A Picture on Its Side

[richarddieffenbach]

 

All comments welcome and appreciated on this short draft song.

 

A Picture on Its Side

© 2013 Rick Dieffenbach

A picture on its side

In a drawer

Gathers dust

Looking back at me

Are your eyes

What was on your mind

When the flash

caught your smile

Did you think of me

Thinking of you

========================

(Bridge to no where...)  :-)

Captured in

a photograph

How you were

Way back then

 

 

[LCK]

Hey, Rick! Nice to have you back!

It's an interesting departure for you. It's very enjoyable, but I felt like it lacked something. It seems a bit two-dimensional, melodically. Maybe the bridge could give it a lift?

Lyrically it's also a nice departure.

Your bass playing is fantastic!

[rsadasiv]

Kind of a Lucy In The Skies With Diamonds vibe with the guitar arpeggios and the vocals. Is that the Hofner bass? Sounds good - maybe back off on the compressor a little.

Nice song. Good to see you around. How are you doing?

[richarddieffenbach]

 

Hi LCK and Rsadasiv,

 

Thanks for the the feedback!

That is indeed my Hofner. Really, I'd love to take credit but the way the bass is built it practically plays itself when in the upper registers.

I had not played my G+L 2000 e Bass in a couple of months. I picked that up and tried using it a couple of days ago just for old times sake. It doesn't play anywhere near as even in the upper registers - and I always thought  it was just fine.  Just something about that woody tone in the Hofner I think is nice. So I am going to sell the G&L.

(Incidentally, I heard the Takamine EG512C hollow body  bass at a bar room show recently and intend to get that for my girl who wants to learn bass. It also has a deep wood tone and sounded very good in the live performance. 

 

And its a fraction of the hofner cost to boot:

Hollow Body Bass

But  I will be sticking with my Hofner.

As for me, I landed on my feet in my new home after a challenging several months of going through 25 years of accumulated stuff and getting the house I raised my kids in fit for sale. But that is behind me now and I am loving where I am at now. I listen to live music several times a week, it is fantastic.  They have open mikes sometimes. Maybe I will get the courage up at some point to have some fun with that.

This "Picture" song popped out yesterday after a dry spell of unfinished song ideas generated while I lived in my camper over the last month or so. Only the last few days have I enjoyed having all my gear set up.  It's been in moving storage for a couple of months now.

 

It's good to be back and although I am still playing catch up in my business (web dev) after all the diversions of the last few months, I will be around pretty much all the time now.

 

Best,

Rick

 

 

[rhino55]

Good stuff.

 

Lyrically speaking "looking back at me are your eyes" feels awkward. I'd reword it to "Your eyes are looking back at me."

If you need eyes at the end of the phrase, perhaps something about getting "lost in your eyes" would get the job done.

 

[Lee Knight]

I love it. Such an unexpected melody but it perfectly brings out the unique aspects of the lyric. Very cool lyric. Sentimental but at the same time oddly removed. It feels very honest and true. Very human.

 

But I'm no so enamored with the bridge to nowhere. I love how it is "to nowhere". How it just sort of stalls unexpectedly. That works really well. But it feels too similar to the verse, What I really wanted to hear was the relative major. Maybe even up a step. But not a standard diatonic progression either. Maybe a tonic chord then major II chord with I bass pedal then a bVII, a bar each while repeat the cool bridge lyric in a melody hovering around the 3rd. Repeating like round.

 

: C////

D/Cbass ////

Bb//// :

 

In whatever key. Anyway, I'm just giving you what came to mind to perhaps spark an idea cause the bridge as it stands feels like a bit of a throwaway.

 

But even if you leave it as is, this is very inventive and oddly touching.

[Oswlek]

I LOVE it!  Sounds like something I would write, which I hope comes across as a compliment. 

For me, the bridge to nowhere is absolutely wonderful, but I think you should consider bringing it back home by pausing and jumping back to 0:38 and fade out with a musical coda.  Don't bring any lyrics back, just keep repeating 0:38 - 0:53 and fade.  Trust me, this will work. 

The only thing I don't like is

Looking back at me

Are your eyes

Of course she is looking with her eyes!  What else would she look with?    Yes, at that point you haven't yet said it was a face, but that is what people will think and you take care of that in the next stanza.  The song is too short to have a throwaway line like that, the lyric too strong around it.

Awesome, awesome, awesome.

[Lee Knight]

I'm going to retract my earlier post on suggesting bridge to nowhere was less than successful. After listening a few times I've grown to really like exactly where it goes.

[Oswlek]

 

---

Lee Knight wrote:

 

I'm going to retract my earlier post on suggesting bridge to nowhere was less than successful. After listening a few times I've grown to really like exactly where it goes.

---

 

IMO, restarting with that awesome bass line and just running an instrumental coda would knock this one out of the park.

FWIW, I played this about 10 minutes ago and have been singing that bass line pretty much non-stop since then.