Members stickboymusic Posted March 14, 2012 Members Share Posted March 14, 2012 I know Lee did something similar the other day but i was going through my old files and found this song from 2006 (a very early song for me) I remember liking it at the time but i've written many many songs since then and hope I have improved.... wondering if some of the lyrics could do with a tweak...I have a feeling they could Black and blue http://soundcloud.com/stickboy/black-and-blue-an-old-song-i When magic dies where does it go?does it sink into the ground just like snowI questioned this and religions toothe sky is black and baby I am blue And when we wake will we all be friendsIve seen the picture of the outlaw on your handsthat killed a man, fact killed a fewthe sky is black and baby i am blue I felt the breeze upon my faceand i thought for just a minute i could be savedbut its too late to see it throughthe sky was black and baby i was blue And now im gone you'll sing my songsI've been waiting for this moment for so longand after all i wrote them all for youbut the sky was black and baby i was blue I instantly REALLY wish I'd tied it all together at the end by saying "WHEN the sky was black and baby I was blue"the sky was black and baby i was blue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 14, 2012 Members Share Posted March 14, 2012 I can't put my finger on the actual cause, but it definitely isn't as strong as the stuff you are putting out now. Seems like there is a lot of forced(?), fake(?) drama, rather than straight forward. I've listened twice and still really don't know what you are talking about, which might be fine, except the melody isn't quite spectacular enough for me to not care about my lack of understanding. I kind of wish you had tied the "black" part in with the verse rather than it always be the sky. Keep that part evolving and leave "baby I am/was blue" as the consistent theme. As for the ending, how about Yes I am black, and baby you are blue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 14, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 14, 2012 I can't put my finger on the actual cause, but it definitely isn't as strong as the stuff you are putting out now. Seems like there is a lot of forced(?), fake(?) drama, rather than straight forward. I've listened twice and still really don't know what you are talking about, which might be fine, except the melody isn't quite spectacular enough for me to not care about my lack of understanding.I kind of wish you had tied the "black" part in to the verse rather than it always be the sky. Keep that part evolving and leave "baby I am/was blue" is the consistent one.As for the ending, how about ahh i quite liked the melody and idea...just thought the lyrics were lacking (as you've pointed out) if the melody isnt really cutting it then i guess there is nothing to really work on.... id just forgotten about it and thought i quite liked it when rediscovering maybe it was a more sentimental feeling.... maybe i should just ignore it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 14, 2012 Members Share Posted March 14, 2012 ahh i quite liked the melody and idea...just thought the lyrics were lacking (as you've pointed out)if the melody isnt really cutting it then i guess there is nothing to really work on.... id just forgotten about it and thought i quite liked it when rediscoveringmaybe it was a more sentimental feeling.... maybe i should just ignore it! No, the melody is good, it just isn't good enough to overwhelm me and block out the other deficiancies. Paired with a strong set of lyrics, you'd have a decent tune. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 14, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 14, 2012 No, the melody is good, it just isn't good enough to overwhelm me and block out the other deficiancies. Paired with a strong set of lyrics, you'd have a decent tune. Thats what i was hoping.... i quite like the "the sky was black and baby i was blue" the days were dark and i was depressed.....but why?! thats what needs explaining I quite like parts of the last verse too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted March 14, 2012 Members Share Posted March 14, 2012 Yes...the hook chorus works great but the story line is not quite cohesive enough to suck me in. You have really become an excellent songwriter since then. This song has enough strength to merit a rewrite. In fact, your engineering skills have improved dramatically since this recording which is another reason to take this song and let it be reborn. Interesting...I am doing the exact thing with a song from a few years ago right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 14, 2012 Members Share Posted March 14, 2012 I think it's good. I like the repeated lyrical phrase at the end of each verse. It's not your best song, but I think it's worth taking another look at. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 15, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 15, 2012 I love it. And this bit, I think it's great!!! And now im gone you'll sing my songsI've been waiting for this moment for so longand after all i wrote them all for youbut the sky was black and baby i was blue Really, that works perfectly to me. If... he were to say something like, And when we wake will we all be friendsIve seen the picture of the outlaw on MY handsthat killed a man, fact killed a fewthe sky is black and baby i am blue Maybe? I love the idea that he wrote these songs for her and he's regretful that all the songs were from his "black and blue" period. Whick my be his entire adult life if he's the outlaw/killer. It think that's cool. I have no idea if that was your intention but it totally works for me. So, if you were to open it up and fix the lyric, I think the theme to use the metaphor of regretting all he wrote was dark songs. Sort of a metaphor for his regret of a lawless life. He looks back from the dead and regrets he misdeeds. As far as the music. Well, I love it too. And I could hear this as a drunken roaring Pogues or Billy Bragg thing too. Or my old buddies The Beat Farmers. I love it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 15, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 15, 2012 I love it. And this bit, I think it's great!!!Really, that works perfectly to me. If... he were to say something like,And when we wake will we all be friendsIve seen the picture of the outlaw on MY handsthat killed a man, fact killed a fewthe sky is black and baby i am blueMaybe? I love the idea that he wrote these songs for her and he's regretful that all the songs were from his "black and blue" period. Whick my be his entire adult life if he's the outlaw/killer. It think that's cool. I have no idea if that was your intention but it totally works for me. So, if you were to open it up and fix the lyric, I think the theme to use the metaphor of regretting all he wrote was dark songs. Sort of a metaphor for his regret of a lawless life. He looks back from the dead and regrets he misdeeds. As far as the music. Well, I love it too. And I could hear this as a drunken roaring Pogues or Billy Bragg thing too. Or my old buddies The Beat Farmers. I love it. Thanks Lee - I love that little turnaround that kinda fixes most of the song I still wish (and remember thinking it not long after id recorded it) that the end should be And now im gone you'll sing my songsI've been waiting for this moment for so longand after all i wrote them all for youWHEN the sky was black and baby i was blue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 15, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 15, 2012 Yeah, I see what you're saying. Are you going to go in and rework it? I think I'm feeling a little different from the others. I think this is a cool tune. Something that draws me in. The poetic idea of talking from the afterlife. The Highwaymen sort of thing, I love it. Do you have the session file? Or just the 2 track mix? It does seem you could really pull some sparks out of this thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 15, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 15, 2012 Yeah, I see what you're saying. Are you going to go in and rework it?I think I'm feeling a little different from the others. I think this is a cool tune. Something that draws me in. The poetic idea of talking from the afterlife. The Highwaymen sort of thing, I love it. Do you have the session file? Or just the 2 track mix? It does seem you could really pull some sparks out of this thing. I'm "hoping" I have the session Can't really be doing with re playing the slide part Would like to redo the drums with a proper snare and brushes though Will have to dig the old hard drive out and see Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 15, 2012 Members Share Posted March 15, 2012 Thanks Lee - I love that little turnaround that kinda fixes most of the songI still wish (and remember thinking it not long after id recorded it) that the end should beAnd now im gone you'll sing my songsI've been waiting for this moment for so longand after all i wrote them all for youWHEN the sky was black and baby i was blue This is starting to get really good. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 15, 2012 Members Share Posted March 15, 2012 I reckon the song is worth having another pass at.I definitely support the new end turnaround. What I don't like about the song is the chunka chunka of the guitar - it's a bit primitive compared to your present-day guitar skills, so I hope you revisit that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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