Songwriting Workshop

[bee3]

Here's a new one... just the start of it. Not sure where it's going yet... it's a half-baked idea at this point.

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12087268

Beauty Crown

She refused the beauty crown
Dropped her flowers, ripped her gown
Left alone and then she headed into town

She feels better with a drink
Helps her when she doesn't think
It's so tragic that her life is on the brink

Her father never loved her, nor did her mother
In fact they never really cared for one another
So their little girl is the one who has to suffer
And find her way alone in the world

[rhino55]

great start

Some questions to help you hone in the story

Why was she in the pageant if she was just going to refuse the beauty crown?
Did something maybe happen along the way that made her change her mind?
Are you sure her mother and father never loved her or did she just not feel it?

[bee3]

In my head, I was thinking it was more of a homecoming queen kind of thing... she didn't really have a choice. May have to adjust that.

Unsure of the mother/father love thing yet. How can a mother and father not love their kid? Maybe I'll go with her not feeling it... I have to believe there is some humanity left in this world.

[Lee Knight]

Love It ^^^^^^^^^^^^

She refused to take the news sitting down
Till, in tears, her knees fell to the ground
Sometimes life passes without a sound
There was no use trying to talk her down
Nothing to cling to... not even... a Beauty Crown

[bee3]

^Nice ideas there LK. Keep em coming.

[rhino55]

What does it mean when the homecoming queen can only think of when she can leave

[bee3]

Originally Posted by rhino55

What does it mean when the homecoming queen can only think of when she can leave

That's pretty awkwardly worded! I'm not sure what you mean if you're directing it to me.

[rhino55]

Originally Posted by bee3

That's pretty awkwardly worded! I'm not sure what you mean if you're directing it to me.

lol... nope. There is a lyric in here somewhere.

As she left she screamed
you tell me what it means
when the homecoming queen's
only hope is to leave

[Lee Knight]

Originally Posted by rhino55

lol... nope. There is a lyric in here somewhere.

As she left she screamed
you tell me what it means
when the homecoming queen's
only hope is to leave

I "saw" the idea you posted. Nice "test" execution as well.

[LCK]

Originally Posted by bee3

Here's a new one... just the start of it. Not sure where it's going yet... it's a half-baked idea at this point.

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12087268

Beauty Crown

She refused the beauty crown
Dropped her flowers, ripped her gown
Left alone and then she headed into town

She feels better with a drink
Helps her when she doesn't think
It's so tragic that her life is on the brink

Her father never loved her, nor did her mother
In fact they never really cared for one another
So their little girl is the one who has to suffer
And find her way alone in the world

I really like this song so far. The verses could use a little touching up, not much more.

I'm not crazy about "her life is on the brink."

I was thinking maybe...

She refused the beauty crown
Dropped the flowers, ripped her gown
Left the stage and hit the nearest bar in town

She feels better when she drinks
Helps her cope, or so she thinks
If you asked her she would tell you that life stinks

Her father never loved her, nor did her mother
In fact they never really cared for one another
Left without a buffer she's the one who has to suffer
And find her way alone in the world

Just some ideas.

[bee3]

Originally Posted by LCK

I really like this song so far. The verses could use a little touching up, not much more.

I'm not crazy about "her life is on the brink."

I was thinking maybe...

She refused the beauty crown
Dropped the flowers, ripped her gown
Left the stage and hit the nearest bar in town

She feels better when she drinks
Helps her cope, or so she thinks
If you asked her she would tell you that life stinks

Her father never loved her, nor did her mother
In fact they never really cared for one another
Left without a buffer she's the one who has to suffer
And find her way alone in the world

Just some ideas.

Thanks! I'll definitely use some of that.

[oldgitplayer]

Justin - the way you are telling your story reminded me of Paul Simon's song.
Have a listen to the way he does it and also his commentary of the situation at the very end.
The overall structure may be of use to you.

What you've got musically thus far is great - I really like the descending riff at the end of the verses and how it ends in an unexpected and unresolved place.

[bee3]

^i love that song. He is just a superb songwriter.

[Monkey Uncle]

I really like your melody on this one. It's very fresh and interesting - unpredictable without being strange.

Lyrically, I think the two verses are great. I think your original words are better than LCK's suggestions, which drift a little too close to triteness for my taste (sorry, Lee). However, I think the third stanza (bridge?) is a little too much of a tell, and also too much of a well-worn story. I'd look for a way to make it a little less direct and a little more interesting.

[leftyaxeman]

Nice job man. Hope you don't mind a newbie commenting. I'm out of place on here anyway, a rocker on a singer/songwriter forum, but I really liked the vocal, also did you do the backing vocals also, because they sounded great. For some reason, to me, it sounds like something John Lennon could've written for Double Fantasy. Again great job.

[bee3]

^We need more rockers here. Welcome....

And thanks. I did the backing vox as well.

[leftyaxeman]

^Thanks for the welcome, keep up the great work.

[rsadasiv]

Bot bump for bee3.