Songwriting Workshop

[LCK]

The title just popped into my head, and I quickly sketched out the lyric.

What do you think? Anything here?

 I Wish It Were You

Baby, I’ve found me a new love
who does things that you’d never do.
This might even be a fait accompli.
So why do I wish it were you?

Why can’t my heart go dancing
where no memories pop into view?
Out on the floor with the one I adore
Why do I wish it were you?

Bridge.
Though you could not perfect me
you gave it a couple of whirls.
And in the process you wrecked me
for all other girls.

We never could stay together.
Yet somehow my heart stays true.
And with every new love I’m thinking of you love.
Oh how I wish it were you.

Words & Music © 2013 by Lee Charles Kelley

West Sixty Ninth Street Music (ASCAP)

[Monkey Uncle]

It's certainly a subject matter that's been done before, but if anyone can put a fresh twist on it, you can.  I think you're off to a good start.

A few things that mildly bugged me:

The "fait accompli" line.  Too much of a frou-frou term for me.

Not sure about "where no memories pop into view."  I like the sentiment, but the word choice seems a bit strained.  But this could be one of those things that irons itself out when it is sung.

The last line of the bridge seems too short for the syllable and stress pattern that has been established up to that point.  Again, this concern might go away when I hear it sung.

[LCK]

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Monkey Uncle wrote:

It's certainly a subject matter that's been done before, but if anyone can put a fresh twist on it, you can.  I think you're off to a good start.

A few things that mildly bugged me:

The "fait accompli" line.  Too much of a frou-frou term for me.

Not sure about "where no memories pop into view."  I like the sentiment, but the word choice seems a bit strained.  But this could be one of those things that irons itself out when it is sung.

The last line of the bridge seems too short for the syllable and stress pattern that has been established up to that point.  Again, this concern might go away when I hear it sung.

---

Good points.

It's funny: the fait accompli line is my favorite.

At any rate, this just popped out last night. It took about two minutes to write. So it's definitely a rough draft.

[nat whilk II]

My replacement for the fait accompli line:

Even I can plainly see she's the right one for me

So why do I wish it was you.

But I'm torn between "it" and "she". "It" is not a nice word for referring to a person, but it sounds better in the line just a tad.

nat whilk ii

[Monkey Uncle]

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LCK wrote:

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Monkey Uncle wrote:

It's certainly a subject matter that's been done before, but if anyone can put a fresh twist on it, you can.  I think you're off to a good start.

A few things that mildly bugged me:

The "fait accompli" line.  Too much of a frou-frou term for me.

Not sure about "where no memories pop into view."  I like the sentiment, but the word choice seems a bit strained.  But this could be one of those things that irons itself out when it is sung.

The last line of the bridge seems too short for the syllable and stress pattern that has been established up to that point.  Again, this concern might go away when I hear it sung.

---

Good points.

It's funny: the fait accompli line is my favorite.

At any rate, this just popped out last night. It took about two minutes to write. So it's definitely a rough draft.

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Two minutes?!  (How do you do a facepalm now?  Oh well, pretend there's one here.)

[rsadasiv]

I think it is good. I can definitely hear you singing it.

[Oswlek]

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rsadasiv wrote:
I think it is good. I can definitely hear you singing it.

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Ditto.

[Lee Knight]

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LCK wrote:

The title just popped into my head, and I quickly sketched out the lyric.

What do you think? Anything here?

 I Wish It Were You

Baby, I’ve found me a new love
who does things that you’d never do.
This might even be a fait accompli.
So why do I wish it were you?

Why can’t my heart go dancing
where no memories pop into view?
Out on the floor with the one I adore
Why do I wish it were you?

Bridge.
Though you could not perfect me
you gave it a couple of whirls.
And in the process you wrecked me
for all other girls.

We never could stay together.
Yet somehow my heart stays true.
And with every new love I’m thinking of you love.
Oh how I wish it were you.

Words & Music © 2013 by Lee Charles Kelley

West Sixty Ninth Street Music (ASCAP)

---

Nice ^ ! The whole thing just slides nicely. Very cool.

One thought... I love the bridge but I think it would work better if there were a word or two or three in a verse before about her trying to "perfect " him. As it stands now, it jumps out from the blue thematically just a little. Something like...

Baby, I’ve found me a new love
who does things that you’d never do.
She never tries to change me
So why do I wish it were you?

We even go out dancing
One thing you could never get me to do
Out on the floor with the one I adore
Why do I wish it were you?

Then when you hit the bridge we have some sort of reference to the "perfect me" bit.

Though you could not perfect me
you gave it a couple of whirls.
And in the process you wrecked me
for all other girls.

[LCK]

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Lee Knight wrote:

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Nice ^ ! The whole thing just slides nicely. Very cool.

