Songwriting Workshop

[Lee Knight]

Spurred on by Blue's way cool new tune, and Justine O's idea of a Feb challenge based around the thread about it being dead in here... here's my 1st draft. Ideas, slams, comments, non sequitors all welcomed and encouraged.

Kick and fingersanps for drums. Upright bass, guitar, upright piano. You get the idea. Lee Waits.

Updating here as I go:

V1

It's dead in here

The walls are painted dark blood red in here

All that's left are echoes, of the things we said

Yeah it's dead in here, it's dead

V2

It's dead in here

They've all gone to bed and we're

Left clinging to a shadow, as it slowly disappears

Yeah it's dead in here, brother, that much is clear

B

Shards of green glass bottles on the floor collecting dust

The broom hides in the closet with a water tank of rust

The daytime staff is history, all accounts are bust

And all because... ah-ah-all because...

V3

It's dead in here

It's really going to happen for real this year

No more tragically pretty faces peeking through a smoke veneer

No more being put through the paces as we kick back our beer

No more lying through our teeth trying to get her out of here

And up to your room instead

Yeah it's dead in here

Let's get outta here

It's dead in here

It's dead

Original draft:

V1

It's dead in here

The walls are painted in blood red in here

Only good thing left are the echoes of the things we said

Yeah it's dead in here, it's dead

V2

It's dead in here

They've all gone to bed and we're

Left clinging on to a shadow as it slowly disappears

Yeah it's dead in here, brother, that much is clear

B

Shards of green glass bottles on the floor collecting dust

The broom is in the closet against a water tank of rust

The daytime staff is history, all accounts are bust

And all because... ah-ah-all because...

V3

It's dead in here

It's really going to happen for real this year

No more tragically pretty faces peeking through a smoke veneer

No more being put through the paces as we kick back our beer

No more lying through our teeth trying to get her out of here

And up to our room instead

Yeah it's dead in here

Let's get outta here

It's dead in here

It's dead

[Oswlek]

Boss.  Really looking forward to hearing it.

[rsadasiv]

---

Oswlek wrote:

Boss.  Really looking forward to hearing it.

---

Don't listen to Justine.

[blue2blue]

Great. I thought the blood red walls was too good to waste. I really like 1 and 2 and the first half of B. The second half feels like you're rushing to the rationale/explanation too quickly. I often get that feeling when I'm roughing out a song and feel like I'm forcing it. Which I've been feeling a lot under the RPM challenge. = )

It seems like something I might try to do... I'll be interested to see if you continue along with the pivot to the girl-that's-apparently-no-longer-there as the real heart of why the scene is dead for the protag. It's a formula, but folks love ritual and what is ritual but a formula folks have followed for so long they can't remember why.

[LCK]

---

Lee Knight wrote:

Spurred on by Blue's way cool new tune, and Justine O's idea of a Feb challenge based around the thread about it being dead in here... here's my 1st draft. Ideas, slams, comments, non sequitors all welcomed and encouraged.

Kick and fingersanps for drums. Upright bass, guitar, upright piano. You get the idea. Lee Waits.

V1

It's dead in here

The walls are painted dark blood red in here

All that's left are echoes of the things we said

Yeah it's dead in here, it's dead

V2

It's dead in here

They've all gone to bed and we're

swallowed by the shadows as our faces disappear

Yeah it's dead in here, brother, that much is clear

B

Green glass bottles on the bar collecting dust

The broom hides in the closet with a water tank of rust

The daytime staff is history, all accounts are bust

And all because... ah-ah-all because...

V3

It's dead in here

Seems that things are coming to a head this year

No more tragic, pretty faces seen through a smoke veneer

No more going through the paces, kickin' back our beer

Why try to charm the ladies, pretend to be sincere?

No one's got the bread

Besides, it's dead in here.

Yeah it's dead in here

It's dead in here

It's dead

---

Good stuff.

I felt that the lyric needed a tiny bit of de-clutterification. So I made some suggestions (in bold).

Your voice would sound fabulous with this kind of tune.

Try paring downt the lyric a bit. (Words in bold: necessary or not?)

[LCK]

This line stuck out a bit, as it were just filler.

"Seems that things are coming to a head this year..."

If things are coming to a head it doesn't quite gibe with the idea that things are dead.

Maybe:

"Seems that things won't be coming to a head this year..."

[Lee Knight]

---

blue2blue wrote:

Great. I thought the blood red walls was too good to waste. I really like 1 and 2 and the first half of B. The second half feels like you're rushing to the rationale/explanation too quickly. I often get that feeling when I'm roughing out a song and feel like I'm forcing it. Which I've been feeling a lot under the RPM challenge. = )

It seems like something I might try to do... I'll be interested to see if you continue along with the pivot to the girl-that's-apparently-no-longer-there as the real heart of why the scene is dead for the protag. It's a formula, but folks love ritual and what is ritual but a formula folks have followed for so long they can't remember why.

