Lonelier - help updating teenage lyrics

[mbfrancis]

OK, I finished another song. Which means I thank the gods and submit it here for skewering. Considering I have been stuck for years with 30-40 (50?) songs in various states of completion, taking one from 85% to done is a very good thing. Done is good. Thank you guys for inspiration.

 

So...here is "Lonelier." If some of these lyrics sound like teenage pretension, they are - I wrote a good chunk of this at 16-17. Despite that, I like this a lot, and think the lyrics just need a bit of nudging/tightening/coherence, maybe remove some of the dorkier lines. (Or does it stand on it's own?) [Edit:the theme has gelled into something close to LCK's recent "Cheating on Each Other," where two people grow apart while still in the relationship, if that helps.] I know when I wrote them I thought the opening lines were the coolest, sharpest thing on the planet - now they're probably the first thing I'd replace. The arrangement is all in progress, although it's deliberately only piano + drums/perc....no other instruments.

 

Hot of the presses...please call out any lyrics which rub you wrong, thanks!

 

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12761953

 

“Lonelier”

 

Are you ready for my humbling politeness

I like to think that it’s genuine

Ten summer days just crept away

It’s time to cry and time to never know why, know why

Well I can’t wait forever or forever and a day cause

I can’t wait for never to never come again and

I can’t look ‘cause I can see no reason in your eyes, your eyes

 

Time will pass away

Leaving us lonelier

Than we were

Yesterday

 

Are you waiting for the moment to be unkind

I’d like to say that now is opportune

When I was young, I was new

Maybe a bit misguided but I’d have seen through you - you too?

Well I don’t claim to understand your coy demands and

I don’t particularly care what you do when I’m not there and

Do you still have faith in me despite my smug complacency

“don’t you wish I did,” you said – well I do

 

Time will pass away

Leaving us lonelier

Than we were

Yesterday

 

What’s the over/under on

We overstay our time

And miss all the signs

and will we maybe make it through

To the happy other side

And look ‘round to find

We’ve wasted our time

 

Are you ready for my humbling politeness

I like to think that it’s genuine

Well I can’t wait forever or forever and a day cause

I can’t wait for never to never come again and

I can’t look ‘cause I can see no reason in your eyes, your eyes

 

Time will pass away

Leaving us lonelier

Than we were

Yesterday

 

 

[oldgitplayer]

I agree that there are a few lines here and there that warrant revisiting, but I'll leave that to you.

My single suggestion is with regard to the repeated 'Chorus'.

Maybe instead of total duplication, you might move the 2nd part into present tense like the verses:

 

Time will pass away

Leaving us lonelier

Than we were

Yesterday

Time will pass away

And leave us lonelier

Than we are

Today

[mbfrancis]

I agree that there are a few lines here and there that warrant revisiting, but I'll leave that to you.

No! That's the whole point, I'm so close to it I'm not sure which lines are gold or which ones suck. Which do you think "warrant revisiting"?

[LCK]

"unkind"

 

That's the only thing I'd change (because of a prosody problem). The rest of the lyric is, to my mind, quite wonderful in its own way. And by that I mean it feels totally and completely in synch and "at one" with the feeling and the rhythm of the music.

 

Seriously. It's quite wonderful. It's not a style of music I'm crazy about, but I would probably listen to this over and over again because it's telling a true (or true-sounding) story in a unique and compelling way.

 

Nicely done!

 

[oldgitplayer]

No! That's the whole point, I'm so close to it I'm not sure which lines are gold or which ones suck. Which do you think "warrant revisiting"?

OK - I probably jumped too quickly into commenting on the lyric. It sounds better than it reads.

It reads too busy, but you pull it off in the delivery in an almost wittering teenage angsty sort of way. LCK is right - the music supports the lyric well.

[Foose31]

I think your lyrics are perfect the way they are..I really enjoyed listening to your song while follwing along to the lyrics you posted.

 

Martin, you have a really great voice, enjoyable to listen to.

[Oswlek]

Astounding. Don't change a thing,

[Lee Knight]

 

Really great stuff. I think everyone might dissagree with me but I'm not fond of the bolded below. It feels a little Pet Shop Boys removed. Self aware and youth trying a bit too hard. Which I like and would love to hear more of... or less. But it feels mildly out of place with the more mature and centered tone of the rest of the lyric. Having said all that, you might want to go all out big gay disco on this. BIG CHORUS with 4 on the floor and 70's pop strings. Personally I think that would be very cool and would fit into the "humbling politeness" of it all.

