Members Oswlek Posted March 13, 2012 Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 Sorry about posting so soon after "Comfort", but this tune fell out of my guitar last night. It is a different tract than I usually take, and something tells me that it is inspired by all the Harry Nilsson I listened to this past week. In fact, his song "Without Her" was something I pondered as I drew the melody out of "DL". Lyrically, it is a thematic borrowing of this stanza from "Comfortably Numb" When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse Out of the corner of my eye I turned to look but it was gone I cannot put my finger on it now The child has grown, the dream is gone Demo - http://picosong.com/wFCS Edit to add: I don't actually sing all the lines as written here, some I didn't sing any words at all. Distant lullaby You used to come at night Coax me soft to sleep Somewhere warm and deep and safe But that was long ago A song I used to know Distant lullaby In the silence, I Try to... recall how you went If you'd play once more I swear this time for sure Distant lullaby I will hold tight And I... won't forget again So, anything there? If so, some specific questions 1) I already know that LCK is going to hate the red line because the emphasis is wrong on "recall" (REEEE-call), but "remember" is too many syllables. Got any better ideas? 2) The ending was on-the-fly and probably won't last. For now, I am considering going back the verse and fading with some strings or just picking the chord that plays underneath "again" (1:46) a few times and leaving it hanging. Any preference? Any ideas that are even better? When you listen to the interlude, imagine a swell of strings (not keyboard full string effect, individual cello and violin tracks) lifting off and taking the lead until the vocals come back in. Lay it on me, other than the theme and actual phrase "distant lullaby" I'm not married to anything. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 13, 2012 Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 Couple of ideas But that was long agoA song I used to knowDistant lullabyIn the silence, ITry to... THINK OF (?) how you went If you'd play once moreI swear this time for sureDistant lullabyI will hold YOU tightAnd I... won't forget again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 Geez, "think of" - how in hell did I not think of that before? I intentionally avoided "hold you" because I thought it sounded too generic, but I'll consider that, especially if a few others agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 13, 2012 Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 Geez, "think of" - how in hell did I not think of that before? I intentionally avoided "hold you" because I thought it sounded too generic, but I'll consider that, especially if a few others agree. i just think the "you" makes it personal... like you are really speaking to the lost lullaby Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 Just bumping this one more time, since it's been a busy day around here. For some reason I expected a little more interest in this one. Should I mention it is only 2 minutes long? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 13, 2012 Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 Just bumping this one more time, since it's been a busy day around here. For some reason I expected a little more interest in this one. Should I mention it is only 2 minutes long? I've had a busy day, and just got around to this. It's fantastic. It's beautiful. It's a solid keeper. But the lyric does need a little work. (Just a little.) Stick has given you invaluable advice on the lyric. I can't comment on the word "recall" because you didn't sing it. There are other ways to talk about remembering something. I can't give you any ideas without hearing that line sung with whatever words you've got. I think the second line of the opening verse is what you should work on first. You used to come at night What other times of day do lullabies come. If it's a lullaby, we know it's bedtime, etc. So what else could the lullaby have done besides come at night? Distant lullaby you used to calm me down? Distant lullaby you used to bring me dreams? It seems to me that that second line will turn out to be the theme of the whole song. The lullaby used to do something, it used to give this guy something he still needs but can no longer get access to. Anyway -- damn! -- it's a really nice start. Don't feel bad that nobody's commenting. It's fantastic. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 Thanks, Lee. I've always looked at that line as a weak link, so I'm glad you picked it out. I'm also eyeballing that "for sure" as something that could use an upgrade. FWIW, if I keep the rhyme scheme as is, that second line needs to end in a strong "I" sound. Do you have any strong opinion on the necessity of keeping the rhyme in there? As for the "recall" line, the only options I can think of that might work are Try to re... member how you wentTry to... REEEcall how you wentTry to... think of how you wentTry to... summon how you went Only the final two don't involve some fancy phrasing footwork to fit it in. For simplicity's sake I should probably just take Stick's line, though you know me and always wanting to be overly descriptive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 Doesn't get rid of the time-of-day issue (of course they are at night!), but I think this is stronger. You used to tame the night Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted March 13, 2012 Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 It's fantastic. It's beautiful. It's a solid keeper. Yeah. I just listened. What a beautiful song. Honestly this song works for me exactly like it is......short, well played and well sung. I love the way you ended it. Your voice was right there with your playing.....just.....nice. I'll let all of our illustrious wordsmiths hash out any minor lyrical issues. Sometimes songs that are born like this should be kept as close to their original state as possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted March 13, 2012 Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 Very nice Justin. Really pretty melody... and perfect length too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 Is this a suitable replacement for the "I swear this time" line, or is the rhyme too obvious? If you'd play once moreJuts one more chance to soar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 13, 2012 Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 How about If you'd only play for meyour purest/softest/sweetest melodyDistant lullabyI will hold tightAnd I... won't forget again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 How aboutIf you'd only play for meyour purest/softest/sweetest melodyDistant lullabyI will hold tightAnd I... won't forget again Edit: Holy crap, is english my third language or something!? Does dropping the "seriously, I only need one more fix!" diminish the urgency any? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 13, 2012 Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 If you'd play againyour beautiful refrainDistant lullabyI will hold tightAnd I... won't ever forget Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 13, 2012 Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 by the way im suggesting things....but have no problem with the original lyric! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 ATM, I'm leaning towards If you'd play for me (sing to me?) Your purest melody Distant lullaby I will hold you tight And I... won't forget again That last line sings very well and also rhymes with "went" so it offers quasi resolve that the listener recognizes but isn't 100% aware of. At least in my mind, that is what happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 13, 2012 Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 Thanks, Lee. I've always looked at that line as a weak link, so I'm glad you picked it out. I'm also eyeballing that "for sure" as something that could use an upgrade.FWIW, if I keep the rhyme scheme as is, that second line needs to end in a strong "I" sound. Do you have any strong opinion on the necessity of keeping the rhyme in there?As for the "recall" line, the only options I can think of that might work areTry to re... member how you wentTry to... REEEcall how you wentTry to... think of how you wentTry to... summon how you went. Like I said, I don't know how the melody is supposed to go there. Bring back, call to mind, conjure up, hang on to, nail down the tune? There are a few more, but I can't recollect any of them right now. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 13, 2012 Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 either play for me or sing FOR me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 13, 2012 Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 How aboutIf you'd only play for meyour purest/softest/sweetest melodyDistant lullabyI will hold tightAnd I... won't forget again Those are all good. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 Like I said, I don't know how the melody is supposed to go there. Bring back, call to mind, conjure up, hang on to, nail down the tune? There are a few more, but I can't recollect any of them right now. LCK Bad pun alert! The trick is, it needs to be two syllables. Bring back fits, but none of the others. If I could get away with more, I'd probably just run with "remember". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 Those are all good.LCK You don't think it loses any urgency by dropping the "just once more" part? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 13, 2012 Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 I think "hold you" makes sense. In the previous verse you are trying to remember "how you went." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 13, 2012 Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 Bad pun alert! The trick is, it needs to be two syllables. Bring back fits, but none of the others. If I could get away with more, I'd probably just run with "remember". What if you tacked the "try to" on the the end of the previous line? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 What if you tacked the "try to" on the the end of the previous line? I tried to do that, but I can't pull it off without rewriting the second line. Sounds very akward, like I'm doing it because I want to fit the words, not because the song calls for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 13, 2012 Members Share Posted March 13, 2012 I tried to do that, but I can't pull it off without rewriting the second line. Sounds very akward, like I'm doing it because I want to fit the words, not because the song calls for it. Why didn't you like 'think of'? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.