Members rhino55 Posted May 21, 2015 Members Share Posted May 21, 2015 EDIT: Here it is with a proper chorus http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=13132769&q=hi When It's All Poetry I can tell you're not worried about me That's quite alright I'll still give you the courtesy Of telling you I'll be fine I'll be fine I can see the greener pasture too I get you can't resist Kissed by the early morning dew Know that you'll be missed You'll be missed I've never been good at leaving But you seem to have the knack Don't let me hold you up No need for you to look back When it's all poetry it's all fiction All it can be is alright There's truth and no need to listen Know I'll be fine I'll be fine Original post: Here's another one I wrote on the piano. I think I still remember how to play guitar There are a couple lines I keep going back and forth on. I'll see if the same ones jump out at youz guyz. (just got back from the North East and that's how they talk) http://www.soundclick.com/player/sin...=13128298&q=hi When It's All Poetry I can tell you're not worried about me That's quite alright I'll still give you the courtesy Of telling you I'll be fine I'll be fine I can see the greener pasture too I get you can't resist Kissed by the early morning dew Know that you'll be missed You'll be missed I've never been good at leaving But you seem to have the knack Don't let me hold you up No need for you to look back When it's all poetry it's all fiction All it can be is alright There's no need for you to listen Know I'll be fine I'll be fine I've never been good at leaving But you seem to have the knack Don't let me hold you up No need for you to ever look back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted May 22, 2015 Members Share Posted May 22, 2015 Love the piano figure and it’s unorthodox balance (hangs on last chord longer than we anticipate), and love the vocal playing off it. For me without any let up of variation it gets old by the second stamza I think, that may be the point to mix it up. In general the lines are all the same length with a ton of space between. Consider mixing up your line length a bit and getting in some faster lines. Lyrically, really love the first stanzas, feels like it’s building somewhere and but then you basically keep saying the same thing over and over, feels like it needs to develop a bit, acquire some more weight. My $.02 hope it helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted May 22, 2015 Members Share Posted May 22, 2015 im in agreement with MB. Personally id make V2 twice as long lyrically but deliver it in the same amount of bars..... basically fitting two lines into the same amount of time without the gaps. Loved the chorus BUT it felt like a really great bridge...that last note was just about to hit the heights of leading into a glorious proper chorus but then it ended. Keep working on this one its great so far Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted May 22, 2015 Members Share Posted May 22, 2015 ... basically fitting two lines into the same amount of time without the gaps. That was my thought as well throughout. Once you get really comfortable with this song you'll get that flow happening better. When it's all poetry it's all fiction All it can be is alright Love that line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted May 22, 2015 Author Members Share Posted May 22, 2015 Great ideas here, thanks. I'm thinking the 'When it's all poetry' bit makes a better chorus. When it's all poetry it's all fictionAll it can be is alrightThere's truth and no need to listenKnow I'll be fine I think that helps some with it basically saying the same thing over and over. Stick, when you said the chorus felt like a bridge were you talking about lyrically or musically? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted May 23, 2015 Members Share Posted May 23, 2015 Musically.... It built to a note that felt like it was leading perfectly into a great chorus but then just ended. Felt like a wasted opportunity Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted May 23, 2015 Members Share Posted May 23, 2015 I think that helps some with it basically saying the same thing over and over. No, I mean to me you're literally saying almost the exact same things in every stanza, adding nothing, the song needs to go somewhere or you need to add some layers/depth with each verse. Idealy each verse should make the repeating chorus that much richer. Again, my $.02, could be wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Members Share Posted May 26, 2015 No, I mean to me you're literally saying almost the exact same things in every stanza, adding nothing, the song needs to go somewhere or you need to add some layers/depth with each verse. Idealy each verse should make the repeating chorus that much richer. Again, my $.02, could be wrong. I don't think you're wrong at all, but as it's sitting right now, I think it's working better. V1 V2 Bridge (never been good at leaving) chorus (all poetry... musically it's similar to the bridge, but starts on a G instead of Em. I'm not sure if I'd call it glorious, but it does feel proper.) instrumental over either V or bridge music chorus Still might need to add another verse before the last chorus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted May 27, 2015 Author Members Share Posted May 27, 2015 Here's a demo http://www.soundclick.com/player/sin...=13132769&q=hi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 27, 2015 Members Share Posted May 27, 2015 I like the verses, musically. The chorus feels rushed b/c the lyric has too many syllables. I like the conceit, but I'm wondering if there's another way to say "if it's all poetry it's all fiction" with fewer syllables? That would nail it for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted May 28, 2015 Members Share Posted May 28, 2015 I like the verses, musically. The chorus feels rushed b/c the lyric has too many syllables. I like the conceit, but I'm wondering if there's another way to say "if it's all poetry it's all fiction" with fewer syllables? That would nail it for me. Agree Surely "when it's all poetry and fiction....." would work? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted May 28, 2015 Author Members Share Posted May 28, 2015 Thanks for the feedback. Listening back, it speeds up at the chorus. I like a little pull, but I think that was a bit much, and didn't help with the lyric feeling rushed. I agree "when it's all poetry and fiction" could work and that applies "all" to both which I like for the symmetry, but I really like the flow of logic for "when it's this it's this." The only two other options I can see are cut an "all," which would have to be the one in front of poetry, or cut "when." If it's played at an appropriate tempo, do you think cutting one syllable is going to be enough? The choices: when it's all poetry and fictionwhen it's poetry it's all fictionit's all poetry it's all fiction I'm all ears if anybody else has any ideas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 28, 2015 Members Share Posted May 28, 2015 When it's poetry, it's fiction...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted May 28, 2015 Members Share Posted May 28, 2015 When it's poetry' date=' it's fiction...?[/quote'] Just about to chime in with the very same thing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted May 28, 2015 Author Members Share Posted May 28, 2015 I'll add it to the list of things to try out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted May 30, 2015 Members Share Posted May 30, 2015 This is great. I still think you need some kind of change up on the verses so it's not so repetitive, but the lyric is working. I agree with everyone on the chorus words. Here's an idea if you want to keep the opening line, keep whatever you want or none: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13134841 When it's all poetry it's all fictionand all it can be is alright nowThere's truth and no need to listenand know I'll be finebe fine right nowright now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted May 30, 2015 Members Share Posted May 30, 2015 [deleted - whoops, double post] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Members Share Posted June 1, 2015 This is great. I still think you need some kind of change up on the verses so it's not so repetitive, but the lyric is working. I agree with everyone on the chorus words. Here's an idea if you want to keep the opening line, keep whatever you want or none: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13134841 When it's all poetry it's all fiction and all it can be is alright now There's truth and no need to listen and know I'll be fine be fine right now right now Really cool. Thanks for taking the time to do this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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