Members Oswlek Posted March 15, 2012 Members Share Posted March 15, 2012 I passed this through a long time ago looking more for production help, but I've come to the conclusion that I need to start again from the ground up. I feel like I went too abstract with the lyrics and, even if they stay there, the last line of each chorus kinda sucks. I'm hoping the strong lyric group we have now can help me bang it into shape. demo - http://picosong.com/wFhr V1Nameless, faceless sitting at the wheelThese guiding hands I can't revealDraped in shadow, mirror fails to showWhat's behind the mask, afraid to askWho's in controlChorusInsatiable, the criminal I hideI'm your carnival, your feeble vagrant rideV2Empty promises line our battered pathThere's no bargaining, no barteringWith merciless wrathManic shame, molten in my bloodThis passenger door's the only cure I knowChorusInsatiable, the criminal I hideI'm your carnival, your feeble vacant rideInsatiable, the animal insideIn your carnival, your feeble wrethed ride A couple things. 1) I {censored}ing love this melody. I really don't have plans to alter that or shorten the song in any way. Only the opening phrase to the second verse is melodically up-for-grabs in any way. If it is too long, so be it. 2) Yes, I know the singing sucks and the triple tracked vocal does little to disguise it, but changing the key seems to kill something crucial to the magic with this one. I'll just have to do a better job with it later. OK, that out of the way, on to the lyrics. The song is about someone losing control due to an addiction of some kind. There are plenty of phrases that are to that effect, but nothing that makes it all clear. The problem is, I have no desire whatsoever to say, "one more fix" or banal addiction jargon like that, nor do I want to indicate exactly what the substance is. Can clarity be offered within that set of requirements? Or am I pigeon holing myself into needing to stay vague? Just as important is finding a fix for the even number chorus lines. That needs to happen either way, and is probably the top priority. Really, the only lines I'd have a hard time tossing are the odd number lines in the chorus. Otherwise I'm willing to burn the entire thing down and build it up right. Thanks in advance for the help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 15, 2012 Members Share Posted March 15, 2012 I like the lyrical idea a lot. And it's really well-written, for the most part. V1Nameless, faceless sitting at the wheelWhose guiding hands I can't revealDraped in shadow, mirror fails to showWhat's behind the mask, afraid to askWho's in control Chorus Insatiable, the criminal I hideI'm your carnival, your lost back-alley (?) ride V2 Empty promises line this battered pathThere's no bargaining, no barteringor escaping wrathManic shame, raging in my bloodThis passenger door's the only cure I know The words or phrases in bold are partly suggestions. But they're mainly there to show where I think certain bits of the lyric fall short of the rest. As I said, overall it's really good. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 15, 2012 Members Share Posted March 15, 2012 It's a great piece of backing guitar and vocal melody, but the change to the major took me by surprise.Juxtaposed against the rest of the music, the major shines a positive shaft of light into the sombre music and tragic lyric.Musically it's beautiful, but in the context of this song, I'm not sure why you did that. I agree with Lee - not that his suggestions are necessarily final, but he has put his finger exactly where I felt the lyric needed amendment. You ask is it too abstract, and does it require something to firm up on the theme. I think it could benefit from a word or two, but the rest can remain as you have it. Otherwise, a fantastic song to move forward. You are 90% there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted March 15, 2012 Members Share Posted March 15, 2012 Yeah...... You have been doing some great stuff of late and this is one more. I happen to love the way you sing this and I have no problems with the lyrics. Nice production as well. I'm no help at all....as usual. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 15, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 15, 2012 Wow, color me surprised, it is my inner HC voice that keeps telling me that this one needs work. It's a great piece of backing guitar and vocal melody, but the change to the major took me by surprise. Juxtaposed against the rest of the music, the major shines a positive shaft of light into the sombre music and tragic lyric. Musically it's beautiful, but in the context of this song, I'm not sure why you did that. I agree with Lee - not that his suggestions are necessarily final, but he has put his finger exactly where I felt the lyric needed amendment. You ask is it too abstract, and does it require something to firm up on the theme. I think it could benefit from a word or two, but the rest can remain as you have it. Otherwise, a fantastic song to move forward. You are 90% there. Why? Honestly, I have no idea, just love the sound of it. Frankly, it wasn't until I did that little major lift that I knew I was on to something. You in depth thinkers and yer questions! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 15, 2012 Members Share Posted March 15, 2012 You in depth thinkers and yer questions! I know - sometimes I just analyse too much. You did it because it sounds good - point validated! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 15, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 15, 2012 I know - sometimes I just analyse too much.You did it because it sounds good - point validated! Totally. The funny thing is, it was a total accident (I'm in an altered tuning to the fingerings are the same and was simply plucking around. Don't let my earlier comment disuade from analyzing some more. I was just playing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 15, 2012 Members Share Posted March 15, 2012 I'm thrilled that you don't think "carnival" needs fixing, but I can't make the current idea for the rest of the line work. Gotta keep at that one, it is the weakest line of the entire song set as the anchor. Big problem. Current idea? You mean my quickly tossed-off suggestion about a back-alley ride? Yeah, that probably won't fly. I don't know what to suggest in its place, but "feeble vacant ride" has got to go (IMO). By the way, it's an amazing tune. