how's Hillary's head?"








          His response: "Well, she's no Monica."

      • #5
        My wife finally convinced me to go hear her do her karaoke act at the local watering hole. After she finished her song and sat down next to me, she asked me what I thought.

        "I think you should sing on the radio", I told her.

        "Why," she asked, because I'm that good?"

        "No," I answered, "so I could turn you off."
        Michael D. "I'm tired of rock-and-rolling Let's get married, Honey, let's go bowling" --Martin Mull


        • daddymack
          daddymack commented
          Editing a comment

          My wife demanded I go to the pharmacy and get some pills that would make me have a long lasting erection. I came home with a box of diet pills for her.  :rimshot: