Members mbfrancis Posted April 26, 2014 Members Share Posted April 26, 2014 OK, trying to finish a song a week, sorry for clogging up the board. This is another one that was 90% done for ~15 years and I finally forced myself to finish tonight. It's kind of a jazz(y) musical theater piano ballad, standard-type thing. Nice chords + melody, definitely needs some lyrical fine-tuning, though - so let me know what rubs you wrong. (Also, who do you see singing something like this?) Rock! http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12769813 Love Treat Me Kind Love, treat me kind,though it hurts too much to sayLove, please don’t mindthat you have to see me this wayshaking from my head down to my feetbreaking open every time we meetI can’t make him love me can I?Why’s he so much stronger than I?Love treat me kind…tonight Love, treat me kind,wish I’d never seen your faceLove, is he blind?to never see himself in my warm embraceLaughing at the clouds above my headwhen I should be in his arms insteadHe’s just a child, he’s not perfect is he?Then why does his touch make me dizzy?Love treat me kind…tonight Every time we end like this togetherLove, you let me downSo I pray you’d up and fly awayBut I know that’s wrongI know it’s trueThat the whole world starts and end with you Laughing at the clouds above my headwhen I should be in his arms insteadI can’t make him love me can I?Why’s he so much stronger than I?Love treat me kind (3x)…tonight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 26, 2014 Members Share Posted April 26, 2014 It feels like a ballad from a musical - it's very nice.Melodically, the 1st 4 lines of the verses are not as strong as the remaining lines and the Bridge. So you've set your own standard of melody, but IMO fallen short on those 4 lines. I think the lyric may be better than you think - it's pretty right for the genre. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 26, 2014 Members Share Posted April 26, 2014 Beautiful melody. The lyric is not bad either. Some clever rhymes. The song has a strong emotional pull, which is nice. The structure is unusual. Standard verses are usually written in 8, 12, or 16 bar sections. Yours have 18. It doesn't really sound like a standard to my ears, though. And not just for the # of bars. It sounds more like a theater piece. But I could definitely hear someone from the cabaret world putting this in their act. If it were my song I'd cut the verses down to 12 bars and add some internal rhymes, like so: Love, treat me kind,though it hurts too much to sayLove, please don’t mindthat you have to see me this wayI can’t last much longer can I?Why’s he so much stronger than I?Love treat me kind…tonight. Love, treat me kind,wish I’d never seen your faceLove, is he blind?to never see himself in my warm embraceGod knows he's not much, he’s not perfect is he?So why does his touch always make me dizzy?Love treat me kind…tonight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 26, 2014 Author Members Share Posted April 26, 2014 Thanks guys. You're right, clearly this is musical theater. Given that, do you think I can get away with the verse length? I kind of like the unorthodoxy and the part you cut (laughing at the clouds) is probably my favorite melody, although it's a bit Andrew Lloyd Weber I admit. Do you think it drags? Like the word fine-tuning, will be tweaking definitely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 26, 2014 Members Share Posted April 26, 2014 Thanks guys. You're right' date=' clearly this is musical theater. Given that, do you think I can get away with the verse length? I kind of like the unorthodoxy and the part you cut (laughing at the clouds) is probably my favorite melody, although it's a bit Andrew Lloyd Weber I admit. Do you think it drags.[/quote'] No, I don't think it drags. It just doesn't come off as a standard. You could try the cut just to see if it works -- strengthens the song. If it does, you could save the other melody for something else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 26, 2014 Members Share Posted April 26, 2014 By the way, Cole Porter wrote quite a few songs where the verses didn't fit the usual pattern. [video=youtube;AofwJ5tv35g] So did Hoagy Carmichael. [video=youtube;swqQmDU-jjY] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 27, 2014 Members Share Posted April 27, 2014 Listening again. It's really lovely as is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 27, 2014 Author Members Share Posted April 27, 2014 Thanks.Well I thought about - the suggested trims work but definitely make it more of a standard, which then puts a ton of expectations on it - discipline, tightness, timelessness, etc. Eek. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 27, 2014 Members Share Posted April 27, 2014 Thanks. Well I thought about - the suggested trims work but definitely make it more of a standard, which then puts a ton of expectations on it - discipline, tightness, timelessness, etc. Eek. Welcome to my world... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted April 27, 2014 Members Share Posted April 27, 2014 Very nice tune - one suggestion, on the lines "Why’s he so much stronger than I?" and "Then why does his touch make me dizzy?" I'd like to hear the melody reach up higher on the last three syllables, with some passion and the last syllable held for a 2-3 beats. The vowels "I" and the "ee" of "dizzy" are great vowels for held vocal notes. Make those lines the big emotional "yearning" high points. The song needs a dramatic high point such as I'm suggesting - it flows along very well, smoothly, nice changes, but doesn't really peak strongly as currently written. Also, if you make high dramatic points at the ends of those lines, you'd be set up just great for sticking in a couple of extra beats or even a whole bar just to hold the moment (a good place for, you know, high bells or something, disneyesque) I'm hearing a Julie Andrews sort of clear, simple, poignant voice for this tune. Or a modern equivalent. nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 27, 2014 Members Share Posted April 27, 2014 The verse melody lines 5 to 9 are the strongest, so it would be strange to dispense with any of them.And I'll say it again - lines 1 to 4 aren't as strong, and feel they would benefit from a melodic tweak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 28, 2014 Author Members Share Posted April 28, 2014 Very nice tune - one suggestion' date=' on the lines "Why’s he so much stronger than I?" and "Then why does his touch make me dizzy?" I'd like to hear the melody reach up higher on the last three syllables, with some passion and the last syllable held for a 2-3 beats. The vowels "I" and the "ee" of "dizzy" are great vowels for held vocal notes. Make those lines the big emotional "yearning" high points. The song needs a dramatic high point such as I'm suggesting... I totally get that. You're saying also set up the last line/title better, with more drama. I'm wondering if I need to to that every time, or maybe just the last one? Hmmm. And I'll say it again - lines 1 to 4 aren't as strong' date=' and feel they would benefit from a melodic tweak.