n9ne

Years ago, my band was playing week-long gig at Club La Vela in Panama City Beach, FL, and there was the girl that would show up at the band house every night. She was apparently a stripper from Jacksonville who had come down to party for a few days. (She was mildly attractive, but she had this loud and obnoxious personality that was a total turn-off....one of those people you can't stand to be around for more than five minutes.) At first we thought she was just there to party....but after a couple days we realized that she was coming to the bandhouse because she had nowhere else to go. Nobody in the band was screwing her and nobody had invited her or anything....she just showed up and wouldn't leave. She obviously had a thing for our singer Jimmy....but he absolutely could not stand to be around her, and it got to the point where he was just downright cruel, trying to get her to leave.....just treating her like dirt. (I almost felt bad for the girl....but she really brought it upon herself. He was just saying what the rest of us were feeling.) So one night, it's late, and everyone is asleep...everyone except me and drunk bitch. She's obviously wasted on god-knows-what, and as we're sitting there, she turns to me and says, "Jeff....Jimmy is so friggin' hot. Why won't he {censored} me?" Me: "Well....probably because he thinks you're really obnoxious and annoying. Seriously.....he really can't stand you." Her: "Oh....okay. Well.....will you {censored} me?" Me: "Naw, I'm not gonna {censored} you, either. I'm going to bed." Eventually she did end up catching our other guitar player in a moment of weakness...but as he later told us, he was so drunk at the time, he could hardly get it up. At one point he's lying there drunk and she's going down on him. After a few minutes she strips off her clothes and says, "I want you to {censored} me." But of course, screwing was something would require some effort on his part...so he tells her, "Naaah....that sounds like too much work. I don't want to do any work. I just want to lay here and get my dick sucked." And so he did.

Having been married longer than I've been gigging, I don't have any great stories of my own....but over the years, I've gotten stories from bandmates that are worth repeating. A drummer friend of mine was once playing a club, and there was this rather inebriated gal who stayed on the dance floor all night long. What made this rather unusual was the fact that she had a prosthetic leg....so most of her dance moves involved gyrating in circles while the prosthetic leg remained stationary. And the longer they played, the more loaded she got, to the point where she's just swaying drunkenly and using the leg for support. After the show, my buddy hooks up with a few people and grabs a bite to eat, then heads back to the band house. As he walks in the front door, all the lights are out, but he the sound of movement and heavy breathing, so he knows something is going on. As his eyes adjust to the low light, the first thing he sees is a prosthetic leg propped up against the wall. Across the room, he sees the singer and the guitar player on the couch, double-teaming the one-legged girl from the bar.....she's lying on her back with one guy banging her and the other guy in her mouth.....and the whole time, her little nub of leg is poking out at an angle, quivering and twitching like a naked chicken wing. (Just for emphasis, this is where you fold your arm, stick your elbow out and make it start jerking and twitching around....just like her leg). He said it was one of the funniest and most revolting things he'd ever seen in his life.