02-08-2013 09:23 AM
|A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”|
02-08-2013 12:17 PM
02-08-2013 03:57 PM
Guy found a genie in a bottle. When he let her go, she promised him one wish, any wish. He thought about it awhile, and finally decided sex was better than money. He stuck out his chest real big and said,"alright, I want you to turn me into a real STUD!"
"You're wish is my command," said the genie.
The next thing he knew he was bumping along on a snow tire in Chicago
02-09-2013 07:26 AM
Another genie joke !!
A guy walks into a bar. He pulls out a small piano from under his coat and sets it on the bar. Then he reaches into the other side of his coat and pulls out a tiny man, sets him in front of the piano, and the little guy immediately starts to play some tunes. Everyone is stunned !!
Bartender asks where he got the tiny man from. The man responds. I got him from a Genie when I rubbed an old bottle I found in the forest, and he granted me one wish. Bartender says: You wished for a little man and piano?
The man replies ……. Not exactly. I think the genie was a little hard of hearing, because he thought I wished for a twelve inch pianist.
02-09-2013 08:25 AM
Guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. Then he takes a monkey out of his inside coat pocket and sets him up on the bar. The monkey immediately starts running all over the place, eating everything is sight, the pretzels, the peanuts on the bar, eating the hard boiled eggs out of a big jar, the cherries behind the bar, and the bartender is yelling at the man to do something to make him stop. About that time the monkey jumps on top of the pool table and eats the cue ball! The man finally catches his monkey, apologizes to the bartender, pays for the beers, the pretzels, everything else, even the cue ball. Then he takes his monkey and leaves. The bartender is greatly relieved to see them both go.
Two weeks later, the same guy shows up with the same monkey. The bartender recognizes him from his previous visit and tells him to get the Hell out of his place and take his monkey with him. The guy explains that he's got his monkey trained now and there shouldn't be anymore problems with him now. So..the bartender says they can stay, but the monkey had better behave himself.
As soon as the bartender steps away, the monkey grabs a pretzel, shoves it up his ass, pulls it back out and eats it. Then he takes a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it back out and eats it. Next comes the cherries. He shoves a cherry up his ass, takes it back out and eats that too! The bartender has been watching all of this and runs over to the guy and says, "Hey! I thought you said he's all trained now and won't give me any problems!"
The guys says, "He IS trained now. Look. Since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first before he eats it!"
02-09-2013 09:05 AM
The Cartwright boys, Hoss, Adam and Little Joe, were all sitting at a table in the saloon when the bartender comes over and tells them there's a new girl upstairs that does some tricks they've never seen before. He explains that, for $10, she'll put a ring of pineapple on your penis, a little whipped cream and some chocolate syrup and then she eats it.
After the bartender walks away from their table, Little Joe tells Adam and Hoss that he just has to try out this new girl upstairs. He's up there for about 15 minutes, then he comes back out of the room. all glassy eyed with a big smile on his face. He comes back to the table and tells Hoss and Adam all about it.
Adam jumps up from his seat and tells them he's gonna try it too. He's up there for about 30 minutes, comes back down with a big smile on his face and the same glassy-eyed look and explains to Little Joe and Hoss that he gave the girl $20 and that she gave him some special treatment. He said she put two rings of pineapple on his penis, some warm strawberry syrup, whipped cream a cherry on top and then she ate it!
Hoss can't stand it anymore. He takes off his hat and marches up the stairs. He's up there for at least an hour before the door opens and he comes out onto the balcony overlooking the saloon's main floor below. He's got the biggest smile on his face Little Joe and Adam have ever seen. He looks like he's about to pass out but manages to fall down the stairs without killing himself. They manage to get him over to their table and ask him what happened.
Hoss begins........"Well....what happened up there in that room was really something to behold.....I gave the girl $40! She put three rings of pineapple on my penis, some strawberry syrup, some sliced up banana, hot chocolate, some really warm caramel syrup, whipped cream, crushed nuts, sprinkles and a big ol' cherry right up on tip-top of all of it. I'm tellin' you, boys. It looked so damned good I ate it myself!!"
