Members Telecruiser Posted October 6, 2011 Members Share Posted October 6, 2011 The thread about talk between songs got me thinking about this. Do any of you have any great one liners or short jokes that could be used in between songs? Here's one of mine - I noticed on the Cialis commercial that if you have an erection lasting more than four hours to go see your doctor. I thought about this and called my doctor. I asked him what do you do if someone comes in with this problem and he said, "I show him a picture of Janet Reno". Any more? BTW, I have been meaning to learn this one - [video=youtube;_PGPSjB4INU] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tomm Williams Posted October 6, 2011 Members Share Posted October 6, 2011 A baby seal walks into a bar, bartender says: "what'll you have?". Baby seal answers: "Anything but Canadian Club" :poke: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Telecruiser Posted October 6, 2011 Author Members Share Posted October 6, 2011 Here are some politically incorrect ones. I'm not sure I would use all of these as is, some would require a bit of editing. I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg." I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume he was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists? A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening". The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back. At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!! One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either. There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets. You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools. A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache." Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend!! Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard. The Red Cross has just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Voltan Posted October 6, 2011 Members Share Posted October 6, 2011 i sat and laughed through that one... and after the video was done i realized one of my parrots was in the next room singing "bad jokes" and trying to work out some of the lyrics... thanks.. :faceplam: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators daddymack Posted October 6, 2011 Moderators Share Posted October 6, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Telecruiser Posted October 6, 2011 Author Members Share Posted October 6, 2011 i sat and laughed through that one... and after the video was done i realized one of my parrots was in the next room singing "bad jokes" and trying to work out some of the lyrics... thanks.. :faceplam: Here ya go for your next show. The blind man's seeing eye dog Pissed on the blind man's shoe The blind man said, "Here Rover, Here's a piece of beef for you." His wife said, "Don't reward him. You can't just let that pass." The blind man said, "I gotta find his mouth, so I can kick him in the ass." Chorus Bad Jokes, Lord I love them. Bad jokes, Can't get enough of 'em. oo oo oo whee, Bad jokes for me. You got one Dusty. I got one Lefty. Let's hear it. When God created woman, He gave not two breasts but three. When the middle one got in the way God performed surgery. Woman stood before God, With middle breast in hand. Said "What do we do, With the useless boob?" And got created man. Bad Jokes, Lord I love them. Bad jokes, Can't get enough of 'em. oo oo oo whee, Bad jokes for me. Gramps turned 80 the other day, He never did find his way. He dressed up in a brand new suit, Sitting in a big lawn chair. When a beautiful young naked woman, Stood up in front of the group. She offered gramps some super sex , And he said, "I'll take the soup!" Bad Jokes, Lord I love them. Bad jokes, Can't get enough of 'em. oo oo oo whee, Bad jokes for me. You ready for another one? Yea, lay it on me. Olie went to the neighborhood dance, And he won the big door prize. Was a toilet brush, And he took it home. And the next week one of the guys, Said, "Olie, how's that toilet brush, The one you won from the neighbors?" Olie said, "Oh, it works pretty good, but I prefer toilet paper." Bad Jokes, Lord I love them. Bad jokes, Can't get enough of 'em. oo oo oo whee, Bad jokes for me. Farmer had a champion bull, Bred 200 times a year. Farmer's wife said, "200 times. Isn't that wonderful dear. Maybe you otta watch 'em Maybe he'll show you how." Farmer said, "He's a heck of a bull, But it wasn't all with same cow." Come on now. Bad Jokes, Lord I love them. Bad jokes, Can't get enough of 'em. oo oo oo whee, Bad jokes for me. You gotta another one Dusty? Actually I do. You hear about the viagra shipment that got stolen? No, who they think did that? Well they don't know, But they are on the lookout for hardened criminals. You got another one? I got another one Lefty. Sven said to his friend, "O, I think my wife died." His friend said, "What do you mean you think?" "Well, the sex is still the same, But the dishes are stacking up." Hey Dusty. Yea Lefty. Did you know that diarrhea was hereditary? No, I didn't. Yea, it runs in your jeans. Heya, Lefty. Yea, go aheadin. Why do they call it PMS? PMS, well I don't know why? Mad cow was already taken. Hey, Dusty. Yea, Lefty. What do you get when you cross Holy water with castor oil? I don't know Lefty. What do you get? A religious movement. Heya, Hey, Lefty. What did the elephant say to the naked man? What did he say? He said, "It's cute, But can you really breath through that thing?" Come on Bad Jokes, Lord I love them. Bad jokes, Can't get enough of 'em. oo oo oo whee, Bad jokes for me. Bad Jokes, Man I love them. Bad jokes, Can't get enough of 'em. oo oo oo whee, Baaaad, Whoo jokes for meee. Hey! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members YeahDoIt Posted October 6, 2011 Members Share Posted October 6, 2011 My dog is so dumb he walks backwards and wags his head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wrongnote85 Posted October 6, 2011 Members Share Posted October 6, 2011 whats the difference between jam and jelly?i can't jelly my dick in your ass. what's the opposite of christopher reeve?christopher walken. the way i see it, for as much money as they charge for a cup of coffee at starbucks the least they could do is put some tits on that mermaid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 55fmj Posted October 8, 2011 Members Share Posted October 8, 2011 Telecruiser.... what movie is that from ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pinkfloydcramer61 Posted October 8, 2011 Members Share Posted October 8, 2011 Telecruiser ain' right lol! Funniest thing I ever read on a restroom wall: "Your mother sucks ("n"-word racial epithet) dicks". (decidedly NOT funny) But underneath that, someone wrote GO HOME DAD YOU'RE DRUNK. Sorry, I think that's extremely funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Telecruiser Posted October 9, 2011 Author Members Share Posted October 9, 2011 Telecruiser.... what movie is that from ? "A Prairie Home Companion" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members richardmac Posted October 9, 2011 Members Share Posted October 9, 2011 Some Rated G Jokes: What's the difference between a puppy and a Singer/Songwriter? The puppy will eventually stop whining.What do you get when you toss a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dparr Posted October 10, 2011 Members Share Posted October 10, 2011 My dog is so dumb he walks backwards and wags his head. Nice!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fingerpicker Posted October 10, 2011 Members Share Posted October 10, 2011 "HERES TO HORSES AND WOMEN,.....AND THE MEN THAT RIDE THEM" another one liner: "Are you all retarded?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members musicmanmu Posted October 10, 2011 Members Share Posted October 10, 2011 My girlfriend's so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches some couch! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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