Songwriting Workshop

[Uh_Me]

This a rough draft recording. The lyrics were written a few hours ago and I threw the track together in about one. That's why it sounds so sloppy. Also I'm actually doing vocals and I am a terrible f***ing singer. And it doesn't help that I was trying to stay quiet which seemed to effectively **** up that last verse because I tried to go higher. I'm pretty sure I could hit the note, it would just have been louder. So yeah, none of it is finished really, but so far, what do you guys think? Any tips or ideas? I'm really new to recording in general so any tips therd would be appreciated as well.

http://anthonylong.bandcamp.com/track/from-pillar-to-post

From Pillar To Post

I seem to forget
Exactly what type of niche
A person like you fits into.
A peaceful habitat
With no contact
Or one that tries to
Destroy you.

You cry for the tranquil 
but everything you do will
Give you a negative result.
You start all the drama
with a self-righteous cantata
That brings your life to a halt.

You see your reflection, 
With the expectation
It will always stay on your side.
But out of frustration
and exasperation
It will leave you high and dry.

And you have it backwards
So you never can move towards
The light you desperately seek.
So drop to your knees
and say "Lord, please
Let me have my soul to keep."

[rishabhsachan]

beinteenah from race2

[Uh_Me]

Uhh come again?

[rsadasiv]

I like the guitars and I like the lyrics on the page, but the vocal doesn't really communicate the lyric very well. The recording has a bunch of background noise ( chair squeaks? bumping into the mic?) that is distracting.

[Lee Knight]

First, your singing is fine and in some ways very unique. Unique to the point of being a real asset. Use it to your advantage. It's cool, different, but cool.

I like the cadence, chords and melody of the song. I REALLY like the style of lyric, the rhymes, the tone of the lyric. But... there is no "through line". Nothing that says you're talking about the same person. It almost does, but really, I'm not getting a sense you're really describing someone here. And I'm not sure what it is you're trying to saying about them.

So, the fact that you have a cool way with words (and you do), for me, you need to make sure you're really saying something with those words. And if you are, make sure we can get it.

From Pillar to Post.

^^^ The fact that there is no inclusion of the title in the lyric is what tipped me off. From Pillar to Post means from one place to another. It's used to sort of imply every which way but loose. How does it tie in here? My suggestion,

...write a chorus using the hook phrase From Pillar To Post. Here's my disposable example:

From pillar to post

from the hills to the coast

In every direction, all of the time

You've become a ghost

Searching for a host

Trying to hide from your crimes

Running from pillar to post

Then make sure every line in your verses supports whatever theme you've written in your chorus. I think you've got a very cool start but need to make sure it all ties into together. That way you get a chorus/hook too, which I think the music could use...

Cool.

[Oswlek]

I was going to suggest something similar to what Lee mentioned.  There is no home base for the listener to really sink his teeth into, and the song is crying out for one.  On top of that, the chord progression gets tiring by the end, despite the brevity of the tune.  A chorus would offer a nice break.

As for your voice, I like the 3-11, Beastie Boy type rap thing you have going, though I'm not sure it is even what you intended.  If anything, playing more into it might be a cool way to go.  Either way, you definitely need to retake because the vocals just aren't cutting it as they are right now.

[blue2blue]

---

Uh_Me wrote:

This a rough draft recording. The lyrics were written a few hours ago and I threw the track together in about one. That's why it sounds so sloppy. Also I'm actually doing vocals and I am a terrible f***ing singer. And it doesn't help that I was trying to stay quiet which seemed to effectively **** up that last verse because I tried to go higher. I'm pretty sure I could hit the note, it would just have been louder. So yeah, none of it is finished really, but so far, what do you guys think? Any tips or ideas? I'm really new to recording in general so any tips therd would be appreciated as well.

http://anthonylong.bandcamp.com/track/from-pillar-to-post

From Pillar To Post

I seem to forget
Exactly what type of niche
A person like you fits into.
A peaceful habitat
With no contact
Or one that tries to
Destroy you.

You cry for the tranquil 
but everything you do will
Give you a negative result.
You start all the drama
with a self-righteous cantata
That brings your life to a halt.

You see your reflection, 
With the expectation
It will always stay on your side.
But out of frustration
and exasperation
It will leave you high and dry.

And you have it backwards
So you never can move towards
The light you desperately seek.
So drop to your knees
and say "Lord, please
Let me have my soul to keep."

---

Well... it's probably got a ways to go.

But, yeah, sounds like you got a song here. = )

Obviously, the vocals will take a while to sort out if someone else will be doing the singing. As it stands now, the vocal melody seems pretty undefined, although I felt like I got a feel of up and down in your delivery, a certain sort of vaguely melodic pattern.*

*It used to amaze me that Dylan could sound so 'monotone' and yet you could extract the melody from his vocal; then I realized that his typical approach was sort of like playing through a wah wah that's stuck in one position. The notes are there, but they come through this tight filter that emphasizes certain tones and deemphasizes others. 'Good' singers manipulate their vocal cavities to change the resonant qualities to better complement the melody. 'Bad' singers like Dylan's whiney voice (and me) don't tend to do that, just sort of shoving the melody out through a more or less unchanging resonance filter. (And, of course, when Dylan tried to sing in a more traditionally 'good' manner, the results were the sort of oddly self-conscious/cornball Self-Portrait era vocals.)

[LCK]

---

Uh_Me wrote:

This a rough draft recording. The lyrics were written a few hours ago and I threw the track together in about one. That's why it sounds so sloppy. Also I'm actually doing vocals and I am a terrible f***ing singer. And it doesn't help that I was trying to stay quiet which seemed to effectively **** up that last verse because I tried to go higher. I'm pretty sure I could hit the note, it would just have been louder. So yeah, none of it is finished really, but so far, what do you guys think? Any tips or ideas?

---

There's something potentially cool here. The lyric is very interesting.

I would just advise you to pay a little closer attention to prosody -- the way the words sound when spoken as to how you sing them. You're sometimes putting the em-pha-sis on the wrong syl-la-ble (as opposed to putting the em-pha-sis on the right syl-la-ble).

[Uh_Me]

@Lee Knight

I had thought about doing a chorus. But had opted out because I couldn't think of anything. But the comment about my squeaking chair gave me an idea. So thanks lol. And believe me, I am talking about a very particular person, but I see what you mean. Give it something that will connect the thoughts into a coherent picture. Also the title came from my internal description of this person, but in retrospect that doesn't really fit the song as of yet lol. 

@blue2blue

As for the forseeable future, nobody else will be singing it. The singer in my band won't sing lyrics that are too fast paced. :/ So I'm all I have for this one.  Any tips on what to do to emphasize/build on the melody? Or are you saying my delivery itself was off (which it was, way off in the end)?

I plan to put a little more time into my next take, because like I said, it was a really rough take just to get my idea out. I plan to actually expand on the intro just a little and add a chorus. 

Thanks for the input so far, everyone.