02-09-2013 09:31 AM - edited 02-09-2013 09:39 AM
Oh, so you want long jokes....okay
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and tells the bartender, "I'm a bettin' man, and I'll bet you $100 I can kill a pitcher of beer without stopping". The bartender looks at him and realizes he's rather small. "okay, I'll take tht bet." He sets the man up, who immediately starts to chug the beer, glug, glug, glug. suddenly when he is almost done, he sets the pitcher down. "Damn, he says, couldn't do it". He pays the bartender his $100 and walks away.
A few minutes later he comes back up to the bartender and loudly proclaims again, "I'm a bettin' man, and I'll bet you $200 dollars I can kill TWO pitchers of beer without stopping." By this time the whole bar is watching. The bartender says, "that's ridiculous, I'll take that bet" and sets him up. The man begins to drink, glug, glug, glug but can't make it. "Damn, he says, couldn't do it." He pays the bartender $200 and walks away.
A few minutes later he comes back up to the bartender and proclaims loudly, "I'm a bettin man, and I'll bet you $300 I can stand here on this side of bar and piss in that urn on the back by the wall and not get a drop on the bar on you or anything else." The bartender, knowing that's impossible says, "I'll take that bet." The man starts to piss. He pisses on everything. He pisses on the wall and on the bar and the bartender is steadily wiping it up and laughing while he is doing it. He pisses right on the bartender's arm but at this point he was laughing his butt off because he had just won $600 in the past 15 minutes "pay up, bettin' man," he says.
Finally the man turns to walk away." hold on a minute", the bartender asks. Are you stupid or something?"
"No," the man replies.
"Why would you just give away $600 then"?
"Well, I told you I was a bettin' man. To tell the truth, do youou see those three guys over at the far table with the angry looks on their faces? I just bet those idiots $2000 I could piss all over you and make you like it!"
02-09-2013 02:26 PM
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. While sipping it, he looks around and notices a mule over in one corner, with a bucket of ten-dollar bills in front of it. Curious, he asks the bar-keep what's the deal, and the bartender answers "Oh, it's a game we play here...you put a tenner in the bucket, and then you try to make the mule laugh...if you're successful, the bucket is yours"...
The guy orders another beer, drinks it down, then reachs into his wallet, pulls out a ten-spot, drops it into the bucket, and whispers in the mule's ear...the mule looks up, then starts laughing loudly.
The guy scoops up the bucket, buys a round for the house and walks out the door...
Several months later, the same guy drops by again for a brew, and notices that the mule is still in the corner, so he asks the bar-tender if they're still playing that same game. The bar-tender shakes his head and says, "No, after you won, we decided it was too easy, so now you put in a $20, and if you can make the mule cry, you get the bucket. However, we've had men bigger than you punch it right in the face and it never makes even a peep, so you might want to save your money!"
The guy smiles and tells the bar-tender "Oh, I'd never hurt a defenseless animal, but I'd still like to give it a try." and the bar-tender tells him to give it a try, if he cares to.
The guy walks over to the mule, drops in a $20, and the mule, seeing him for the first time in months, starts laughing heartily...and then, all of a sudden, the mule starts crying like his heart was breaking, so the guy picks up the bucket and, again, buys a round for the house, and then gets ready to leave.
"Not so fast...I gotta know what you did!" said the bartender.
"Oh, you mean how did I make him laugh?"
"Yeah, OK, let's start with that!"
"No big thing, I just told him mine is bigger"
"Oh...ok. But, how did you make him cry, then?"
"I showed him"
02-12-2013 10:31 AM
Not necessarily a joke, but a true story that made me laugh.
Angus Young was interviewed and asked what he thought of a certain music critic's comment that AC/DC had made 10 albums and they all sounded the same?
Angus thought for a moment and said "he's a damned liar! We've made eleven albums that all sounded the same!"
02-12-2013 03:56 PM
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
02-12-2013 09:57 PM
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