Comfort - do the verses need help?

[Oswlek]

I'll post the long backstory below for those interested, but here is a song I'd like to redo soon that I just want some eyes and ears on the verses before diving into it.

 

I hadn't fully fleshed out the pacing when uploading 3 years ago, so the interlude is way too long (a few other spots that I could abbreviate as well) but I think this gets the point across. Please also bear with my terrible vocals, man did I suck back then.

 

[video=youtube;s9zu-ypB6tM]

 

Wide awake in bed lying Tears still drying Tattered thoughts haunt you Fears have caught you Don't let the walls close around you You know I'll see you through CHORUS When you are forced to crawl When it's your time to fall When there's no use at all I will comfort you Bittersweet, life's journey Tides keep turning Out of breath, lungs burning Ceaseless yearning Don't let your dreams fade on you You know I'll be there soon CHORUS x2 When you wonder why And you start to cry Till those tears are dry I will comfort you I will comfort you

 

Please feel free to let me know if the chorus needs help, but for reasons I'll explain in a minute, I'm inclined to keep it as is. The verses/bridges, though, are up-for-grabs, especially the second couplet.

 

Thanks in advance for the help.

 

Long-ass Backstory

 

OGP's post about semi-sleep creativity is what inspired me to post this one. Dreams have always had a major influence on me, both in songwriting and other areas as well. The first time I met my wife, despite being in a relationship at the time, I had a dream that she and I were together. When my daughter was in utero, I dreamt about a day we spent together. I woke up convinced that she was going to be a girl (we didn't know at the time) and, as ridiculous as it sounds, the girl I still vividly recall from the dream is how my daughter looked and acted at 4 years old.

 

Coming back to start, "Comfort" came to me in a dream the very day the market hit its lowest point in November of 2008. I am in finance, so it was an incredibly stressful time, both from the perspective of client management and my own personal situation.

 

In the dream, I met an ethereal young woman all dressed in white who was playing a white piano. She was singing me this song, and it was so clear that I was able to watch her fingers to make out the chords she was playing (they were accurate, though I had to change the key to account for my voice). I was never able to fully recapture the verses, but the chorus is verbatim what you see above, which is why I am reluctant to change it.

 

I woke up refreshed in a way I hadn't been in several months, instantly certain that the worst of it was past. The experience felt like a direct message from God, and truly comforted me at probably the most stressful time of my life. I just want the song to do it justice.

[rhino55]

I'm commenting before reading the back story.

 

A lot of yous in the first verse.

 

'Ceaseless yearning' feels melodramatic. I might feel bad about this after reading the back story.

 

Read the back story. Wowza.

 

I think 'ceaseless yearning' without context of what you are yearning for could stand to be changed.

[Oswlek]

Yeah, you know me and melodrama.

 

Other than "ceaseless yearning" you're OK with it?

[rhino55]

 

Yeah, you know me and melodrama. Other than "ceaseless yearning" you're OK with it?

 

 

I'd consider changing that and the 3 lines in a row that end with the word you

[Oswlek]

I'd consider changing that and the 3 lines in a row that end with the word you

 

You know, I never realized I did that!

 

Toss some {censored} at my wall, if you have any to hurl.

[oldgitplayer]

Given the mood of the song and the backstory, I think the lyrics of both the chorus and the verses are working as a whole.

There are possible opportunities for tweaks and alternatives here and there, but no screamers.

 

With this melody, there are some real emotional opportunities for the instrumentation.

In the end, I expect that this will be a song that will have sufficient strength to be experienced largely at an emotional level, with the chorus being properly heard, and the verses along for the ride.

[Oswlek]

 

Given the mood of the song and the backstory, I think the lyrics of both the chorus and the verses are working as a whole. There are possible opportunities for tweaks and alternatives here and there, but no screamers. With this melody, there are some real emotional opportunities for the instrumentation. In the end, I expect that this will be a song that will have sufficient strength to be experienced largely at an emotional level, with the chorus being properly heard, and the verses along for the ride.

 

 

Thanks for the comment, OGP. In my head there are some cello and violin parts, but not much else. Maybe some very sparse percussive things, but primarily during the interlude.

 

Rather than "ceaseless yearing" how about "silent yearning". It sounds terrific and sings very well. I'm not sure it jibes perfectly with the "lungs burning" imagery, though.

[oldgitplayer]

 

Rather than "ceaseless yearing" how about "silent yearning". It sounds terrific and sings very well. I'm not sure it jibes perfectly with the "lungs burning" imagery, though.

 

 

Yes - those were the exact lines that I thought weren't working together.

I like the 'silent yearning' - it fits well with the mood of the song, but I'd look to change either the 'lungs burning' or even replace the whole line.

It feels like a line that is least connected to the rest of the lyric.