One thought... I love the bridge but I think it would work better if there were a word or two or three in a verse before about her trying to "perfect " him. As it stands now, it jumps out from the blue thematically just a little.

---

Good point.

Maybe:

Why can’t I go out dancing
where no memories pop into view?
Out on the floor
with the one I adore—
why do I wish it were you?

My new love is so entrancing,
won’t scold me as you used to do.
It might even be
a fait accompli.
So why do I wish it were you?
 
You tried but could not perfect me,
gave it more than a couple of whirls.
But in the process you wrecked me
for all other girls.
 
And though we are done romancing,
somehow my heart stays true.
And with each new love—
what can I do love—
Oh how I wish it were you.
 

[Oswlek]

Your first draft was better, and I like Lee's suggestions (particularly the "dancing" one) more than any new idea in this rewrite.

[Lee Knight]

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LCK wrote:

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Lee Knight wrote:

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Nice ^ ! The whole thing just slides nicely. Very cool.

One thought... I love the bridge but I think it would work better if there were a word or two or three in a verse before about her trying to "perfect " him. As it stands now, it jumps out from the blue thematically just a little.

---

Good point.

Maybe:

Why can’t I go out dancing
where no memories pop into view?
Out on the floor
with the one I adore—
why do I wish it were you?

My new love is so entrancing,
won’t scold me as you used to do.
It might even be
a fait accompli.
So why do I wish it were you?
 
You tried but could not perfect me,
gave it more than a couple of whirls.
But in the process you wrecked me
for all other girls.
 
And though we are done romancing,
somehow my heart stays true.
And with each new love—
what can I do love—
Oh how I wish it were you.
 

---

I think that does it nicely. Another note... this is leaning very heavily toward a sort of Cole Porter tone. The language is very much from that era. Of course, that is your bag and it's cool. But this does seem to really lean into the area of language from another time. Heavily.

If that's what you're seeing as this needing to be, you're nailing it. If, on the other hand, you see this as a modern jazz/pop song for someone to cover, I'd try and make the language a little less from the Porter museum.

Just a point to consider, because it really has that vibe of a well written lyric from another time. So that would either be perfect for your needs or way off the mark depending.

[LCK]

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Lee Knight wrote:

I think that does it nicely. Another note... this is leaning very heavily toward a sort of Cole Porter tone. The language is very much from that era. Of course, that is your bag and it's cool. But this does seem to really lean into the area of language from another time. Heavily.

That's definitely what I was going for.

[rsadasiv]

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Lee Knight wrote:

I'd try and make the language a little less from the Porter museum.

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Ha - yeah, that's a nice way to put it. Porter content is a delicate balance in the LCK ecosystem - this one I can hear in his guitar + standards delivery, so I let it go. The song in the Showcase thread seemed a little closer to pop-country, so I tried consciously reducing the Porter content.

[Lee Knight]

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LCK wrote:

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Lee Knight wrote:

I think that does it nicely. Another note... this is leaning very heavily toward a sort of Cole Porter tone. The language is very much from that era. Of course, that is your bag and it's cool. But this does seem to really lean into the area of language from another time. Heavily.

That's definitely what I was going for.

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Cool, I look forward to hearing this. It is a classic style of lyric you've got going. You're nailing it and I'm digging it.

[LCK]

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rsadasiv wrote:

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Porter content is a delicate balance in the LCK ecosystem - this one I can hear in his guitar + standards delivery, so I let it go. The song in the Showcase thread seemed a little closer to pop-country, so I tried consciously reducing the Porter content.

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And you did a terrific job of doing that. Thanks.

[oldgitplayer]

Good lyric.

The only line that feels a bit out of place is : where no memories pop into view?

'pop' doesn't feel right.

slide, float, skate, drift, slip, slink, or something like that?

[LCK]

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oldgitplayer wrote:

Good lyric.

The only line that feels a bit out of place is : where no memories pop into view?

'pop' doesn't feel right.

slide, float, skate, drift, slip, slink, or something like that?

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Thanks for the thesaural ideas...

I'm thinking drift or float. They have a dance-ey feel to them...

[Marshal]

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LCK wrote:

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Good points.

It's funny: the fait accompli line is my favorite.

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I liked it when I heard it in my head. For the genre of music you write in, it's very apropos.

I'd love to hear it. 

[LCK]

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Marshal wrote:

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I liked it when I heard it in my head. For the genre of music you write in, it's very apropos.

I'd love to hear it. 

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I had a perfectly lovely tune pop into my head as I was in bed last night, just about to fall asleep.

I was too tired to get up and work it out on the guitar so it's gone.

For now.

[Marshal]

That's what cell phones are for. Use it as your alarm clock and late night recorder. 

But, don't ask Siri if she likes the tune.