Songwriting Workshop

[rsadasiv]

I tried to channel my inner Rhino on the music.

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12153518

V1
I was born a strong mountain
Time has been a strong rain
I'm still standing but if I fell down
I couldn't get up here again

V2
Hacked with picks and drilled with mines
They suck on my blood like wine
Seasons turn while the west wind blows
I've grown so incredibly old

C1
I'm the man in the mountain, baby
It's the job I was born to do
Atlas never knew why he was there
But for me, I do it for you

V3
Shoulders slumped on a back that's cracked
A rock slide paralyzed my face
Each year a little more comes off the top
Crags crumble and fall out of place

V4
Down below I see the fertile plain
Where you plant and harvest your grain
I did that, I built it, I made it for you
Because that is the job I was born to do

C2
I'm the man in the mountain, baby
It's the job I was born to do
Atlas never knew why he was there
But for me, I do it for you

[Oswlek]

Nice.  You'll have to work on enunciating when tracking it because I wouldn't have understood a word if it weren't for the text.  I also wish you had taken Ryan's advice about changing the line to "I'm the man, I'm the mountain, baby".  I think that says so much more, and more precisely than how it is now.

One other thing, it sounds like the guitar does something really cool in the chorus, but I couldn't quite make it out.  I wish I had because I have a feeling like if that were more prominent, it would have given the chorus a little more separation from the verse.

[Lee Knight]

I love what this is going for but... for me, there are a couple of issues that are holding it back from it really connecting. The imagery is top notch and I absolutely love the words... but first off, and you are truly a top notch poet, I'm confused by the rhyme scheme.

As a writer I'm confused, but as a listener, I am as well. There doesn't seem to be a pattern that brings a sense of rhythm to the overall structure of the tune. I'm probably missing it big time I don't doubt, but still... it feels like what you have here currently for rhyme, is not doing the listeners any favors.

Then, for me again, and I may feel very differently after a few listens, the melody you're working feels like it is pulling away from the natural cadence of your lyric. Your lyric, on paper, has a rhythm that really pulls me in. The melody actually contradicts that inherent cadence you so expertly put down in black and white.

note the 2nd line of each verse. But it extends to the lyric/music marriage throughout. For me.

I would drive around reciting your poem until a melody emerges naturally from it. Right now they feel at odds with one another.  I really like the words of this and remember you working it out earlier and love it them too. I may very well be wrong but I'm not hearing it. Yet.

[rsadasiv]

---

Lee Knight wrote:

[snip]

I'm not hearing it.

---

 File under FLAI. Back to my Brandy Alexanders...

[Lee Knight]

FLA?

I'm not trying to put the kibosh on it, rather, I think the "fixes" (if you find you're going there) are very intuitive and waiting for you.

[rsadasiv]

---

Lee Knight wrote:

FLA?

I'm not trying to put the kibosh on it, rather, I think the "fixes" (if you find you're going there) are very intuitive and waiting for you.

---

FLAI - when you fail so bad you can't even spell it.

In other news: as part of the Anderton hiring package, Gibson promises to stop making sucky guitars.

[Oswlek]

No FLAI, just not quite in synch.  Whatever you do, don't drop it.

[Lee Knight]

---

rsadasiv wrote:

---

Lee Knight wrote:

FLA?

I'm not trying to put the kibosh on it, rather, I think the "fixes" (if you find you're going there) are very intuitive and waiting for you.

---

FLAI - when you fail so bad you can't even spell it.

In other news: as part of the Anderton hiring package, Gibson promises to stop making sucky guitars.

---

That's hilarious. Both of those ^

Don't give up on that lyric. It's all in there. The cadence is already happening. IT's almost as if, no... not almost... you can just assign notes to that inherent rhythm. Put your time there. Don't deny its inherent cadence.

[LCK]

Great words, good tune. They don't quite seem to mesh yet though.

Also some very tiny suggestions...

V1
I was born a strong mountain
Time has been a strong rain
I'm still standing but if I fell down
I couldn't get up here again

V2
Hacked with picks and drilled with mines
They suck on my blood like wine (?? Blood & wine don't seem to go with picks and mines ??)
Seasons turn and the west wind's cold
I've grown so incredibly old

C1
I'm the man in the mountain, baby
It's the job I was born to do
Atlas never knew why he was there
But for me, I do it for you

V3
Shoulders slumped on a back that's cracked
A rock slide paralyzed my face
Each year a little some more comes off the top (the other feels rushed)
Crags crumble, falling out of place (this seems to fit the rhythm better)

V4
Down below I see the fertile plain
Where you plant and harvest your grain
I did that, I built it, I made it for you
Because that's the job I was born to do

C2
I'm the man in the mountain, baby
It's the job I was born to do
Atlas never knew why he was there
But for me, I do it for you

Very nice overall, but a little sketchy in spots.

[LCK]

Also, it feels like the verses should be AABB rather than going back and forth between that and ABAB.