Members mbfrancis Posted April 3, 2014 Members Share Posted April 3, 2014 Hey all--I'm struggling with a new lyric. I have the music, it's kind of boppy ukulele but then gets driving in the chorus, which is pretty catchy. I'm struggling with two directions and would love to hear what you guys think. Two sets of opening lines. Version one: One your couch, the middle of the morningAren't you paid to saywhat's wrong with me?heaven knowsI've got time and nothingelse to do but go to the pharmacy Version Two you and methe last ones at the partythat the cops shut down an hour agoI'm tryin' to cleanyou're only getting started on the red cup dregsplease God, let's go So...scoring drugs from the therapist vs. the aftermath of some party where something really bad happened, we don't know yet. Don't worry about meter, it's a quirky rhythm but it works - it's more subject matter. Which song do you want to hear more of? If so, where do you see it going? I'm struggling with the chorus/title. The only line I have is "maybe we should go insane again" which sings well but is kind of meh. Any help appreciated! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 3, 2014 Moderators Share Posted April 3, 2014 I think if you were to remove the "again" you'd have a better title with a catch phrase meaning. We've all heard... Q: Where you going? A: Crazy, wanna come? So a lean toward that without it being derivative or corny. Maybe we should go to the beach? No... maybe we should go insane. But it doesn't need the beach/locale setup to have that effect. "Again", for me, robs it of that subtle twist/reference. Maybe We Should Go Insane Version 1 isn't clear to me. I think I like Version 2. There is a mild logic issue with "last ones at the party' that the cops already shut down. you and methe last ones at the partythat the cops shut downan hour ago I get how that works but the syntax slightly contradicts itself. Simple fix if you felt it was warranted. And... after reading Version 2 a couple times I did not get this from it: "the aftermath of some party where something really bad happened" I think if it were made it clear that the couple was cleaning up after a cop shut down party, and used some sort of telegraphing images toward the "really bad " thing that happened, you'd have a cool and intriguing setup. Just my first reaction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 3, 2014 Members Share Posted April 3, 2014 Version two is similar to bits and pieces of another song (or two) of yours (I think). I find version one more interesting anyway. After all, how many guy-at-the-shrink songs are there, while party songs abound... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 3, 2014 Author Members Share Posted April 3, 2014 Version two is similar to bits and pieces of another song (or two) of yours (I think). I find version one more interesting anyway. After all, how many guy-at-the-shrink songs are there, while party songs abound... Yeah, you're right - I keep going back to alcohol as 1) I know a lot about it and 2) it's a very very easy way to inject drama and weight into the narrative. It's lazy, I know. i could lose the red cup line and remove alcohol, it's not necessary. It would be more setting the aftermath scene. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 3, 2014 Members Share Posted April 3, 2014 V1 inspires me more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 4, 2014 Members Share Posted April 4, 2014 Give me the therapist story. Can you get your mother driving a red tractor somewhere into the narrative? ...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted April 4, 2014 Members Share Posted April 4, 2014 Yeah the therapist story brought an immediate grin. He already knows the endgame of his session - an Rx. That's pretty amusing. The therapist wants to prescribe, he wants to understand. Gimme my pyschotherapy! Talk to me! I want to hear about the weird inside-a-me. Don't just dope me, I got dope that feels better already. Talk to me! nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 4, 2014 Author Members Share Posted April 4, 2014 Nice - I was leaning towards #2, but now I don't know! Here's the music, it just loops the #2 words with some nonsense chorus lyrics. Need a title, main idea.http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12743013 Lee, let me know if your idea still works with this melody. EDIT: recording is actually of the #1 lyrics Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 4, 2014 Members Share Posted April 4, 2014 Nice - I was leaning towards #2, but now I don't know! Here's the music, it just loops the #2 words with some nonsense chorus lyrics. Need a title, main idea. http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12743013 Lee, let me know if your idea still works with this melody. I love this tune. I wonder where, though, the English accent came from? Are you channeling Ray Davies? Is that it? Anyway, it's a wonderful tune. I could listen to it over and over again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 4, 2014 Moderators Share Posted April 4, 2014 I missed this entirely on paper. It's great! The music absolutely brings the message to light for me. I gotta stop writing lyrics first. I've burnt out on it. I'm back to picking up a guitar and doing 1 fell swoop. I don't know if that's what you did but