Songwriting Workshop

[Adacto]

Hi. I haven't posted here before, but I recently finished a track and wondered if anyone fancied a listen? http://soundcloud.com/adacto/on-the-ground-premixmp3 Critique welcome Thank you Jon Edit ok I did post in 2006 haha

[LCK]

Hi. I haven't posted here before, but I recently finished a track and wondered if anyone fancied a listen? http://soundcloud.com/adacto/on-the-ground-premixmp3 Critique welcome Thank you Jon

Very compelling track. Can you provide the lyric? It's hard to make out what's being sung in some spots. LCK

[Adacto]

Haha - no problem! Thanks for the kind words. The lyrics: I am resting on the ground They are thinking I am sleeping now (there's no world around this space) Closed eyes let through specks of light This is how I now envisage you (you can never escape light) Seems so easy now I try Try to be creative just for you (but you sound so insecure) This sound seems to work for me Stops and starts and whispers in your ear (I am resting on the ground) I was always looking for some instant source of innovation No-one does this any more than me Making up for being out of touch with my own generation Don't you think that we should split the scene? That's pretty much it, lyrics are kind of ambiguous! Thanks again for taking time to comment, really appreciate it. I'll do something about the 'vocal inteligibility' Jon

[LCK]

That's pretty much it, lyrics are kind of ambiguous!

Yes, they are. There are places, though, where I think they're a bit strained. For example: This is how I now envisage you (you can never escape light) Seems so easy now I try Try to be creative just for you (but you sound so insecure) To me the word "envisage" is too overly artistic and arty, like you're trying too hard, which is reinforced by the next two lines where you're talking about how hard you're trying to be creative. That's a "tell," man! Don't let the audience see behind the curtain! So what I would do is find another way to talk about how you picture this person. Maybe say just that: This is how I always picture you (you can never escape light) Then I would change the stuff about how you're trying to be creative. Other than that, I think the lyric is pretty good overall. LCK

[blue2blue]

I love the musical vibe once things get rolling. The rhythmic insistence under the intricate and floating vocals is a wonderful contrast. There's an early 80s vibe of distracted alienation, which works well with the almost Pink Floyd-like vocals. The lyrics are, indeed, a bit open ended, but that, for me, works well here, the music is certainly a big part of the message. I think, overall, this is a pretty fine effort. I think a lot of folks would like it just as it is. (And a little subtle editing like removing the exposed guitar amp noise at the end and beginning could preserve the street-cred lo fi vibe without being heavy handed about it. But, of course, that's not really a songwriting issue.) Good job! :thu: BTW, I'm the forum mod, if you have any questions or problems, please feel free to ask. Also, if you haven't already, take a look at the very first post in the Resources/Guidelines sticky thread (at/near the top of the SW forum listings), which lays out the few, but important rules we have here. PS... LCK has some good points there, I think. While I like the song as it is, I think it's good to explore potential improvements. Envisage, in particular,may be one of those words that doesn't make it across the Atlantic all that well. I know it's a little more common in UK writing (not as certain about everyday speech) than it is in the US. Even so, it does kind of scream Thesaurus to these ears. Maybe not a a deal breaker, but something to roll around. Perhaps something to keep in mind for future works. (I'd hate to see you have to tear apart all those nice vocals... of course, that's why it can be helpful to get feedback on an early version. A lot of us will put up phone or hand-held recordings early in the game before we get invested in the song's current state.)

[Adacto]

Thanks guys! That's a fair point about the word 'envisage'... I was a little uncertain about it, it maybe screams pretension a little bit. I am a producer first and foremost so I guess my linguistic skills can take a little improvement! LCK I love that phrase Don't let the audience see behind the curtain! Blue2blue, thanks for the kind words. I was intending to produce an album's worth of stuff this year, so it's nice to get positive feedback on my first attempt. Interesting comparison to pink floyd... that's huge praise as far as I'm concerned! The guitar amp noise at the end is deliberate... it's actually a lo-fi turntable simulation though. I think it works better at the start than at the end. I think the vocals need a tweak, maybe Autotune might not hurt here and there. Singing is not my forte. Thanks again. I really appreciate it, hopefully I can help some other forum members out in the future. Jon

[blue2blue]

I thought the singing worked pretty well overall. Unless you're good at tuning or can simply bump a whole phrase up or down a bit and make it work, tuning can be a rabbit hole. (Before even experimenting, make sure you keep a copy of the project pre-tuning.) I've heard some otherwise pretty decent vocals ruined by tuning artifacts sticking out like sore thumbs.

[IllinoisJack]

This was a nice piece of work. Dating myself here - it reminded me of EARLY Genesis - when they still had Peter Gabriel - Good job on the music. I can't do that. The melody works in context but I have to say I read the lyrics 4 or 5 times and still have no idea what your trying to say. I could say the song sounded great, but I couldn't tell you what it was about if you held a gun to my head - but hell, what do I know.

[Adacto]

^ that is brilliant feedback, thanks so much! :facepalm: bot-tastic

IllinoisJack, thanks for the comments. Peter Gabriel is alright in my books, I may have to seek out some early genesis to make a comparison. Showing MY age now haha.

Jon