---

Hmmm... "Rushing" to an explanation too quickly, at that point the tune has gone over the mountain and heading home. So "too quickly" might be more a case of it feeling wrong going there at all. That might be the issue. Maybe sticking with the glass and dust and rust and accumulated filth could be more on track. Daytime staff and accounts being out of character, though I do like the ending of the bridge turning around  from, "all because...

...it's dead in here". I think that's a cool turning point right there. Maybe I need to really look at line 3 from the bridge. Thank you sir!

Your other point, "girl-that's-apparently-no-longer-there as the real heart of why the scene is dead". I'm not clear if you're suggesting I might go there, or saying I have already. I hadn't intended to. The girls, plural, are not there, the old game of hunt is over, all because.... it's dead in here.

But, maybe suggesting the real source of his gloom is due to a girl is interesting. Still, that pulls it to a whole new neighborhood, one I might be best to visit from the start on another tune. Perhaps? 

[Lee Knight]

Lot's of good stuff to consider ^^^ there ^^^, LCK/Lee. I'll look closely at each point when I get a little breather here. Thanks...

[nat whilk II]

Great job - just needs some tweaking to taste.

I'm seeing a zombie Tom Waits singing this one

nat whilk ii

[LCK]

---

Lee Knight wrote:

Lot's of good stuff to consider ^^^ there ^^^, LCK/Lee. I'll look closely at each point when I get a little breather here. Thanks...

---

Sure thing.

For what it's worth I didn't feel you were rushing anything, storywise. Some of it just felt a little cluttered.

[Lee Knight]

Is it unclear that these 3 lines all tie into together and are about the game of the pickup? "Put through our paces" meaning he is mourning the passing of the challenge? That, in essence, his youth is fading, along with the attendance at that bar?

No more tragically pretty faces peeking through a smoke veneer

No more being put through the paces as we kick back our beer

No more lying through our teeth trying to get her out of here

[Oswlek]

Personally, I think trying to be too specific about the death's catalyst detracts from the impact rather than enhances it.  I prefer it to be simply a collage of imagery of the aftermath.

[Lee Knight]

---

Oswlek wrote:

Personally, I think trying to be too specific about the death's catalyst detracts from the impact rather than enhances it.  I prefer it to be simply a collage of imagery of the aftermath.

---

What parts are those specifically... the lines about the pickup or the broom, accounts, dust rust?

[bee3]

Nice.

t's dead in here

They've all gone to rest and we're

Left clinging on to a shadow as it slowly disappears

Yeah it's dead in here, brother, that much is clear

[Lee Knight]

---

LCK wrote:

---

Lee Knight wrote:

Spurred on by Blue's way cool new tune, and Justine O's idea of a Feb challenge based around the thread about it being dead in here... here's my 1st draft. Ideas, slams, comments, non sequitors all welcomed and encouraged.

Kick and fingersanps for drums. Upright bass, guitar, upright piano. You get the idea. Lee Waits.

V1

It's dead in here

The walls are painted dark blood red in here

All that's left are echoes of the things we said

Yeah it's dead in here, it's dead

V2

It's dead in here

They've all gone to bed and we're

swallowed by the shadows as our faces disappear

Yeah it's dead in here, brother, that much is clear

B

Green glass bottles on the bar collecting dust

The broom hides in the closet with a water tank of rust

The daytime staff is history, all accounts are bust

And all because... ah-ah-all because...

V3

It's dead in here

Seems that things are coming to a head this year

No more tragic, pretty faces seen through a smoke veneer

No more going through the paces, kickin' back our beer

Why try to charm the ladies, pretend to be sincere?

No one's got the bread

Besides, it's dead in here.

Yeah it's dead in here

It's dead in here

It's dead

---

Good stuff.

I felt that the lyric needed a tiny bit of de-clutterification. So I made some suggestions (in bold).

Your voice would sound fabulous with this kind of tune.

Try paring downt the lyric a bit. (Words in bold: necessary or not?)

---

I'm liking 75% of that for the melody I've got in my head. I'll appropriate your... uh... I mean... update the OP shortly. Thanks.

[LCK]

---

Lee Knight wrote:

---

I'm liking 75% of that for the melody I've got in my head. I'll appropriate your... uh... I mean... update the OP shortly. Thanks.

---

Appropriate away. That's what we're here for.

[Oswlek]

---

Lee Knight wrote:

---

Oswlek wrote:

Personally, I think trying to be too specific about the death's catalyst detracts from the impact rather than enhances it.  I prefer it to be simply a collage of imagery of the aftermath.

---

What parts are those specifically... the lines about the pickup or the broom, accounts, dust rust?

---

Sorry.  Unclear.

I was really refering to what I thought I was reading between you and Blue.  My comment was a response that I prefer your original where the cause is absent.

[Lee Knight]

Possible alternate or additional verse:

It's dead in here

The little corner stage has all been cleared

The drumkit and piano, never left a mark

It's dead in here, man, it's dark

[Lee Knight]

I really should have stepped out of the office today and documented the melody I had in my head while writng this today but I was buried. So, I did my best to remember... still working on it for sure. Input?

[LCK]

Love it! The vibe is terrific.