Songwriting Workshop

[rsadasiv]

Hey Stephen

Don't stay cooped up in the house
Get outside once a day
It's ok to talk to strangers
But don't trust what they say
And if you're not comfortable
If your mind is going astray
Ask the little voice inside
Is this really insane?

And if it is, that's ok
Just say you have to go
Walk, don't run, and call my cell
When you get back home.
You've made lots of progress
I'm really proud of you
Take your meds and trust your friends
We're here to help you through.

Argh, here it comes again
I don't like the way this feels
Here it comes again
Here it comes
Here it comes

Why did you say that?
That's just insane.
Why did you do that?
That's just insane.
Why did you think that?
I'm going insane.

If you are, that's ok
Just say you have to go
Walk, don't run, and call my cell
When you get back home.
You've made lots of progress
I'm really proud of you
Take your meds and trust your friends
We're here to help you through.

[LCK]

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rsadasiv wrote:

Hey Stephen

Don't stay cooped up in the house

...

We're here to help you through.

---

I think you're on to something good here.

However, I think that when you set up three open-A rhymes in a row -- day, say, astray -- and then end that series on an A-sound followed by a consonant -- insane -- it's a bit jarring.

Maybe it's just the use of the word insane, which may be a bit too on-the-nose.

But again, it's nice work, an interesting topic told in a kind off off-center way.

[rhino55]

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LCK wrote:

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rsadasiv wrote:

Hey Stephen

Don't stay cooped up in the house

...

We're here to help you through.

---

I think you're on to something good here.

However, I think that when you set up three open-A rhymes in a row -- day, say, astray -- and then end that series on an A-sound followed by a consonant -- insane -- it's a bit jarring.

Maybe it's just the use of the word insane, which may be a bit too on-the-nose.

But again, it's nice work, an interesting topic told in a kind off off-center way.

---

I think it could work if you really streched out the A-sound.

[rsadasiv]

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rhino55 wrote:

---

LCK wrote:

---

rsadasiv wrote:

Hey Stephen

Don't stay cooped up in the house

...

We're here to help you through.

---

I think you're on to something good here.

However, I think that when you set up three open-A rhymes in a row -- day, say, astray -- and then end that series on an A-sound followed by a consonant -- insane -- it's a bit jarring.

Maybe it's just the use of the word insane, which may be a bit too on-the-nose.

But again, it's nice work, an interesting topic told in a kind off off-center way.

---

I think it could work if you really streched out the A-sound.

---

Yeah, A in sung english is quite forgiving.

[LCK]

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rhino55 wrote:

I think it could work if you really streched out the A-sound.

---

Yeah, a lot depends on how it sounds when sung. But I still wonder if it's wise to be so on-the-nose about the subject matter when everything else is more indirect.

[Lee Knight]

All I know is it's awesome and it really moved me. Really well done...

[oldgitplayer]

I think it's pretty cool - a bit like a song Suzanne Vega would write.

I have no problem with the use of the word 'insane'. As I see it Ram is using it in its colloquial usage, and then bringing it back again as a serious term. Works for me.

[rsadasiv]

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oldgitplayer wrote:

I think it's pretty cool - a bit like a song Suzanne Vega would write.

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Back in the solo acoustic coffeeshop days I used to do an open string drone arrangement of Luka.

[rickidoo]

Is there a link to the song?

[Oswlek]

I like it.  The very beginning of the chorus has a great flow to it and you can feel the lift even without music.  The "take your meds" line felt a little too on-the-nose for me, but otherwise it hit home.