Songwriting Workshop

[grace_slick]

I think I suck lately at this songwriting stuff, but here we go...

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12166381

Watch Out For Those Hearts

It isn’t always safe for me to speak my mind

You didn’t let me know you’d cut me down this time

La la la la la la la la x 2

So many words are spoken in pursuit of truth

But underneath the veil there’s nothing left of you

There ain’t a single life around this universe

That doesn’t search for love and end up getting hurt

La la la la la la la la

Ohh, watch out for them

Ohh, watch out for those hearts

They’re coming round the corner for me

They’re coming, don’t let them leave a scar

Oh, I feel them coming for

Coming for…me

Those empty hearts are running for

Running for…free

And I seem…empty, cause I need

To cry for all the times you left me lonely

Too many tears for all the times you made me blue

Now I’m through

Yeah, I’m through with the pain that was loving you

All those hearts chase me around the block but I won’t slow down

So many empty hearts, tearing up the street, wanting me to drown

But ohh, watch out for them

Ohh, watch out for those hearts

They’re coming round the corner for me

They’re coming, don’t let them leave a scar

Oh, I feel them coming for

Coming for…me

Those empty hearts are running for

Running for…free

And I feel…empty

[stickboymusic]

This is great

I am not sure you have nailed the production ideas

When it started out I was so drawn in - great melody, vocals ace as ever but then them drums and stuff came in and it was really distracting.

Maybe keep it simple or bring some shaker in or something

or save the build for later in the song

[Oswlek]

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stickboymusic wrote:

This is great

I am not sure you have nailed the production ideas

When it started out I was so drawn in - great melody, vocals ace as ever but then them drums and stuff came in and it was really distracting.

Maybe keep it simple or bring some shaker in or something

or save the build for later in the song

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I have to agree that the drums are really distracting, the tune is pining for some authentic drumming.

I absolutely LOVE the second "la la" part around the 0:40 mark and was disappointed when the song never went back in that direction.  The minor change immediately aterward took me by surprising (in a not pleasant way) on the first listen but it didn't seem nearly as harsh on subsequent listens.

To my ears, "And I seem…empty, cause I need" seemed like a beautiful transition back to a major key and when you stayed minor the song started to drag for me.   Yes, I know the chords changed a little, but the feel was still the same.  I think instead of this stanza

To cry for all the times you left me lonely

Too many tears for all the times you made me blue

Now I’m through

Yeah, I’m through with the pain that was loving you

It would work better if you brought back the initial verse music.  I know replacing this leaves "need" unresolved, but the lyric and mood is so clear that I don't think it will create a problem.

The song has serious potential, you just need to solve the drum issue and give it more melodic texture after the chorus comes in.

[peanutroad]

Pretty much love it. Also pretty much agree with the remarks on the production. I was hearing this in my head done with a 60s pop sound, a la Petula Clark or something like that.

[nat whilk II]

There's a really good song in there.  If it were my song, I would feel like it needs at least one section cut out, and an existing section made into a repeating chorus that comes around a couple of times at least.  

To tighten it up and make it easier to remember and catch right off on the first listen.  And then maybe bring back some section that was cut as a fade-out coda or something.  

Yeah, when you shift from the bouncy strum-only section into the backing drums and all, there's a pretty big jar there...maybe shorten the strum-only startup section, give a pause, then kick in with the full band.  Don't think you need the lala section in the strum-only part, either.

But like I said, you've definitely got a good song, just needs a little cutting, re-arranging, and splicing into a bit more standard pop tune set of sections. At least that's what I would do fwiw.

nat whilk ii

[Oswlek]

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nat whilk II wrote:

There's a really good song in there.  If it were my song, I would feel like it needs at least one section cut out, and an existing section made into a repeating chorus that comes around a couple of times at least.  

To tighten it up and make it easier to remember and catch right off on the first listen.  And then maybe bring back some section that was cut as a fade-out coda or something.  

Yeah, when you shift from the bouncy strum-only section into the backing drums and all, there's a pretty big jar there...maybe shorten the strum-only startup section, give a pause, then kick in with the full band.  Don't think you need the lala section in the strum-only part, either.

But like I said, you've definitely got a good song, just needs a little cutting, re-arranging, and splicing into a bit more standard pop tune set of sections. At least that's what I would do fwiw.

nat whilk ii

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I pretty much agree with all of this, though I did like the second "la la" part a great deal.  If you cut one, make it the first one, perhaps sliding the second into that slot.

