01-01-2013 01:47 PM
01-01-2013 07:31 PM
01-19-2013 08:26 AM
01-24-2013 07:37 PM
01-25-2013 09:26 AM - edited 01-25-2013 09:27 AM
My wife demanded I go to the pharmacy and get some pills that would make me have a long lasting erection. I came home with a box of diet pills for her. :rimshot:
02-13-2013 09:38 PM - edited 02-13-2013 09:39 PM
What the Pope plans to do now that he resigned...
02-15-2013 11:55 AM
A commuter was trapped in gridlock traffic on the beltway around Washington DC when a gentleman on foot knocked at his window. He rolled the window down and asked "What's going on?"
The guy replies "It's terrible! A group of terrorists has kidnapped the entire U.S. congress and is holding them hostage for a ransom of 100 million dollars. They say if they don't get it, they'll douse the members of congress in gasoline and set them on fire."
"That is terrible!" agreed the driver. "What can we do?"
"We're collecting donations.", said the pedestrian, "Do you think you can help us out?"
"Well," said the driver, "on average, what are the other drivers giving?"
"About a gallon........"
04-09-2013 02:23 PM
An old farmer and his wife get into their rattle-trap pick-up truck and head for town. Just before getting to town, the farmer sees the town Sherriff behind him with his lights flashing, so he pulls over.
The Sheriff runs over to the truck and says "Jeb, didn't you notice that Maebelle fell out of the truck about a half mile back?!?!"
"Oh, thank god!" says Jeb, "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
04-22-2013 03:12 PM
05-13-2013 10:01 AM
At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. called out:
"Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my friggin' bike.
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my large screen LCD TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!!
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit an aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You'd better get your hearing aid checked - you're supposed to turn your clock back".
I was scammed out of $24.99. I ordered a Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes" online. It turns out it's about golf. At least I got free shipping...
The doctor asks the pregnant hooker, "So, do you know who the father is?" "For chis'sake," she replied indignantly, "if you ate a bowl of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome!
Paddy calls an airline to book a flight.
The agent asks, "How many people will be flying with you?"
Paddy replies "How the bloody hell would I be knowin' that?!?! S'yer fookin' plane!"
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