[/quote'] I guess to me it kind of starts slow out the gate and builds emotionally with each section. I can't change the first half of each line - that's the main motif - but could tweak the second halves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 28, 2014 Members Share Posted April 28, 2014 I guess to me it kind of starts slow out the gate and builds emotionally with each section. I can't change the first half of each line - that's the main motif - but could tweak the second halves. I understand slow out of the gate followed by emotional build, but as an opener it's not quite enough to sustain interest IMO. Tweak and you will be happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 28, 2014 Members Share Posted April 28, 2014 I understand slow out of the gate followed by emotional build, but as an opener it's not quite enough to sustain interest IMO. I don't know about that. I kind of like the way it starts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted April 28, 2014 Members Share Posted April 28, 2014 OP That's great. Your range is astonishing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted April 28, 2014 Members Share Posted April 28, 2014 Perfect for Frozen. [video=youtube;moSFlvxnbgk] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 28, 2014 Author Members Share Posted April 28, 2014 Perfect for Frozen. [video=youtube;moSFlvxnbgk] Yeah, that was kind of the idea, something that could be performed on Oscar night. No irony, no cleverness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 29, 2014 Moderators Share Posted April 29, 2014 Yeah, that was kind of the idea, something that could be performed on Oscar night. No irony, no cleverness. Aha! I get it now. I love it. I wasn't hearing the tune in a straight way. But now the lyric and tone work for me. It's the title that might be a little misleading. "Love... treat me kind." It has a very Pal Joey sort of vibe to it. Street weary and wise. It doesn't sound like something a Mermaid or a Princess or a young woman would sing. But! Every other word does. I'd play with the idea of changing a few words to stay in her character. But keep it as it is now addressing the entity "Love". Love... if you could.... try and be nice". "Love, this time... play nice." Love, don't be mean!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 29, 2014 Author Members Share Posted April 29, 2014 Aha! I get it now. I love it. I wasn't hearing the tune in a straight way. But now the lyric and tone work for me. It's the title that might be a little misleading. "Love... treat me kind." It has a very Pal Joey sort of vibe to it. Street weary and wise. It doesn't sound like something a Mermaid or a Princess or a young woman would sing. But! Every other word does. I'd play with the idea of changing a few words to stay in her character. But keep it as it is now addressing the entity "Love". Love... if you could.... try and be nice". "Love, this time... play nice." Love, don't be mean!" I get this, the grammar rubs me wrong, too, and is a little out of character with the rest, except...it's a bit like those brands or songs that purposefully misspell words to be unique. In this case, saying "love please be nice" or some such is not unique enough to be memorable, while the blatant grammar mess "love treat me kind" *is*, somewhat. (Also what you propose would upend the first 4 lines of each verse!) Also, I'm not so sure it's an ingenue - can still be an Oscar song if coming from a knowing woman. The frustrating thing about all the suggestions is that I get them, they make sense, but I'm not sure I can execute them without breaking the thing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 29, 2014 Members Share Posted April 29, 2014 I think its solid. Only two spots that I think might need attention lyrically... and I think what you already have works for the intended genre, so take this with a grain... is Love, please don't mind and In my warm embrace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted April 29, 2014 Members Share Posted April 29, 2014 Yeah, the character would just have to have had one prior unhappy love experience to "qualify" for this song. I like the personification of "Love" that she's singing to. Could be a greek myth motif - singing to a statue of Aphrodite or even Cupid. Or any other personification would work - could just be a personal "prayer to whoever" - I would think that, if this got picked up, the lyrics would be reworked for some specific scenario anyway. This is one of those "themes for an imaginary western" (or film or play or musical or sitcom, whatever..) So I'd just go with it, meself. It nails a mood, tells a little tale, inspires sympathy, et al. Nothing more required... nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 29, 2014 Author Members Share Posted April 29, 2014 Love, please don't mind and In my warm embrace Agreed on both, "embrace" especially, it's artificial - thanks for calling out. Yeah' date=' the character would just have to have had one prior unhappy love experience to "qualify" for this song.[/quote'] Exactly. But does it need a musical or story around it to stand up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 29, 2014 Members Share Posted April 29, 2014 If you're looking for suggestions Love, I think you'll findI haven't always been this way Love, treat me kindWish I'd never seen his faceLove, is he blindI could understand if that were the case Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 29, 2014 Members Share Posted April 29, 2014 Yeah, the title should probably be changed to "Love, Please Be Kind..." Maybe? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 29, 2014 Author Members Share Posted April 29, 2014 OK how about: Love treat me kindThough it hurts to have to saylove do you mind?I hate to let you see me this wayshaking from my head... and Love treat me kindwhy do you cut me down to size?love is he blindto never see the love that burns in my eyes Not sure if these are better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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