Wow, this is wild. Cool wild. It hits more than it misses for me, but there are a few sizable misses that are easy fixes in my book. This, as always, is take it or leave. Ideas and reactions are free. I can't help myself. 
Here's what I'd do...
I'd stay with the boy. It's too much of that shopping list feel. We get that these are two scenarios that point to the chorus, but... and we all do this, when a song jumps from scenario to scenario, from character to character, it isn't as clever as we hope. Stay with the boy. I personally loved the clicky cluck line but I'd boot the word gossip and try something like whispering behind their hands, etc. or... they cheer on the bully boys. That's evil.
Then... this is a big one, I'd drop the insane angle. What?!?!?! I actually think the song's called...
People Don't Care
People don’t care how they hurt you
They get their kicks from giving you pain
They'll take your self worth and desert you
you'll never be the same
People don't care!
People don't care!
The jump to "insane" is a stretch. The music implying he's being driven insane is genius! He's losing it at the hands of cruel bastards. The world and all its residents is cruel. I love it, we all feel that from time to time. This boy's growing up with it sadly. But "insane", the word, quantifies it too much.
People don't care! They're selfish, mean dicks!!!!!!!! All to that music? I think that nails the point nicely
I'm not crazy about "self worth". It's too clinical and sounds a bit pop psychology. Something along the lines of They'll take what's left of you and desert you". Something more visceral and mean. Rip your heart right out of your chest. Anyhoo...
I really love where you're going with this. The music is whack, Jack. Very cool.
Monkey, Oswlek, Lee, LCK,
Thanks fellows.
Based on your comments, I *finally* “got it” about the change in storys from verse 1 to verse 2. I had done that on a different song recently as well, and at that time, I did not understand why it was an issue. But the light bulb went on now. Thank you.
So Jeanne and I are looking at expanding the story on one of the characters and dropping the 2nd one, although, we are leaning to the one about the girl with sexual abuse over the bullied kid. And there will be many changes to the wording. Thank you for the suggestions, like LCK’s “speak-sing” comment and revising gossip.
Oswlek – good point, “Desert” becomes “Berate”.
Lee’s suggestion about going straight for “people don’t care” throughout he chorus was enlightening, and Jeanne agrees with this suggestion instead of the overt use of “insane”. So we are looking at that. Note that with a theme of sexual abuse, I wanted the chorus to echo the profound impact that that has on a person, almost driving some insane. But I do think the chorus can be stronger without the direct use of it. Sort of “less is more”. Thank you Lee.
Monkey I actually had “she” reference to God in an earlier version throughout the bridge. Jeanne suggested a balance by mixing “he” in. And I thought by mixing “he” and “she” it might add to the drama of the bridge. And I think it does. It is ever so mildly annoying, eh?
Monkey – thanks for the comments on the guitar solo. In the version you heard , I did not have the 2nd half of the solo. The guitar solo is my electric guitar, mega distorted. Now, I have added in the left channel an associated single violin melody that in some ways runs counter to the guitar. The thinking, probably only in my mind, is that the pure violin represents the innocence of the child and the counter distorted guitar is the child after abuse and as he or she grows up. The music has somehow changed in the heart because of the abuse. There is a profound loss.
Oswlek your idea about dropping line 4 from each verse. I created an mp3 and then snipped out line 4. So here is a 1 min demo of that. I LIKE the annoyance that it creates. The wholesome and balanced 4 line verses don’t have that. And in this song that’s a plus. But I am not sure it doesn’t come across too rough… like a mistake. What do you think? Here is the mp3.
LCK – Thanks for your comments. Jeanne and I are working most songs together, except the song I created to propose to her! Sometimes she is writing the lyrics and I edit, other times visa versa. What you see above was primarily me at this point, although the next version will be 80% Jeanne lyric wise. So it is perfect appropriate to comment on the lyrics for any song I post. Jeanne does view comments on the board and may choose to post at some point. She is registered on the board.
And thank you LCK on your praise about the bass. I LOVE my Hofner bass. It just begs to be played like that. I never knew an instrument could tell me how it wants to be played but that Hofner does.
Thank you all!!!
My life has been crazy-good lately. Getting my house ready for sale. Moving to Florida Yeah! I will try to comment more on the songs.
Rick
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