03-26-2013 01:35 AM - edited 03-26-2013 01:51 AM
Sorry - don't mean to flood the board. I will be going silent running very soon for 2 months - moving from Maine to Florida...
All comments welcome
This is a bit of a personal song, so there are some personal sound effects at the start and end. But i would still like to create the best personal song as i can.
By the way - this is me HAPPY.
(c)2013 Rick Dieffenbach
V1: I remember when I was a boy in my high school
Was in a band and my buddies and I were cool
We couldn’t play, but had plenty to say
And It didn’t matter anyway
My buddies were my friends way back in high school
V2: We practiced in the garden barn at night
It didn’t matter if the notes we played were right
We didn’t care, we didn’t know
We didn’t think where life would go
Or that the day could be followed on by night
We always thought we would remain the friends we were
We always thought that we would be the rising star
But sometimes life takes you very far away
V3: Jimmy was a drummer in our little rock ‘n roll band
He would hit those skins like they had been very bad
He kept our beat and smiled on his seat
The friendliest kid you would ever meet
I remember Jimmy when he was a fine young man
As innocence fades away,
a little more
Day by day
You got to go
My best friend Wayne could sing a song
(and) we all knew he wouldn’t hang in this town too long
The doctor is in, I say with a grin
But I knew him when long hair was in
Dear friend Wayne I hope you are rock’en on
03-26-2013 04:20 AM - edited 03-26-2013 04:22 AM
I love it melodically. There are a number of places where it feels too wordy, for instance:
My buddies We were my friends way back in high school
Jimmy was the drummer in our little rock
‘n roll band
I'm not 100% convinced the chorus is as strong lyrically as it is melodically. I'll try to get a more detailed review up in a little while.
03-26-2013 05:46 AM
Nice tune. Very nice. Nice vocal too, Rick!
The lyric needs a bit more work though. There's a prosody problem with the way you sing high school in the first line: high SCHOOL. It sounds more natural to say HIGH school. Plus saying things like "my buddies were my best friends" is kind of like saying "the blue sky was blue..."
The taped bits probably seemed like a good idea but I think they get in the way of the tune.
I would work on those issues because the song has got a lot of potential.
03-26-2013 05:52 AM
Hmmm... I was kind of waiting on a payoff, and I'm not sure the reveal of your friend being a doctor is quite enough.
Musically, it's pretty cool... although the sound effects are distracting me.
03-26-2013 06:24 AM
How about something like this? (the last line may need work!)
My best friend Wayne,oh man could he sing
In all our eyes that dude was "the king"
He's a doctor now and a hell of a guy
He always said "rock n roll wouldnt die"
Dear friend Wayne I know you're still doin your thing.
Id also consider doubling the choruses up, maybe on the second one (they are proper ace melodically and seem to go to fast)
It may mean cutting a verse or something?
03-26-2013 08:11 AM
03-27-2013 04:04 AM
I just wanted to say that I am very much interested in improvements to this song.
I took out the middle sound effect and moved the end effect to outside the song.
I will be rerecording the vocals once have reworked lyrics.
Also: there is something wrong with my account. I have contacted blue. I set my password, then it forgets me, then i reset it, then it forgets me, etc etc. It makes it difficult to post.
03-27-2013 07:44 AM - edited 03-27-2013 07:47 AM
I think a song like this needs a fresh angle from where you tell the story. Here are two cool examples that I love. The first is from the perspective of remembering a battle of the bands she played in as a kid and got too high "accidentally". It's warm and charming. The 2nd is about the details that say it all. And there's a nice moral at the end as well. Rick, I like your tune but I think it needs a perspective is all...
Cinnamon Park - Jill Sobule
Me and Betty Shelly were at Cinnamon Park
Waiting for the battle of the bands
Betty's older brother had a bad reputation
And a waterbed in his van
He said hey Jilly Sue I've got something for you
Something that will blow your mind
We hopped into his van
And he opened his hand
And said it's only mother nature
Cinnamon park in a cinnamon daze
We were so freaked out
But in a really good way
In a really good way
Yeah those were the days
I wish I could go back again
Billy had a talk box and a Peavey bass
Started feeling funny when they hit the stage
Betty was getting so shitfaced
And I could not stop laughing
As I spun all around and I laid on the ground
I was amazed at how the clouds just kept moving
And they played the same song
And they played the chords wrong
But I never heard it better
Betty's now in counseling
And she's using again
Her brother's unemployed but with a brand new van
Billy came in second in the battle of the bands
Wish we could go back again
KISS Alive II - Mike Viola/Candy Butchers
03-27-2013 08:52 AM
Lee Knight wrote:
I think a song like this needs a fresh angle from where you tell the story.
Good point. The tune is so good, and the feeling you give the listener is good too. Just give us a little more than fading Polaroids of guys with sideburns & flannel shirts (or whatever)...
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