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Space Song


Blakemore

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It's been awhile since I've been on Harmony Central, but it feels good to be back! I've been writing a lot of songs lately, and decided I should start frequenting the songwriting section again. Glad to see some familiar faces on here still!

 

Here is a new song I've been working on though. Any feedback you have would be appreciated! That said, I see myself as much more of a musician than a lyricist, so I know the lyrics are definitely my weakest link. Thanks in advance!

 

https://soundcloud.com/blake-104/space-song

 

 

Lyrics:

 

Space Song

I feel small, and stand in awe

Of all I’ll never know

It’s so dark and feels so far

From out here on my own

 

I can’t stand to see the horizon

It’s rising and falling like the stars

Don’t know what’s out here waiting

But I wanted to go

 

And I want you to know…

 

You don’t notice just how far

‘til you’re looking back on the world

I don’t care to see what’s become,

What is happening and what is done

 

I can’t stand to see the horizon

It’s rising and falling like the stars

Don’t know what’s out here waiting

But I wanted to go

 

And when the dawn arises

Baby don’t be long

You’re gonna miss me darling

And when the day is breaking

I’ve already gone

But I’m wishing and wishing I’d stayed here

I want you to know

 

I don’t know just where I went wrong

And why I’m on my own

Nothing to feel just embraced

By the sun, and the sea, and the stars

 

And when the dawn arises

Baby don’t be long

You’re gonna miss me darling

But while I’m out here waiting

I know you’ve moved on

But I’m wishing and wishing I’d stayed here

I want you to know

 

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This is very nice, great flowing vibe to the music and the melody - cool restrained performance, nice spacey vibe. Some great lines "horizon / it's risin'".

 

The words in the first verse are off I think, should we go off the recording or the lyric above?

 

Big thing for me it the chorus lets it down a bit - it doesn't stick at all, and part of that is the melody, but also the lyrics seem sall over the place - what are you actually saying? You're saying "don't be long" and then you've moved on while waiting, but you wish you'd stayed? It's confusing, and the chorus would benefit from a clear thought that summed it up, ideally in a unique phrase that could be the hook/title. Maybe start the chorus with "hey I want you to know..." and then say it straight up.

 

Good stuff - hope this helps.

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This is very nice, great flowing vibe to the music and the melody - cool restrained performance, nice spacey vibe. Some great lines "horizon / it's risin'".

 

The words in the first verse are off I think, should we go off the recording or the lyric above?

 

Big thing for me it the chorus lets it down a bit - it doesn't stick at all, and part of that is the melody, but also the lyrics seem all over the place - what are you actually saying? You're saying "don't be long" and then you've moved on while waiting, but you wish you'd stayed? It's confusing, and the chorus would benefit from a clear thought that summed it up, ideally in a unique phrase that could be the hook/title. Maybe start the chorus with "hey I want you to know..." and then say it straight up.

 

Good stuff - hope this helps.

 

I agree. Very nice track and vocal. Very listenable.

 

I also agree that the lyric isn't totally coherent. There are also a few spots where you're rushing the tune to fit in more syllables to one or two of the words and phrases you've got.

 

But other than it was very enjoyable!

 

 

 

 

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Thanks a lot, guys! Some great points made. I'm going to take awhile to try and work on some corrections, but I definitely appreciate the feedback, and just wanted to say thank you! I'll see what I can do about incorporating your suggestions.

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