Acoustic Guitars

[Opa John]

Two yokels rented a rowboat to go out fishing at a local fishing lake. They got lucky and found a hot spot where the fish were biting like crazy.

The first yokel tells the second yokel that they should mark this spot some way so they could come back to the same place next time out. The second yokel agrees and grabs a big magic marker from his tackle box and draws a big "X" in the bottom of the boat.

The first yokel asked him why he did that. The second yokel says, "So we can find this same spot next time."

The first yokel says, "You must really be some kind of dumbass!! What makes you think that next time we'll even be able to rent the same boat?"

[Opa John]

A woman spends her last $5 on a rabbit at the butcher shop for her evening meal. As she leaves the store she slips and falls on the ice. The rabbit flies straight up into the air and comes back down on the sidewalk between her legs and bursts open.....blood flying everywhere. She was so despondent about it and the fact that she'd just spent her last $5 that she just sat there crying with the bloody mess on the concrete in front of her.

A little old drunk wanders by, feels sorry for the woman and goes over to comfort her saying, "Aw...don't cry missy. It woulda been an idiot anyway. Look at the ears on that sucker!"

[EdBega]

Clem goes to a lumberyard, he asks do you have 2x4s? The man says yes we do, how long do you need them? Clem says let me ask my boss. Clem comes back and says we need them for a long time we're building a house.

[Opa John]

Two Texans struck up a conversation while on a plane trip.

The first Texan says, "It takes me two days just to drive my truck around the perimeter of my ranch back in Texas."

The second Texan says, "Yeah. I used to have a truck like that."

[Opa John]

Young man to his date, "Do you smoke after sex?"

Young woman, "I don't know. I never looked."

[recordingtrack1]

Two morons go deer hunting and one of the shoots a large buck with a huge rack.  They start dragging it by its back legs and do this for a rather long time until they are worn out tired.  They sit down to rest.  Billy Bob says to Bubba, "Don't you think it would be easier if we dragged it by the antlers instead of the legs?"  Bubba agrees, "yeah that's a great idea, it's getting awful tangled up in the brush this way."

They start out again, this time dragging it by the antlers.  Bubba says to Billy Bob, "ya know, this works much better than the way we was doin' it before, but there's one thing that's botherin' me.....don't you think we're gettin' an awfully long way from the truck?"

[Opa John]

An older woman found herself sharing a lunch table with a young woman at a local cafeteria. After the young woman finished her lunch she lit up a cigarette and began smoking it.

Older woman says, "I think I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in a public cafeteria."

Young woman says, "Yeah. Me too, but I only get half an hour for lunch."

[Opa John]

Back during the old west days, Jesse James and his gang were robbing the people on a train.

He said, "Now listen up people. My name's Jesse James and this is my gang. We're gonna rob all the women and rape all the men."

A little old woman raised her hand and said, "Mr. James, don't you mean rob all the men and rape all of the women?"

A little guy next to the little old woman pipes up and says, "Shut up, bitch! Who's robbing this train anyway? You or Jesse?"

[EdBega]

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

[EdBega]

“I'd rather be rich than stupid.” 

[EdBega]

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend. 

[MDLMUSIC]

A Bakersfield couple is in direct court.

The judge says, "I have reviewed all the details and have decided to authorize this divorce."

The man turns to the woman and says, "But we can still be brother and sister, right?"

(I apologize to all the Bakersfielders for that one, but that's the way I heard it)

[Opa John]

Mickey Mouse took Minnie Mouse to court seeking a divorce.

The judge read Mickey's formal complaint and turned to Minnie saying, "Minnie. Mickey wants a divorce because he's claiming you're crazy."

Minnie's jaw dropped and Mickey jumped up saying, "Hey..wait a minute. I didn't say she was crazy.........I said she was fucking Goofy."

[poppytater]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a  stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in  this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of  it."
None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar.  The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi  Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet.  The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won  another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The  octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set  them down again.
"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?"  said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its  pajamas off."

[EdBega]

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.