 

Are you ready for my humbling politeness

I like to think that it’s genuine

Ten summer days just crept away

It’s time to cry and time to never know why, know why

Well I can’t wait forever or forever and a day cause

I can’t wait for never to never come again and

I can’t look ‘cause I can see no reason in your eyes, your eyes

 

Time will pass away

Leaving us lonelier

Than we were

Yesterday

 

Are you waiting for the moment to be unkind

I’d like to say that now is opportune

When I was young, I was new

Maybe a bit misguided but I’d have seen through you - you too?

Well I don’t claim to understand your coy demands and

I don’t particularly care what you do when I’m not there and

Do you still have faith in me despite my smug complacency

“don’t you wish I did,” you said – well I do

 

Time will pass away

Leaving us lonelier

Than we were

Yesterday

 

What’s the over/under on

We overstay our time

And miss all the signs

and will we maybe make it through

To the happy other side

And look ‘round to find

We’ve wasted our time

 

[Lee Knight]

I agree that there are a few lines here and there that warrant revisiting, but I'll leave that to you.

My single suggestion is with regard to the repeated 'Chorus'.

Maybe instead of total duplication, you might move the 2nd part into present tense like the verses:

 

Time will pass away

Leaving us lonelier

Than we were

Yesterday

Time will pass away

And leave us lonelier

Than we are

Today

 

Totally agree, Phil. 'Yesterday' repeated felt a little cumbersome.

[LCK]

 

Totally agree, Phil. 'Yesterday' repeated felt a little cumbersome.

 

I disagree. I really, really like that.

 

Phil, did you not notice the cool internal rhyme? That's one of my favorite bits!!

 

Time will pass away

Leaving us lonelier

Than we were

Yesterday

 

If you could come up with a similar rhyme for the "are" in your version, I would maybe say, cool, do that. But I don't think it can be done. (You'd also need to add a syllable to the last line, like "here today" instead of just "today.")

 

Time will pass away

Leaving us lonelier

Than we were

Yesterday

 

Time has passed away

Leaving us handlebar [placeholder word]

Than we are

here today

 

But I like it as is.

[Lee Knight]

You're probably right, Lee. I'd hate to burden the writer with an unsurmountable challenge. But to my ear the second yesterday felt too heavy and a bit awkward. The writer knows what is right. I'll leave it in his hands for sure.

[oldgitplayer]

 

I disagree. I really, really like that.

 

Phil, did you not notice the cool internal rhyme? That's one of my favorite bits!!

 

Time will pass away

Leaving us lonelier

Than we were

Yesterday

 

Yep - I got the rhyme, and I agree it all works well.

I was however flagging that I was underwhelmed by the identical repeat of those 4 lines and am suggesting the possibility of changed wording in the repeat.

Either change it or cut the lyric altogether in the repeat measures and introduce some instrumental connectivity with what comes next.

 

[mbfrancis]

[sorry for radio silence, finally broke down and logged in with IE (still locked out on Chrome).]

 

Really appreciate all the feedback + dialogue, the challenge here is there doesn't seem to be any unanimity.

 

The words Lee calls out in his first post - humbling politeness, smug complacency, coy demands - are what I was originally concerned about. Are they too precious and fey? If you imagine Morrissey singing them they make sense, especially the "ready to be unkind" line, but do they work in context. (But someone else told me the first line was awesome.)

 

I get what you guys are saying about the chorus, but honestly I'm scared to touch it. But I can look at it. FYI to me the internal rhyme *is* the chorus, without it you have a bunch of boring words. So...I'm not sure why a second line would have to shift the time, though, what depth does that add? Also, if you change lonelier to say "handlebar" in the second line instead of repeating it, the song is now called "time will pass away" which is much less interesting. More interesting to me is maybe changing the *first* line, so kind of continuing the sentence "time will pass away...."

 

Time will pass away

Leaving us lonelier

Than we were

Yesterday

you'll come out as gay

Leaving us lonelier

Than we were

Yesterday

 

(Yeah, maybe don't touch it.)

