Members bee3 Posted January 22, 2013 Members Share Posted January 22, 2013 The start of something... as usual, just a verse and chorus to show you what I'm thinking. I don't know... are these lyrics just too... http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12121925 We slipped into unconsciousness But consciously we stayed adrift Abstract notions strangely intertwined Reflecting love and hate and right and wrong But willfully we move along Ignoring all the warning signs Our minds just may be gone Too far along We did not know Help was right around the corner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted January 22, 2013 Members Share Posted January 22, 2013 I read the lyric first, and went......hmmmmmm.I then listened - and I love it. Musically its really terrific. I enjoyed it so much, I couldn't care less about the lyric. I think it's a classic case of songs needing to be heard and not read.I love the piano work so much, I'd suggest that your final arrangement have 50% instrumental work and 50% vocal. Whatever you write, it can be a mood lyric, with only the faintest hint of meaning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted January 22, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 22, 2013 Interestingly... I wrote the lyric and went.... hmmmmmm. Where did this hippy-dippy **bleep** come from? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LouKelso Posted January 24, 2013 Members Share Posted January 24, 2013 bee3 wrote: The start of something... as usual, just a verse and chorus to show you what I'm thinking. I don't know... are these lyrics just too... http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12121925 We slipped into unconsciousness But consciously we stayed adrift Abstract notions strangely intertwined Reflecting love and hate and right and wrong But willfully we move along Ignoring all the warning signs Our minds just may be gone Too far along We did not know Help was right around the corner To my way of thinking, the part in blue is the essential hub of the song. I wouldn't change a damn thing, lyrically. (Which is high praise, coming from me...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 25, 2013 It's growing on my Lou(?). Anyone have any thoughts on the bridge and the loose arrangement. I'm probably going to put a second verse in after that breakdown, into the chorus, then out... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted January 26, 2013 Members Share Posted January 26, 2013 I've been away from the computer for a few days and missed the discussion on this one. I agree with LCK on leaving the words as they are in the first version you posted. As a listener, I prefer the more open, abstract meaning that leaves me some options as to how I interpret it. However, I do think the song could use another verse. I have no ideas on the direction it should take, but right now the song just seems incomplete with that long instrumental section following the one verse.One other minor nit - The rapid-fire delivery of the "right around the corner" line felt too harsh for me. I'm wondering if there is a way to slow that down and soften it up a bit. I don't think there is anything wrong with the words themselves, just the way they are delivered.Almost forgot to mention - I like it a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 27, 2013 Members Share Posted January 27, 2013 Monkey Uncle wrote: I've been away from the computer for a few days and missed the discussion on this one. I agree with LCK on leaving the words as they are in the first version you posted. The rapid-fire delivery of the "right around the corner" line felt too harsh for me. I'm wondering if there is a way to slow that down and soften it up a bit. I agree.That's why I suggested this: Our minds just may be gonetoo far alongto know that help wasright around the corner instead of this: Our minds just may be gonetoo far alongfor us to know that help was right around the corner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted March 11, 2013 Members Share Posted March 11, 2013 Bot bump for bee3. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted March 11, 2013 Author Members Share Posted March 11, 2013 rsadasiv wrote: Bot bump for bee3. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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