[LCK]

Beautiful.

 

I think, lyrically, what you need to do is pare things down a little and focus on what works really well and keep it -- maybe nail some of those ideas and images a tiny bit better -- and toss the rest.

 

This song doesn't need to be almost 6 minutes long.

 

Figure out what needs to be said. Say it. Rinse, repeat, and you're done.

 

Again, it's a beautiful song, one that's definitely worth working on. Just pare it down.

 

LCK

[Oswlek]

 

Beautiful. I think, lyrically, what you need to do is pare things down a little and focus on what works really well and keep it -- maybe nail some of those ideas and images a tiny bit better -- and toss the rest. This song doesn't need to be almost 6 minutes long. Figure out what needs to be said. Say it. Rinse, repeat, and you're done. Again, it's a beautiful song, one that's definitely worth working on. Just pare it down. LCK

 

 

Thanks, Lee.

 

There really isn't much lyrically that can be paired down, just two verses, two very short bridges and a couple choruses, unless you don't like the doubled chorus at the end. Shortening the interlude and a couple other spots alone will shave over a minute, though.

[Oswlek]

Just thought of another cut. I really triple up the final chorus, quiet coming off the interlude, then double. Instead, I could do a quiet then launch directly into the final one. That would save another 20 seconds and get the song down to ~4:00, which I think is acceptable.

 

Thanks, Lee, for forcing me to rethink this one and seeing that extraneous part.

 

Now I just need to figure out the "burning" line and that should be that.

 

Edit: nix the cut chorus idea. I just played it and it really needs that true double, IMO, length be damned.

[Oswlek]

One more thing, how about replacing "and you start to cry" in the final chorus with

 

 

And it's your time to cry

 

 

That would run more parallel with the normal stanza and I think it makes sense.

 

I'll try to get a demo recorded in the next couple days, so I'd love to hear your ideas for that "burning" line.

[Oswlek]

OK, an alternative for the "burning" line

 

Out of breath, bound and burning With silent yearning

 

I'm not married to "out of breath" but can't think of anything better at the moment.

 

A couple other things,

 

1) I think I'm going to keep it "And you start to cry", it flows better with the mild change in perspective in that final chorus stanza.

 

2) I think I figured out a way to cut one of those final chorus stanzas and make it flow well. Back around 4:00.

[oldgitplayer]

How about staying with the tides metaphor :

 

Bittersweet, life's journey

Tides keep turning

The ebb and flow of learning

Silently yearning

[Oswlek]

Ooh, I like that train of thought. How about

 

 

Bittersweet, life's journey Tides keep turning Back and forth, waters churning Silent yearning

 

[oldgitplayer]

 

Ooh, I like that train of thought. How about

 

 

Yep - that's good - the lead on from the tide metaphor is definitely the way forward.

[Marshal]

Song was over at 3:25. The instrumental is not interesting enough to carry the tune (It dragged as an intro). Plus 3:30 is plenty. But once the song gets moving it's quite fine. I'm a melancholy guy. So I can get into the grove and wallow there. But a couple things come to mind.

 

The chorus, with being forced to crawl, seems a little out of synch. A little much. Maybe it's because everything in the verse and the chorus is just restating the same thing. There's no development. There's no digging deeper. There's no release, except "I will comfort you." Which is a great release. But it takes a long time to get there, with several images that are pretty much occupying the same emotional space one after another. Nothing for the listener to sink their teeth into.

 

But lovely on many levels. You have a great emotional touch.

 

Another silly pet peeve of mine; is people who post videos of their hands playing a guitar. Sorry to bludgeon you with this. I know this is an old one. But, if you're gonna sing the thing, put your face up there, I always say. (Not everybody agrees with me on that [or much of anything :)]). Either that, or show a field of waving wheat and play the audio over it.

 

Feel free to ignore whatever I say.

[LCK]

everything in the verse and the chorus is just restating the same thing. There's no development. There's no digging deeper. There's no release , except "I will comfort you." Which is a great release. But it takes a long time to get there, with several images that are pretty much occupying the same emotional space one after another. Nothing for the listener to sink their teeth into.

 

This is what I meant to say...

 

But seriously, Marshall has nailed the problem. It's not really paring things down as much as it is making every image and every line count.

 

I was also wondering if there might be another way to say "I will comfort you," one that doesn't sound quite so generic. Don't get me wrong. It works, but if there were another way to say the same thing, the song would kick ass a little more, emotionally.

 

Thematically the lyric is similar to "Bridge Over Troubled Water." I know it's a big assignment to write something which rises to that level, but that's what's needed.

 

LCK

[Lee Knight]

Really nice song. The issue that needs to be cleaned up for me... is how a couple of lines feels awkward rhythmically.

