Members stickboymusic Posted March 8, 2012 Members Share Posted March 8, 2012 Just a really quick idea i jotted down - may be nothing here but worth a punt im instantly guessing the "chorus" may not be different enough to the verse? Oh the tall hillsof this sleepy town i livewill shelter and protect me from the rain and the textile millsweaving larvae into lacemake silhouettes upon this old terrain this is my hometownfor better or for worseits hard to beat the curseof my hometown this is hometownfor richer or for poorim always wanting morefrom my hometown [video=youtube;VB05otzSMyI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VB05otzSMyI Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 8, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 8, 2012 I like that. I think if you streched out the rhythm of the first My Hometown This is myyyyy.... hooommmme.... townfor better or for worseits hard to beat the curseof my hometown That would set them apart nicely. Love the lyric long time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 8, 2012 Members Share Posted March 8, 2012 Another nice little ditty. There are a few questionable bits, grammar-wise. Oh the tall hillsof this sleepy town i livewill shelter and protect me from the rain and the textile mills weaving larvae into lacemake silhouettes upon this old terrain The first line I bolded should say "this sleepy town where I live" but that would add one not to many. Maybe "this sleepy town of mine?" I like the imagery and the idea of the last line, but again it's oddly constructed. The mills don't exactly make silhouettes upon the old terrain, do they? They are silhouettes. "Dark silhouettes against the old terrain" perhaps? I don't know if that's quite right either. But anyway, it's a good start. I like it. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 8, 2012 Members Share Posted March 8, 2012 You could combine the last two stanzas. this is my hometownfor better or for worseits hard to beat the curseof my hometownfor richer or for poorI've always wanted moreim always wanting more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 8, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 8, 2012 Another nice little ditty.There are a few questionable bits, grammar-wise.Oh the tall hillsof this sleepy town i livewill shelter and protect me from the rainand the textile mills weaving larvae into lacemake silhouettes upon this old terrainThe first line I bolded should say "this sleepy town where I live" but that would add one not to many.Maybe "this sleepy town of mine?"I like the imagery and the idea of the last line, but again it's oddly constructed. The mills don't exactly make silhouettes upon the old terrain, do they? They are silhouettes. "Dark silhouettes against the old terrain" perhaps? I don't know if that's quite right either.But anyway, it's a good start. I like it.LCK not sure on the silhouette thing.... the mills are mills.... they make silhouettes depending on the light...if i said "form" silhouettes would that be better? or still not having it? oddly "the hills of this sleepy town i live" doesnt feel wrong to me.... i have no idea why... i know what you're saying..and yes...where i live is right...but im not seeing wrong?! if i said "the hills of this sleepy town i walk" is that still incorrect? im sure i have lost all ability to write/use grammar/ be normal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 8, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 8, 2012 wrongs? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 8, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 8, 2012 Though I don't think I've ever heard this usage: of this sleepy town i live it has the sound and feel of a local colloquialism. I liked it and thought it was the way you Northerners spoke or something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 8, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 8, 2012 wrongs? stop stirring!! haha i think it is something that would be fine for a northern british monkey such as I.... this song is about my local town and may be full of odd local things like pit ponies and driving on the correct side of the road Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 8, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 8, 2012 I tried driving on the "correct" side of the road in London and almost killed everybody nearby. Then I got on a roundabout and just stayed there in circles for a few minutes trying to decipher the road signs. This one? No this one... yeah the one you just passed. I'll get it next time round. This one? WRONG SIDE AGAIN!!! aahhhhgg! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 8, 2012 Members Share Posted March 8, 2012 not sure on the silhouette thing.... the mills are mills.... they make silhouettes depending on the light...if i said "form" silhouettes would that be better? or still not having it?oddly "the hills of this sleepy town i live" doesnt feel wrong to me.... i have no idea why... i know what you're saying..and yes...where i live is right...but im not seeing wrong?!if i said "the hills of this sleepy town i walk" is that still incorrect?im sure i have lost all ability to write/use grammar/ be normal I agree that "the hills of this sleepy town I live" seems right, but it also feels off. As for the silhouettes, yes; the mills do make (or form) silhouettes. But are they made UPON the terrain? I don't think so. Shadows would fall upon the terrain. The silhouettes would, what, frame the terrain? Loom over the terrain? That's what seems odd to me. But then again, as you say, the oddness of it might fit the kind of working-class vibe you're going for. