Black Sheep

[Mahuska]

http://soundcloud.com/mahuska/black-sheep2-1

 

That from that planted seed.

Our Parents tell youl us all

Evething you need you feed

Your mind is filled with does'and does and and

an and things you must heed she tried to tell you try to warn

At a Recklest speed

 

 

 

But That this alright this Black Sheep's doing fine

I tied tied to forget the tears I've cried

Getting stronger geting peace of mind

there was a time we barely started from

That from that planted seed.

Our Parents tell youl us all

Evething you need you feed

Your mind is filled with does's

an and things you must heed she tried to tell you try to warn

At a Recklest speed

 

 

 

But That this alright this Black Sheep's doing fine

I tied tied to forget the tears I've cried

Getting stronger geting peace of mind

Hell Yes this Black Sheep is doing fine,

Yo u gave me hope a peace of min d

[oldgitplayer]

I like the idea of the song, and I think your lyrical intention is clear.

It does however need smoothing out a bit here and there.

Perhaps you could also develop the black sheep idiom a little more. Maybe a bit about the pale flock on the run or something like that before you state that you're doing fine.

 

Musically, I'm finding it a bit rudimentary for my taste. The chugga chugga of those 4 chords becomes a bit relentless.

But it may appeal to others - I don't know for sure.

But keep going - it's a good idea and a reasonable starting point.

[Oswlek]

Things I liked:

 

1) That lead bit that comes in around 1:20 - fantabulous! More, please! If anything, you buried it, which is a shame because it is by far the best part of the song. IMO, you should just open with that. If you want some delayed graitfication, tack a harmony line on it the second time around. And bring it back a third time, later on.

 

2) Your vocals after the first verse were much tighter, and delivered with flair.

 

Not so much

 

1) I didn't like the delivery of the vocals in the first verse.

 

2) I felt like the entire song was an inside commentary intended for a specific person or group of people I was excluded from. I'm all for vague lyrics, but you didn't give me much to sink my teeth into. At the very least, toss a few cool pieces of imagery so I can form a picture in my mind of what is going on.

 

3) The first verse felt particularly weak. I'd rewrite it entirely, trying to show more of what you are talking about - specific pictures from the times you are talking about, or a particular event of when you learned the lesson.

 

I could probably live with "That's alright this black sheep's doing fine" if you sold me the story better along the way.

[Mahuska]

Rough draft a complete re-do

I'll take your suggestiveness and run with it

[Tat2bluez]

Really a great groove going once the drums come in. I agree that the ld gtr should come in early and not vamp so much on the chords in the beginning. I can't quite put my finger on it but it is reminiscent of the the punk bands I used to see (and be in), circa 1978 - CBGB's/Max's Kansas City (oops - age alert!).

 

That's alright, this Black Sheep's doing fine - great line - should be emphasized - and repeated IMHO~ if it were me - I'd build an entire chorus around that.

[Mahuska]

 

I like the idea of the song, and I think your lyrical intention is clear. It does however need smoothing out a bit here and there. Perhaps you could also develop the black sheep idiom a little more. Maybe a bit about the pale flock on the run or something like that before you state that you're doing fine. Musically, I'm finding it a bit rudimentary for my taste. The chugga chugga of those 4 chords becomes a bit relentless. But it may appeal to others - I don't know for sure. But keep going - it's a good idea and a reasonable starting point.

 

That was the first song I wrote back in the 70's

Banging on a an Acoustic with limited skills

But is it Rock and Roll?

BTW Father very Abusive

Mother supportive

[rhino55]

+1 to Oswlek