Members Barry Jive Posted June 8, 2002 Members Share Posted June 8, 2002 haha, or my spelling. I already know it's horrendous. You watched the fight, I watched the night go byno sparks were gonna flyI was dissapointed by the pointedness of your lovlinessthat was passing me by, it was passing me by. Chorus:Old love is for the young at heartI fear that time has come and goneI think you're finally scared nowthat maybe you have maybe found the one Angels weeps and god just shakes his headas we each lie in our seperate bedsI think about the way you kiss, I think about the things I'd miss if you were gone Chorus: Bridge which doens't exist yet chorusend Yeah, it's not done, but it has a certain vibe to it. I'm going to try to get some $$ to record it or borrow my friends 8 track.It has kind of a Paul Simon James Taylor vibe to it, I'm diggin' it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kingnome Posted June 8, 2002 Members Share Posted June 8, 2002 Capitalize God. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SomeGuyNamedRob Posted June 8, 2002 Members Share Posted June 8, 2002 Also, it should be "Angels weep" not "weeps." All in all, the lyrics leave me kind of non-plussed on their own. I guess I'd have to hear the music underneath them. Right now it kind of reads like a bad love poem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sansunzeste Posted June 9, 2002 Members Share Posted June 9, 2002 The verses seem short and without substance. It doesn't "paint me a picture." BE BEAUTIFUL MAN BE BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mcflytrap Posted June 9, 2002 Members Share Posted June 9, 2002 I thought it was good. The only line I had a problem with was "no sparks were gonna fly"...seems a bit generic and anti-poetic to me. I'd use something like a bit more strong than sparks. Sparks implies (to me) surface infatuation, lust, and heat...unless that's the message you were trying to convey. Either way, your rhyming seemed to flow nicely. Be sure to post a link when you record it. -mcfly- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bigMIke Posted June 9, 2002 Members Share Posted June 9, 2002 I saw some good stuff here as well as some things that I would recommend changing. I like the fact that it is telling a story with some nice imagery. "You watched the fight, I watched the night go byno sparks were gonna fly"THis is good. "I was dissapointed by the pointedness of your lovliness"This feels clumsy to me. Plus, I am not at all sure what it means. "that was passing me by, it was passing me by."Repetition. Is it adding anything new to the song? Chorus:"Old love is for the young at heartI fear that time has come and goneI think you're finally scared nowthat maybe you have maybe found the one"THis is good, except for the repetition of 'maybe' "Angels weeps and god just shakes his head"Yes, it should be 'Angels weep'. "as we each lie in our seperate bedsI think about the way you kiss, I think about the things I'd miss if you were gone"Fine. For the most part I like it. You could do a bit more with the language though. I look forward to hearing it. Please repost it when you have completed the lyrics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sjonesmusic Posted June 9, 2002 Members Share Posted June 9, 2002 Originally posted by das Nichts No. It's apparent that in many of your posts, you think being an ass is acceptable... Make a choice to be helpful in here, or leave... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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