Songwriting Workshop

[Oswlek]

Edit:  I posted a vid with a better recording with a touch of mixing (delay, reverb)

OK, here you go, have at it.  I'm not sure if there is anything really here, but it was fun and I find it strangely compelling for something with no obvious hook.

http://picosong.com/nyxi

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It's dead... dead in here

It's dead.... dead in here

This used to be a place of hope

Where inspiration flowed

It used to be.....

But now I see

It's dead in here

It's dead... dead in here

Scattered papers in the dust

Old footprints are all that's left of us

The curtain's drawn....

Our haven's gone

It's dead...  dead in here

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On another thread, Blue misread "haven" as "raven" and I'm seriously considering changing it.  I'm also nearly certain I'm misuing the curtain imagery, any ideas to correct?  All other suggestions are welcome, of course.  Encouraged, even (cue Snagglepuss...)

[LCK]

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Oswlek wrote:

It's dead... dead in here
It's dead.... dead in here
 
This used to be a place of hope
Where inspiration flowed
It used to be.....
But now I see
 
It's dead in here
It's dead... dead in here
 
Scattered papers in the dust
Old footprints are all that's left of us
The curtain's drawn....
Our haven's gone
 
It's dead...  dead in here

---

Very nice. Great guitar work, really nice melody. The lyric is really good too.

I only felt there was one section (in bold) that I felt needed a little more work, but I don't know if you'll agree.

[Lee Knight]

I love it as is. Really, really cool. Pretty freaking depressing...  but honest and true. And if it's honest, and it is... well, so be it. Really very well done.

[Oswlek]

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LCK wrote:

---

Oswlek wrote:

It's dead... dead in here
It's dead.... dead in here
 
This used to be a place of hope
Where inspiration flowed
It used to be.....
But now I see
 
It's dead in here
It's dead... dead in here
 
Scattered papers in the dust
Old footprints are all that's left of us
The curtain's drawn....
Our haven's gone
 
It's dead...  dead in here

---

Very nice. Great guitar work, really nice melody. The lyric is really good too.

I only felt there was one section (in bold) that I felt needed a little more work, but I don't know if you'll agree.

---

Thanks, Lee.

I'm not attached to anything if you have some ideas.  What is it about the lines that you don't like?  The off-kilter rhyme?  Too bland?

[Oswlek]

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Lee Knight wrote:

I love it as is. Really, really cool. Pretty freaking depressing...  but honest and true. And if it's honest, and it is... well, so be it. Really very well done.

---

Come on, Leek, did you expect anything else from me? 

If I take this one further, I'm thinking of building it into a spacey Radiohead style tune, like this one.

Perhaps that will rub a bit of the melodrama off and make it less depressing.

[LCK]

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Oswlek wrote:

What is it about the lines that you don't like?  The off-kilter rhyme?  Too bland?

---

Yeah, the lack of a real rhyme was one thing. Personally, I don't think you need a rhyme there at all.

Another was that I think the first line -- "this used to be a place of hope" -- could be punched up a bit.

I like "where inspiration flowed" though.

[Oswlek]

---

LCK wrote:

---

Oswlek wrote:

What is it about the lines that you don't like?  The off-kilter rhyme?  Too bland?

---

Yeah, the lack of a real rhyme was one thing. Personally, I don't think you need a rhyme there at all.

Another was that I think the first line -- "this used to be a place of hope" -- could be punched up a bit.

I like "where inspiration flowed" though.

---

So it is mostly the first line, then? 

I'm not married to "place of hope" at all, but I do like how "used to be" opens the stanza and then repeats in line three.  If you have any suggestions to replace "place of hope" I'm all ears.

[LCK]

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Oswlek wrote:

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I'm not married to "place of hope" at all, but I do like how "used to be" opens the stanza and then repeats in line three.  If you have any suggestions to replace "place of hope" I'm all ears.

---

I like the way that line opens both stanzas too.

If I think of something else, I'll let you know.