[LCK]

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grace_slick wrote:

Watch Out For Those Hearts

 
It isn’t always safe for me to speak my mind
You didn’t let me know you’d cut me down this time
 
La la la la la la la la x 2
 
So many words are spoken in pursuit of truth
But underneath the veil there’s nothing left of you
 
There ain’t a single life around this universe
That doesn’t search for love and end up getting hurt
 
La la la la la la la la
 
Ohh, watch out for them
Ohh, watch out for those hearts
They’re coming round the corner for me
They’re coming, don’t let them leave a scar
 
Oh, I feel them coming for
Coming for…me
Those empty hearts are running for
Running for…free
And I seem…empty, cause I need
 
To cry for all the times you left me lonely
Too many tears for all the times you made me blue
Now I’m through
Yeah, I’m through with the pain that was loving you
 
All those hearts chase me around the block but I won’t slow down
So many empty hearts, tearing up the street, wanting me to drown
 
It isn’t always safe for me to speak my mind
You didn’t let me know you’d cut me down this time
 
La la la la la la la la x 2
 
So many words are spoken in pursuit of truth
But underneath the veil there’s nothing left of you
 
There ain’t a single life around this universe
That doesn’t search for love and end up getting hurt
 
La la la la la la la la
 
Ohh, watch out for them
Ohh, watch out for those hearts
They’re coming round the corner for me
They’re coming, don’t let them leave a scar
 
All those hearts chase me around the block but I won’t slow down
So many empty hearts, tearing up the street, wanting me to drown

The opening sections are fantastic.

The shift into minor modality is okay for a little while, but gets old fast. My ear kept wanting to go back to those opening phrases and feelings.

[grace_slick]

Hmmmm...I'm very pleased to read all these comments.

I woke up thinking about this song, and realised I wanted to go back to the initial first verse melody instead of the change I did in the second verse. I LIKE that melody but it's like a different song or something coming in...doesn't quite fit. The reason I did that was because after the chorus, I couldn't remember the first verse melody anymore! I just couldn't get it to stay in my head, and it's not because it was crap or anything, but rather, because the pre-chorus and the chorus were so...unmatched with the first part of the song that it was hard to switch my ear back to that first part. So do I want the first part or the second part (chorus parts) to BE the song? And I want the first part, definitely.

I also realised my initial inspiration for this song has NOT been followed very well (for technical reasons, as usual for me). I didn't want those drums in there but the guitar part in the beginning just didn't sound how I envisioned it in my head, so I felt I had to compensate for that...and then came the drums, which changed the whole rhythm of the song to something I didn't like. Ugh!

Anyway, I will be back with a re-work of this.

Thanks guys!

[Monkey Uncle]

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grace_slick wrote:

Hmmmm...I'm very pleased to read all these comments.

I woke up thinking about this song, and realised I wanted to go back to the initial first verse melody instead of the change I did in the second verse. I LIKE that melody but it's like a different song or something coming in...doesn't quite fit. The reason I did that was because after the chorus, I couldn't remember the first verse melody anymore! I just couldn't get it to stay in my head, and it's not because it was crap or anything, but rather, because the pre-chorus and the chorus were so...unmatched with the first part of the song that it was hard to switch my ear back to that first part. So do I want the first part or the second part (chorus parts) to BE the song? And I want the first part, definitely.

I also realised my initial inspiration for this song has NOT been followed very well (for technical reasons, as usual for me). I didn't want those drums in there but the guitar part in the beginning just didn't sound how I envisioned it in my head, so I felt I had to compensate for that...and then came the drums, which changed the whole rhythm of the song to something I didn't like. Ugh!

Anyway, I will be back with a re-work of this.

Thanks guys!

---

Late to the party here - I pretty much agree with everything that's been said so far.  Musically, the first three stanzas are the real song.  But I would also consider a major overhaul of the lyric after those first three stanzas.  After that, I felt like the song was wandering aimlessly both musically and lyrically.  I suggest trying to turn those first three stanzas into a coherent story.

[Lee Knight]

I really like and agree with LCK/Lee's input on this. And...those early verses are really deep. I wish I could do that. But about the chorus...

Ohh, watch out for them
Ohh, watch out for those hearts
They’re coming round the corner for me
They’re coming, don’t let them leave a scar

I love the idea of "watch out for those hearts".It's vintage Grace and takes a basic truth, as you said here so eloquently:

There ain’t a single life around this universe

That doesn’t search for love and end up getting hurt

"Watch out for those hearts" takes that basic truth above and distills it into an almost comic book simplicity. Kurt Cobain used to do that. Take truth and turn it into a children's song to create this thing. This thing that could pierce right to the heart of it.

And that's why I don't like the last line of the chorus. "don’t let them leave a scar" It takes me out of that childlike truth and simplicity and brings me back to the songwriter rhyming. I'd keep that child vision intact.

Ohh, watch out for them
Ohh, watch out for those hearts
They’re coming round the corner for me
They’re coming, Ohh, watch out for those hearts

[grace_slick]

Thanks Lee!! I get what you mean about that...and heheh, "Vintage Grace", eh? I like that a lot.

I've actually been slightly swept away by a new inspiration so I plan to see what happens with that next week when I'm next at home alone, and THEN I'll go back to this one and re-work it entirely (apart from the first part).

[Marshal]

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LCK wrote:

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The opening sections are fantastic.

The shift into minor modality is okay for a little while, but gets old fast. My ear kept wanting to go back to those opening phrases and feelings.

---

I guess I agree. The verses and pre-chorus are fabulous. (Though I like the simples strummed ones better than the tambourine). The minor mode on the chorus and the downer cast to that is a little disconcerting. Probably just too long. Tension  and release. I was waiting for the release of the major melody. It comes, but as a listener I think it lingered a little long on the minor. The minor is a nice counterpoint to the major. But the major chords are the song. They tell all the story the listener needs to know. 

But nice. 

[grace_slick]

Thank ye, Mr Marshy.