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 15, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 15, 2012 "feeble vacant ride" has got to go Totally. And "feeble, wretched ride" is even worse How about "shame, burning in my blood?" That hits hard. Anyone who's felt shame knows how hot it is. I like that better than "raging" and it is more straightforward than "molten". I have to admit, I love the molten idea (like lava in my veins!), but it is probably contributes to the vagueness issues, so I'll see about trade those out. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 16, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 16, 2012 Insatiable, the criminal I hideI'm your carnival, your feeble vagrant ride "the criminal I hide" feels a bit overly poetic.And you know, those carnival rides are skanky and edgy and bad. Why not just describe yourself as that in a little more detail Insatiable, this criminal insideI'm your good time, dirty carnival ride Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 16, 2012 Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 Insatiable, this criminal insideI'm your good time, dirty carnival ride That's really good. Maybe:I'm your thrill time dirty carnival ride (?) LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 16, 2012 Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 I'm your cheap thrill dirty carnival ride? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 16, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 16, 2012 That's really good. Maybe: I'm your thrill time dirty carnival ride (?) LCK I'm liking this^ It reminds me My Life With the Thrill Kill Cult or some other irresponsible 60's exploitation flick. I believe that's where this tune is going. Sort of sordid debauchery? I like "thrill time" cause cheap thrill I've heard before. It's cool but why bring along old baggage. But thrill time? It's like some totally elicit yet alluring sideshow attraction. Just like Justin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 Can I reverse it? Your dirty carnival, thrill time ride or maybe A dirty carnival, your thrill time ride Lee, regarding this "the criminal I hide" feels a bit overly poetic. It may be overly poetic, but I think it is closer to the truth of someone dealing with an addiction. Plus it sets up the "animal inside" change nicely, IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 16, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 16, 2012 Can I reverse it?or maybeLee, regarding thisIt may be overly poetic, but I think it is closer to the truth of someone dealing with an addiction. Plus it sets up the "animal inside" change nicely, IMO. I'll remind you, in friendship, that it is all in your opinion. That's what makes it yours. You gotta grab what you like and disregard the rest. That's what makes it you. You know what you like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 I'm really digging "a dirty carnival, your thrill time ride". But now I need some different for the repeated chorus the second time around. I could probably get away with using "carnival" again, like "that cheap carnival" but the latter half should be new. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 Just sang this over the last minute or so, and I think I can even get away with the reusing "dirty" again as well, as long as I use "that" at the beginning. Insatiable, the criminal I hideA dirty carnival, your thrill time rideInsatiable, the animal insideThat dirty carnival, ..... Or perhaps it should be new, but along the same vibe, sickly/mangy/filthy/nasty, etc. Of those, I'm eyeballing "filthy" as a word that could be used, if not there in the latter half. Now, about that last portion..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 16, 2012 Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 My dirty carnival, downhill slide? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 My dirty carnival, downhill slide? FWIW, "thril time ride" is one or two syllables too short. I can work with it, but options that add a syllable or two would actually be prefered. Oh, and I added some words to the post above. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 16, 2012 Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 My dirty carnival, your slow suicide? My dirty carnival, your chemical provide? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 16, 2012 Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 FWIW, "thril time ride" is one or two syllables too short. . I'm your carnival, your dirty thrill time ride. That should fit. LCK BTW, "dirty thrill time ride" is a line that would, in all probability, not end up in one of my songs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 16, 2012 Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 That dirty carnival will take you on its slide Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tat2bluez Posted March 16, 2012 Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 In your context of addiction - I'm thinking not dirty, because that 's not what appeals when in the grip of addiction; but rather the irresistible nature of it; like: I'm your carnival - your seductive ride..., your irresistible ride, your insidious ride, beguiling, tempting, pernicious, overwhelming... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 In your context of addiction - I'm thinking not dirty, because that 's not what appeals when in the grip of addiction; but rather the irresistible nature of it; like:I'm your carnival - your seductive ride..., your irresistible ride, your insidious ride, beguiling, tempting, pernicious, overwhelming... It should be pointed out that "I" am the ride, not the addiction. I am the dirty one. In this context those words really don't fit That does raise on interesting decision though, how about changing it to "MY dirty carnival"? That might just be the change that makes things more clear... As for keeping it "your", I think I figured it out. Insatiable, the criminal I hideYour dirty carnival, Oh thrill time rideInsatiable, the animal insideYour carnival, that filthy thrill time ride I can just add an "oh" to fill the space in the early versions and I forgot that there isn't room for an adjective before "carnival" the final run through, so putting one before "thrill" is change enough to keep "thrill time ride" intact. If you don't like filthy feel free to offer something else. This also keeps "dirty" in front of "carnival" where it belongs. But I'm definitely pondering that "my dirty carnival" change... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 16, 2012 If the final stanza went something like Insatiable, the criminal I hideYour dirty carnival, Oh thrill time ride Insatiable, the animal insideMy carnival, this unrelenting ride Would that clarrify or confuse? Not saying "unrelenting" is the choice. I'd prefer something like "inescapable", but that has one too many syllables. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.