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Craig's List - The 5 Top Competitions at the Musician Olympics

Yes...the musician olympics!


by Craig Anderton



Few people are aware that exactly two months after the Winter Olympics end, the Musician Olympics begin. But just because these events don’t get coverage on TV doesn’t mean they don’t exist—so let’s take a trip to the bustling host city of Kangiqsualujjuaq, Quebec, where we’ll certainly be watching to see which records fall this year!



The Yngwie Malmsteen Notes Per Second competition. While tainted by the previous arpeggiation scandal that led to the banning of all electronic instruments, the appeal remains of musicians playing as many notes as they can, as fast as they can, regardless of any musical relevance.



The Golden Ears Acting competition. This new event involves acting abilities for the very first time, and is open to audiophiles as well as musicians. The competitors listen to music with a 384 kHz sample rate, and whoever does the most convincing job of making the judges think they actually hear a difference wins the competition—as well as gets to sign an endorsement deal with the famed fashion line, “Emperor’s New.”



The Web Site Money-Making marathon. In this marathon, musicians are given two weeks to try to make over $22.50 from selling their music on the web. Although there haven’t been any winners yet, the Olympic committee keeps hoping that 2018 will be the year. Or maybe 2019. Maybe 2024.



The PA Speaker Toss event. Calling all muscle-bound roadies! In this replacement for the groupie-juggling event of previous Musician Olympics from a less-enlightened era, contestants are given “portable” PA speakers, and whoever can toss them the furthest wins. In case of a tie, the tosser of the speaker with the most damage wins—and as an additional reward, will be recruited immediately by UPS.



The DAW Bootup Race Against Time. Competitors are all given identical $349 Windows laptops from Office Depot—complete with unfathomable amounts of bloatware—along with an AT&T DSL connection to download a DAW chosen by OSC, the Olympic Software Committee. Contestants then try to beat the world’s record time of 22 hours, 36 minutes, and 12 seconds from first turning on the computer to recording an actual audio track. Experts expect the record to stand, but you never know—that’s the excitement of the Musician Olympics!  -HC-




Craig Anderton is a Senior Contributing Editor at Harmony Central. He has played on, mixed, or produced over 20 major label releases (as well as mastered over a hundred tracks for various musicians), and written over a thousand articles for magazines like Guitar Player, Keyboard, Sound on Sound (UK), and Sound + Recording (Germany). He has also lectured on technology and the arts in 38 states, 10 countries, and three languages.


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ggm1960  |  June 05, 2018 at 10:09 am
Hilarious, true and sad all at the same time!
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