I'm going to. Really good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 4, 2014 Members Share Posted April 4, 2014 I agree - absolutely spiffingly Brit in its feel. Far more contemporary than Ray however - more like a male Lily Allen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 4, 2014 Author Members Share Posted April 4, 2014 Haha thanks all, means a lot - definitely going for a Kinks vibe (or Blur). Accent comes from the track I guess, I was going for croaky, but everyone says I have an accent even when I try not to, ugh. (Maybe I can get Stickboy to sing it, ha.). I missed this entirely on paper. It's great! The music absolutely brings the message to light for me. But what's the message? Need a chorus. I gotta stop writing lyrics first. I've burnt out on it. I'm back to picking up a guitar and doing 1 fell swoop. I don't know if that's what you did but I'm going to. Really good. FWIW this was written 100% on uke, with little uke melodies in both sections. *Then* I wrote the vocal melody driving around listening to the backing track. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 4, 2014 Members Share Posted April 4, 2014 (Maybe I can get Stickboy to sing it, ha.). . You don't need me on it - you sound awesome and the tune is also brilliant very VERY good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Foose31 Posted April 4, 2014 Members Share Posted April 4, 2014 I agree with everyone else, like the first one better than another "drinking song".When I read "red cup" it immediately made me think of Toby Kieths stupid, and I mean very stupid, Red Solo Cup song. Listened to your song and was reading everyones comments at the same time and while I was trying to figure out who you sounded like I read your" Kinks" vibe comment and BAM! you answered my question. LOL MB, just curious, are you from england or are you just singing with a british accent? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 4, 2014 Author Members Share Posted April 4, 2014 Well, the problem is I'm not from the UK, I'm from Southern California, and every time I try to sing 'Californian' it sounds British. I'm going for and I sound like, dunno, but not American. Plus no Brit would sing about pharmacies and red cups, so it sounds fake (to Brits anyway I assume). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Foose31 Posted April 4, 2014 Members Share Posted April 4, 2014 Well' date=' the problem is I'm not from the UK, I'm from Southern California, and every time I try to sing 'Californian' it sounds British. I'm going for and I sound like, dunno, but not American. Plus no Brit would sing about pharmacies and red cups, so it sounds fake (to Brits anyway I assume). I did not know there was a Californian accent. LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted April 4, 2014 Members Share Posted April 4, 2014 Very good. I think both 1 and 2 have possibilities, and the track is catchy enough to carry either approach. Also, I totally get the Malkmus thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Foose31 Posted April 4, 2014 Members Share Posted April 4, 2014 . I'm going for . You want to wear a santa suit and run around with bow and arrows killing already dead turkeys? You sound like him if he was doing a british accent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 4, 2014 Author Members Share Posted April 4, 2014 You want to wear a santa suit and run around with bow and arrows killing already dead turkeys? You sound like him if he was doing a british accent. Haha, nice, never actually seen that video before - looks like it was filmed near my house at the Irvine Spectrum, cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted April 4, 2014 Members Share Posted April 4, 2014 Yes, super nice track. I want to hear horns in the background - a few stabs, some held notes filling in like a B3 over some sections. nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 4, 2014 Members Share Posted April 4, 2014 Great sound. I'm jealous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 5, 2014 Moderators Share Posted April 5, 2014 But what's the message? I loved your mention here that you've already got your own meds and they feel a whole lot better. Maybe extend the idea that maybe he can't "fix" you and you'll take "broken" any day of the week over this hokem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted April 5, 2014 Members Share Posted April 5, 2014 You know, Beck has vocals that slip into a British-sorta accent circa 1965 - especially on Mutations. I mean, a zillion Brits sing their rock with a definite American accent, right? No reason we can't borrow theirs, no? I got no problem with that. Even if unintentional nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 5, 2014 Members Share Posted April 5, 2014 I loved your mention here that you've already got your own meds and they feel a whole lot better. Maybe extend the idea that maybe he can't "fix" you and you'll take "broken" any day of the week over this hokem. Nice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 5, 2014 Author Members Share Posted April 5, 2014 You guys are too sophisticated for me, ha - I just thought it was about a guy scoring drugs, kind of an updated Waiting For The Man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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