 

I will happily replace the words "coy" and "smug" if people have better alternatives. (I remember being pleased with myself that I got "smug complaceny" to scan.)

 

[side note, I redid the math, and I wrote this at around 19, so marginally more mature. I know because I wrote this playing piano to a loop of the Soul II Soul drum beat - so like '90.]

 

Thanks again for all the great feedback.

[LCK]

 

Time will pass away

Leaving us lonelier

Than we were

Yesterday

you'll come out as gay

Leaving us lonelier

Than we were

Yesterday

 

(Yeah, maybe don't touch it.)

 

 

No maybe about it for me.

 

And I like the quasi-pretentiousness of some of the word play. This guy is making a case for keeping things going with the girl. The tumble of words is like a juggling act, keeping the balls in the air long enough to charm the pants off her, so to speak.

[Oswlek]

I find the repeat of the chorus fine. The entire song is pretty much perfect and I wish I could write something this cool. {Simultaneously shakes fist at sky while facepalming self with other hand}

[mbfrancis]

No maybe about it for me.

Hey, hope no one took offense at the proposed 'gay' line: I actually thought of a few others (hiding from the fray/drawn in shades of grey) but they didn't make sense - 'gay' was the most coherent one, and since it's obviously not one I'd use seriously, presented to illustrate the challenge in expanding the chorus. If that makes sense.

 

And I like the quasi-pretentiousness of some of the word play. This guy is making a case for keeping things going with the girl. The tumble of words is like a juggling act, keeping the balls in the air long enough to charm the pants off her, so to speak.

That's a good way to look at it - that's definitely who I was at the time - I would try to bowl women over with pretension, faux erudition, and exaggerated sensitivity. My profile pic is Bruno Ganz from Wings of Desire - I used to bring dates home and rent that movie and watch their reaction, as in "anyone who doesn't love this movie can't be a friend of mine." Kind of a douche.

 

And then I guess in the chorus he admits that it's all a con and it's not really going anywhere?

 

I find the repeat of the chorus fine. The entire song is pretty much perfect and I wish I could write something this cool. {Simultaneously shakes fist at sky while facepalming self with other hand}

Wow thanks, but *far* from perfect. Just not broken enough to remove from the "done" pile!

[LCK]

 

Wow thanks, but *far* from perfect. Just not broken enough to remove from the "done" pile!

 

No, I think the lyric is fine as is. For what it is and what it does, it is perfect. Anyway, it's a perfect match for the melody and vice versa.

 

[oldgitplayer]

I would try to bowl women over with pretension, faux erudition, and exaggerated sensitivity.My profile pic is Bruno Ganz from Wings of Desire - I used to bring dates home and rent that movie and watch their reaction, as in "anyone who doesn't love this movie can't be a friend of mine."

That's a wonderful piece of self-disclosure, and the bringing home dates to watch 'Wings of Desire' for character assessment is an idea more than worthy of inclusion in the song. Too late?

 

[LCK]

...bringing home dates to watch 'Wings of Desire' for character assessment is an idea more than worthy of inclusion...

 

Or worthy of a song of its own...

[mbfrancis]

 

Or worthy of a song of its own...

Yeah that's what I was thinking - what a great idea.

 

What's funny is that we've talking a lot about 'showing' vs. 'telling,' but I think that in this song (Lonelier), the injection of such a specific detail or scenario (i.e., showing), even in a general way, would feel out of place. The song is 'telling' but in a somewhat creative way, or at least that's the idea. But I have a great concept for another song, cheers.

 

[Oswlek]

If you think this isn't a few production tweaks away from done, you are crazy.

[Oswlek]

I've been listening to this all day. Looks like you need to be a soundclick member to download it. I'm not and have no plans to register so..... care to send me an mp3?

[Oswlek]

This is unquestionably my favorite HC tune since joining this lovely forum. There are some production things I'd do different, but the song... the song... is incredible.

[mbfrancis]

Wow, thanks man. What production things would you do?

[LCK]

This is unquestionably my favorite HC tune since joining this lovely forum. There are some production things I'd do different, but the song... the song... is incredible.

 

Yeah, I've listened a few times myself. I really like it. I was even thinking of downloading it too.