 

Wide awake in bed lying (Why not just "Wide awake, lying")

Tears still drying

Tattered thoughts haunt you

Fears have caught you

 

Don't let the walls close around you (It feels uncertain here. Both the melodic rhythm and the chords.)

You know I'll see you through

 

The prechorus not only needs to build into the chorus, it has to has some semblance of its own hook as well. Right now, the 1st line of each prechorus swims a bit. Not focused on its destination.

 

 

And, it's seems every bit of instrumental could be (and I would) cut back to 1/4. Not 1/2, but 1/4. Really. The chorus is awesome, the second verse is spot on. So for me, the song needs tightening up with regards to overlong instrumentals, and making sure your lyric feel (melodic rhythm) doesn't have a wandering quality. That, most likely, means trimming some verbiage to make the questionable phrases punch.

[Oswlek]

OK, guys, I guess I have to rethink the entire approach to the verses. I've given this one deeper consideration since posting it and I like the pre-chorus as is, so that and the chorus will probably stay intact.

 

If you could give a sample of what might be considered "digging deeper" it might help. Is the second verse - where virtually nothing actually happens - the problem? Or do the issues start right from the getgo?

 

Marshall, the song is going to be pared down a great deal.

 

Cut the break after the first chorus by a half - 0:15

Cut the middle interlude down - 1:00

Cut one of the final chorus stanzas - 0:20

 

Just that alone gets down to around the 4:00 mark, and I am certain that with a proper string arrangement, it will maintain interest through the now-dull spots.

[Oswlek]

 

Really nice song. The issue that needs to be cleaned up for me... is how a couple of lines feels awkward rhythmically. Wide awake in bed lying (Why not just "Wide awake, lying") Tears still drying Tattered thoughts haunt you Fears have caught you Don't let the walls close around you (It feels uncertain here. Both the melodic rhythm and the chords.) You know I'll see you through The prechorus not only needs to build into the chorus, it has to has some semblance of its own hook as well. Right now, the 1st line of each prechorus swims a bit. Not focused on its destination. And, it's seems every bit of instrumental could be (and I would) cut back to 1/4. Not 1/2, but 1/4. Really. The chorus is awesome, the second verse is spot on. So for me, the song needs tightening up with regards to overlong instrumentals, and making sure your lyric feel (melodic rhythm) doesn't have a wandering quality. That, most likely, means trimming some verbiage to make the questionable phrases punch.

 

 

Interesting, I really like the way the prechorus sounds, just got through typing up that it was something of a lock. Dammit!

 

Also interesting that you like the new 2nd verse, which seemed like something to scrap based on the other comments...

 

Yeah, I agree that the instrumental parts are way too long, though I do believe some additional instrumentation might carry through.

[bee3]

Really nice song. Did you know your intro is 26 seconds long? It's a trap I often fall into as well... and I wonder why all my songs are 5 minutes plus.

 

Maybe you can simply do 2 measures of G... then come right in with the first verse?

 

Also, if you do another vid, please refrain from wearing that ridiculous Patriots sweatshirt... perhaps you can replace it with an Eagles jersey? :poke:

[Oswlek]

 

Really nice song. Did you know your intro is 26 seconds long? It's a trap I often fall into as well... and I wonder why all my songs are 5 minutes plus. Maybe you can simply do 2 measures of G... then come right in with the first verse? Also, if you do another vid, please refrain from wearing that ridiculous Patriots sweatshirt... perhaps you can replace it with an Eagles jersey? :poke:

 

 

Funny, I honestly love that intro, but the hate is universal.

 

Perhaps some kind of fade in that shortens in, but still gives the impression it's been playing for a while?

[Lee Knight]

 

OK, guys, I guess I have to rethink the entire approach to the verses. I've given this one deeper consideration since posting it and I like the pre-chorus as is, so that and the chorus will probably stay intact. If you could give a sample of what might be considered "digging deeper" it might help. Is the second verse - where virtually nothing actually happens - the problem? Or do the issues start right from the getgo? Marshall, the song is going to be pared down a great deal. Cut the break after the first chorus by a half - 0:15 Cut the middle interlude down - 1:00 Cut one of the final chorus stanzas - 0:20 Just that alone gets down to around the 4:00 mark, and I am certain that with a proper string arrangement, it will maintain interest through the now-dull spots.

 

 

Personally, I don't think you have to "dig deeper". I love Lee's comparison to Troubled Waters, but this is not that same type of gospel infused, soaring idea. This is smaller in scale. Not less, just less dramatic. It puts the helping comforting hand in a small little private space. Why change that. I think its scope and size right now is great. It is its own thing. I'd concentrate on making sure it works in a concise, rhythmic way.

[Oswlek]

Oh, Bee, I guess I could handle an Eagles hoodie, but I'd set myself on fire before donning any {censored}ing Giants paraphernalia!