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 8, 2012 Members Share Posted March 8, 2012 I like that. I think if you streched out the rhythm of the first My Hometown This is myyyyy.... hooommmme.... town for better or for worse its hard to beat the curse of my hometown That would set them apart nicely. Love the lyric long time. An appropriate suggestion, but watch out that it doesn't end up sounding like another North of England songwriter : [video=youtube;G_WgT_ybIaI] Here are a couple of lyric suggestions that provide more of an abbreviated north of England flavour: (But I'm just a Midlander giving you the nutty slack)..... and the textile mills weave larvae into lace form silhouettes on this old terrain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 10, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 Slight melody shift - do you think it seperates the verse and chorus enough? Im sure musically i can give it a lot more change anyway [video=youtube;WJ48BBVgdQ0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJ48BBVgdQ0 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted March 10, 2012 Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 I think this is my first listen, so I can't comment on the difference, but to answer your question, yes... it's differentiated enough between vs and chorus. Really nice tune... my kids and I watched it twice. Then I had to explain how yes, I know you... but not really... Are you a friend they asked? Well, yeah... kind of. My 4 year old is excited because you and he have similar hair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 10, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 10, 2012 I'll listen later but... owl pillows rock. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 10, 2012 Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 Slight melody shift - do you think it seperates the verse and chorus enough? Yes, the new take on the tune is very nicely done. Much better. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted March 10, 2012 Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 I agree that "the hills of this sleepy town I live" seems right, but it also feels off. This line bugged me, too. You're not living the hills (the way you might walk the hills), so it's confusing. I was also a little put off with "larvae to lace", as I always think of lace made out of cotton thread, but a wikipedia search tells me that there's a lot of silk lace out there. And the sillhouettes line seems fine to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 10, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 Bruce Springsteen also has a "hometown" song with a similar stretched-out delivery of the title line. This line bugged me, too. You're not living the hills (the way you might walk the hills), so it's confusing. I was also a little put off with "larvae to lace", as I always think of lace made out of cotton thread, but a wikipedia search tells me that there's a lot of silk lace out there. And the sillhouettes line seems fine to me. Yeh this town i live in (macclesfield) is famous for its silk.... has a silk museum , is called the silk town.... i know im not living the hills.... im living in the town.... sleepy town (where) i live just doesnt feel wrong to me , if it was poetry i'm sure it would pass? i could say this sleepy town i roam.... i walk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted March 10, 2012 Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 just doesnt feel wrong to me , if it was poetry i'm sure it would pass? The problem to my ear isn't that you're using poetic license, it's that what you're saying means something else entirely. As a casual listener, you're asking a little too much of me cognitively to keep up with you. By the time I've processed the actual meaning, registered, that it doesn't really make sense, and figured what you probably meant, I'm already a few lines behind you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted March 10, 2012 Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 I have listened to both versions twice....that line (live) jumps out badly to me as incorrect. Maybe.... Oh the tall hills of this sleepy town give me shelter and protect me from the rain From that we could easily infer that you live there. And I think I prefer the first version. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 10, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 I have listened to both versions twice....that line (live) jumps out badly to me as incorrect. Maybe.... Oh the tall hills of this sleepy town give me shelter and protect me from the rain From that we could easily infer that you live there. And I think I prefer the first version. Yeh - melody wise i could easily just say "of this sleepy town" your third line doesnt quite fit into the melody (or i cant get it to anyway) i could say give shelter and protect me from the rain (losing the first me) does this still work? in terms of which one you prefer - i think it needs the lower melody in the verse to differentiate from the chorus.... hopefully the melody/delivery will be sorted if i get to the recording stage Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 10, 2012 Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 The first is better, IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 10, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 10, 2012 I gotta say, I love them both, but... I think I like the first one. I know I had the idea of making the chorus a little different, but I was thinking more rhythmically than melodically. And clearly... my idea of elongating was an unintentional rip on my part. I really like your images in this. And the melody and your guitar playing are superb. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 10, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 I gotta say, I love them both, but... I think I like the first one. I know I had the idea of making the chorus a little different, but I was thinking more rhythmically than melodically. And clearly... my idea of elongating was an unintentional rip on my part. I really like your images in this. And the melody and your guitar playing are superb. cool - i will write some more verses and see how it comes together in the recording - i will steer towards V1 and hope that musically it's different enough verse/chorus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dramey Posted March 10, 2012 Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 and the textile millsweaving larvae into lace I just wanted to say that I love this line. A lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted March 10, 2012 Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 your third line doesnt quite fit into the melody (or i cant get it to anyway) i could say give shelter and protect me from the rain (losing the first me) does this still work? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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