Air Enough To Breathe

[mbfrancis]

OK, you guys are an inspiration - I've had this music and chorus lyric for +5 years and finally finished the lyric.   It's meant to be a sketch, but still quietly devastating, so the last verse might be too much. Not sure I need alternate choruses.  The music is here with a dummy lyric, but you can get the vibe.  I can't re-do the vocal for a few days, so you'll have to imagine the new words.   EDIT:  Here is a rough demo with the new words.  EDIT #2: Here's a better mix (v4).

Let me know what you think!

 

"air enough to breathe"

 

I woke up cud'ling empty space

kissing impressions of your face

But you

[LCK]

 

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mbfrancis wrote:

 

OK, you guys are an inspiration - I've had this music and chorus lyric for +5 years and finally finished the lyric.   

It's meant to be a sketch, but still quietly devastating, so the last verse might be too much. Not sure I need alternate choruses.  

The music is here

with a dummy lyric, but you can get the vibe.  I can't re-do the vocal for a few days, so you'll have to imagine the new words.  

Let me know what you think!

 

"air enough to breathe"

 

I woke up cud'ling empty space

kissing impressions of your face

But you

[Lee Knight]

Can't listen but I'm digging the lyric lots. I particularly like this bit here,

 

 

[mbfrancis]

Thanks, guys

[mbfrancis]

OK here's a rough mix of a scratch vocal with the new words.  (Need to redo the piano solo too.)  I think it's long enough w/out the proposed v3.

https://soundcloud.com/martinbfrancis2/air-enough-to-breathe-demo

I'll add it to the first post, too.  

 

Also, sorry, I don't know how to embed "New Window" link functionality.  EDIT: Figured it out!

[Lee Knight]

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mbfrancis wrote:

OK, you guys are an inspiration - I've had this music and chorus lyric for +5 years and finally finished the lyric.   

It's meant to be a sketch, but still quietly devastating, so the last verse might be too much. Not sure I need alternate choruses.  

The music is here

with a dummy lyric, but you can get the vibe.  I can't re-do the vocal for a few days, so you'll have to imagine the new words. 

 

EDIT:  

Here is a rough demo

 with the new words.  

EDIT #2

:

Here's a better mix

 (v4).

Let me know what you think!

 

"air enough to breathe"

 

I woke up cud'ling empty space

kissing impressions of your face

But you

[Benya Weller]

I really like the lyrics, especially the ones from the chorus!

[mbfrancis]

 

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Lee Knight wrote:

 

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Wow, I really like the music to this. A couple of thoughts on the arrangement and style. First off, what genre is this going for? It has a slightly cynical feel. Sort of like an updated Steely Dan. The style is anything but hip, and yet... it feels like the sensibility behind it is hip. And I think the arrangement should reflect that. Right now, you have a very cool sounding demo in an outdated style. But the style is so cool. Right?

 

 

 

So why not do this with 808 drums, and very cutting edge synth bass sound, and the Joe Jackson piano leanings and breezy vocal stylings as is. I think it needs some interesting hybrid ideas in the arrangement.  When Joe Jackson did Steppin' Out, what he was doing was combining some new wave sensibility at the time with a more loungy jazz pop sound. It was fresh then and remains cool today. The freshness and newness of it may be less apparent today to someone who didn't live through that however.

 

 

 

I think that's where your tune is right now. I mean, you mention bathroom or grafitti stalls. This isn't your typical South American pop samba thing. This is clever pop. It needs to be treated more that way in the arrangement. Which is really cool, btw.

 

 

 

The other thing., The way you roll out the title/hook phrase. It feels a little undercooked. There is no build of anticipation and release.

 

 

 

Air enough... Air enough... to 

breath.

Or not. But I do think if you simply put your head to the task of making your hook statement a little more of a "tah-dah!", it would give the whole verse and chorus a more exciting and rewarding payoff each time around.

 

 

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Wow, Lee, this is dead on, like eeriely  - you're right the song is currently cooler/hipper than the rather straight arrangemet.  Updated Steely Dan is about right too - knowing, arch, appropriating the style but apart from it.  I also think the direction leads to the early 80s, maybe a new wave/power pop direction.  I also hear electronic stuff.

Oh, man tell me what to do on the hook - I'm already stopping the tune completely and screaming at the top of my lungs, what more do you want from me, ha.  I'm all ears - I'd sell my mom to improve a hook.