To Hell—or to Adele?—In a Hand Basket

Find out how Adele is using MILFs, British comings, singular sensations and happy endings to single-handedly save the recording industry from fiery destruction

By Chris Marion

A dark, dire tale of plummeting CD sales and digital downloads has dominated the music industry narrative lately. Revenue that supported the lavish debauchery of executives and rock stars alike has all but disappeared in the profit drought of the great recording recession. Sadness, despair, and most importantly, seeking who to blame has fallen like a wet, bedbug-infested blanket over the once-shining Kingdom of Major Labels.

But behold! In one fell swoop, a champion has come forth, and a savior is reborn with the second coming of the British “phenom” that is—Adele!

OOPS – SHE DID IT…AGAIN

They say that records are meant to be broken (according to the recently released archival work, “What They Say”). Apparently, the newly maternal and totally svelte torch singer, Adele, studied up on what “they” say and took it to her well-conditioned heart. First, her release of “25” easily broke the vaunted solo female artist single-week record of legendary operatic talent Britney Spears (1.3 million units). The Englishwoman, who may yet attain the coveted “upstart tart” status if only she can get hold of some trashier clothes, then proceeded to detach the strings from the seemingly unbreakable record long held by the estimable boy band NSYNC when sales rocketed past 2.4 million.

She’s selling music at a time when you’re not supposed to be able to sell music. Why? Here are three reasons why Adele is literally plucking the recording industry from the fiery pit of sales hell.

1. ADELE 2015 – HELLO MILF

Put your dirty mind aside, and pay attention. Acronyms (IMO) are helpful abbreviations (or in the case of this subsection title, "initialisms") that use the first letter of each word in a colloquial phrase to form a separate word. I have coined a new acronym to honor why Adele is the new savior-hero of the music industry: MILF—Music I Listen For. This new release is filled with organic trysts that make love to the aural pleasure centers of my (and this week alone over 3 million of your) musical tastes. As you listen with rapt emotion, you feel like this tonal temptress is breathing each track into your ear. The MILF Factor™ is one reason why this new mum’s music is giving mouth-to-mouth to an impotent industry.

2. THE BRITISH ARE STILL COMING

Americans have always had an obsession with anything British. Although we had edgy, all-American rocking acts like Bobby Vee and punk-rock progenitors The Archies, teenage fangirls ripped off their knickers without second thought for the first invasion of the fabulous four from Liverpool.

Our blood lust for the English is as logical as having an old girlfriend who thrust her hand into your chest, ripped out your heart, and then proceeded to spit into your gaping chest wound—yet you still keep her old sweatpants because they have a slight fragrance of the dryer beads she used. Yes, we still swoon about the moves of the sagging septuagenarian, Mick Jagger, even though he might break a hip with those same moves—but it seems no one cares about American Heart frontwoman Ann Wilson’s new EP, even after her drastic weight-loss saga and revitalization. Yet the slim-fast and sales-furious Brit, Adele, is reviving our revered music industry (and just in time for your Christmas shopping!).

3. ONE SINGULAR SENSATION

When one’s star explodes to the point that it creates its own gravitational influence on the cosmos, one loses the weighty surname and joins the ranks of the “one-namers.” Elvis, Madonna, Prince, Zamfir—these icons need only one name to receive adulation throughout the entire cosmos. Adele began her career after ditching her last name Adkins—and by cleverly exploiting SING (SIngular Name Gravity), set into motion a serendipitous plan destined to save her chosen profession. It is prophetically fitting that her “25” drops during the Christmas season: Her ardent fans are threatening to boycott Starbucks unless her image is added to holiday cups, and her new CD is featured prominently at every location checkout. (Okay, I made that up. But admit it—for a second there you thought it could be true.)

HAPPY ENDINGS

While the aforementioned conclusions are all in good satirical fun, I would be remiss if I didn’t herald a legitimate example of Adele’s business acumen that actually might contribute to saving the music industry—from itself. Adele and her record company have barred “25” from any streaming whatsoever. (Curiously, this feisty Brit’s stance has not received the amount of attention that Taylor Swift garnered for refusing to allow her new record, “1989” to be streamed on Apple Music earlier this year.)

Both of these courageous stands are demonstrating that artists must not roll over and play dead while settling for the table scraps from sweetheart deals that streaming companies negotiate with greedy suits at record companies. Artists and writers alike are cheated out of legitimately deserved royalties, while record companies have been impotent to protect the very people who create the music they give away.

To preserve the hallowed exchange between artist and fan, it will take bold artists like Taylor and Adele who also continue to create incredible music that creates demand. 3.2 million units of “25” sold in one week of retail sales support the proverbial “Field of Dreams” axiom—build it, and they will come. The music industry desperately needs a hero from the other side. Hello, Adele.

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Chris Marion is an American musician best known as a member of Little River Band and for his contribution to the gospel and country music industries. Although graduating college with a B.A. in Psychology, he is a classically trained pianist and has worked in the music industry professionally for over 35 years. As a resident of Nashville, he is involved in the recording industry working in the genres of Gospel, Country and Rock.  Since 2004, he has toured globally with the classic rock act Little River Band as a keyboardist and vocalist.  For more useless trivia and minutiae concerning Chris or to contact him directly, feel free to visit his personal website www.chrismarionmusic.com.