[rsadasiv]

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Lee Knight wrote:

I love it as is. Really, really cool. Pretty freaking depressing...  but honest and true. And if it's honest, and it is... well, so be it. Really very well done.

---

+1. The Radiohead idea is an interesting angle.

[Monkey Uncle]

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Oswlek wrote:

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LCK wrote:

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Oswlek wrote:

What is it about the lines that you don't like?  The off-kilter rhyme?  Too bland?

---

Yeah, the lack of a real rhyme was one thing. Personally, I don't think you need a rhyme there at all.

Another was that I think the first line -- "this used to be a place of hope" -- could be punched up a bit.

I like "where inspiration flowed" though.

---

So it is mostly the first line, then? 

I'm not married to "place of hope" at all, but I do like how "used to be" opens the stanza and then repeats in line three.  If you have any suggestions to replace "place of hope" I'm all ears.

---

This used to be the place to go

Kind of generic and bland, but at least it's a little closer to rhyming.

[rhino55]

Maybe?

This used to be a place hope glowed 

Where inspiration flowed

[Oswlek]

Thanks for the suggestions, guys.  For now, I think I'll keep it intact, which surprises the hell out of me.  When I posted it, I thought I was putting an idea out there to tear to shreds and rebuild, but it has grown on me.

[Lee Knight]

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Oswlek wrote:

Thanks for the suggestions, guys.  For now, I think I'll keep it intact, which surprises the hell out of me.  When I posted it, I thought I was putting an idea out there to tear to shreds and rebuild, but it has grown on me.

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Personally, I agree with your choice. The false rhyme works perfectly for me. I could try to analyze why but all I can say right now is that a true rhyme at this point, at that spot in the song, feels almost contrived compared to what you have originally. For me...

[Oswlek]

I recorded a properly mic'ed version and treated it with some choice delay and a smidge of reverb.  I know I talked about redioheadifying this one, but I think I like it as is.

[LCK]

Lovely. I really like the guitar.

[Oswlek]

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LCK wrote:

Lovely. I really like the guitar.

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Thank you, Lee.  It seems that you and I are holding down the fort lately, with some help from Monkey on the overnight shift.

[bee3]

Nicely done.  I don't know... it's fine as is... but if you could work it up like you did with Unbury Yourself, that might make it awesome.

[Oswlek]

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bee3 wrote:

Nicely done.  I don't know... it's fine as is... but if you could work it up like you did with Unbury Yourself, that might make it awesome.

---

I'll see what I can do, but Unburies don't come around every day. 

[Monkey Uncle]

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Oswlek wrote:

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LCK wrote:

Lovely. I really like the guitar.

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Thank you, Lee.  It seems that you and I are holding down the fort lately, with some help from Monkey on the overnight shift.

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And you seem to be holding down the demo-posting end of things, with a little help from LCK and Bee3.  It seems the rest of us are struggling with writer's block (I know I am).

The song sounds good as it is.  I know you probably could do more with the arrangement and production, but I think the 1+1 arrangement works perfectly well.

[Lee Knight]

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Oswlek wrote:

I recorded a properly mic'ed version and treated it with some choice delay and a smidge of reverb.  I know I talked about redioheadifying this one, but I think I like it as is.

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And I love it even more now. That's really good.

_____

Caution - Detour Ahead:

When I listen to music, I have a sort of involuntary compass when it comes to chord theory. Listening to Mozart on the way in, I was half thinking, "Wow, he's toggling between the IV and I just setting up the V  to suggest the home key but he... no! goes to another new key.

Like I said, I don't always articulate it mentally, but it's there. Certainly with pop music where the job is a hell of a lot easier, I always know where we are with regards to tonality. For the most part.

Whew.

Not so with you. And this music in particular. I'm sincere, I have no idea where you are with regards to key center... or the melody in relation to that key center... let alone where you might be venturing off to tonality wise. I'm lost. And I love it.

Joni Mitchell does that to me. Lot's of jazz compositions do that to me of course. But pop or classical music? I usually know where I am. I love what you've done with this song. Really sad and beautiful.