Joke I just heard cracked me up bad!

[Mesa4x12er2]

I'm sure someone will say this is old and it probably is but it's still funny as hell.

 

 

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They

are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had contact with a

penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched with the tip

of my finger..." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy

water and pass through the gates."

 

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever

had contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies,

"Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

 

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one

girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ass in it!

[Rydock]

[pioneerprogress]

old.

 

actually I've never heard that one

[knucklefux]

old.

 

funny, but old

[Zacman0126]

Before Stephanie sticks her ass in it? Hmm...Catholic school girls....hey...hey wait a minute. Curtis' hair gel story?!!?

[jenksdrummer]

My fav:

 

Adam and Eve are in the garden of Eden, and Adam is fretting over Eve's first period.

 

Adam: God, she's bleeding, what do I do?

God: What have you done so far?

Adam: I sent her to the river to clean up

God: You shouldn't have done that Adam

Adam: Why not?

God: Well, I can get the blood out of the water, but I'll never get the smell out of the fish!

[eudaimonia02912]

[video=youtube;ERfW_TWoEkU]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERfW_TWoEkU

[Zacman0126]

 

I am archiving your fail for all to see. No Ninja lows edit can save you now!

[eudaimonia02912]

I am archiving your fail for all to see. No Ninja lows edit can save you now!

 

Damn, you caught me not knowing how to imbed a video in the new system the first time I tried to do it. You got me, man.

[The Anomaly]

Damn, you caught me not knowing how to imbed a video in the new system the first time I tried to do it. You got me, man.

 

As if it was different with the old system.

[Zacman0126]

Your double fail has now been archived.

[Ovid9]

As if it was different with the old system.

 

The old system was different. And better. (Not really, but hey)

 

Now the old as dirt system (say, pre July of 2010 since I have no knowledge of such time and it may not exist as such) maybe was the same.

[munizfire]

My fav: Adam and Eve are in the garden of Eden, and Adam is fretting over Eve's first period. Adam: God, she's bleeding, what do I do? God: What have you done so far? Adam: I sent her to the river to clean up God: You shouldn't have done that Adam Adam: Why not? God: Well, I can get the blood out of the water, but I'll never get the smell out of the fish!

 

LOOOL

 

my turn... might be lame, but i laugh with the stupidest {censored}/fart related jokes

 

Today at Mass, while the Priest was giving out the communion, out of nowhere all the nuns started to laugh hysterically:lol:. So, the Mother Superior commands all 30 nuns to go and confess. And so they go to the priest to do so...

Nun 1: Forgive me Father for i have sinned. I laughed during mass.

Priest: It's ok my child, just don't do it again...

Nun 2: Forgive me Father for i have sinned. I laughed during mass.

Priest: It's ok my child, just don't do it again...

Nun 3: Forgive me Father for i have sinned. I laughed during mass.

Priest: It's ok my child, just don't do it again...

Nun 5: Forgive me Father for i have sinned. I laughed during mass.

Priest: It's ok my child, just don't do it again...

Nun 8: Forgive me Father for i have sinned. I laughed during mass.

Priest: It's ok my child, just don't do it again...

Nun 14: Forgive me Father for i have sinned. I laughed during mass.

Priest: It's ok my child, just don't do it again...

and so on... But the Father was tired of this silly joke...

 

Nun 30: Forgive me Father for I have sinned..

Father: I KNOOOW, I KNOOOOOOW , you laughed during mass...

Nun 30: No Father, i was the one who Farted!!!

 

 

[Flogger59]

A Minister, a priest and a rabbi are having their Thursday night poker session when they get busted by the vice squad. the cops seperate them into different corners of the room and start their interrogation.

"Father, tell me, were you gambling for money?" The priest says a hasty prayer of absolution for himself and replies "No".

 

"Mr Smith, were you gambling for money?" The minister whispers a quick prayer to Jesus asking to be forgiven, and replies "No".

 

"Rabbi, were you gambling for money?"

 

"With who?" He answers.

[draelyc]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[scratchie]

Two aliens land their spaceship near a petrol station in the middle of the desert.

It was very early hours of the morning, so the station was closed at the time.

The Aliens walk over to the petrol bowsers and the head alien says "We come in peace, take us to your leader"

Naturally, the bowser says nothing, so he says it again.

Still no answer. Now it is pretty obvious to the other alien that he is getting a bit pissed off at being ignored by the petrol bowser.

So the second alien says to to the head alien "I think we need to go search elsewhere"

"Bull{censored}" says the head alien, "this basterd is going to answer me or else!"

"I don't think that would be wise

"I the {censored}ing leader! I know what is wise!"

The head alien pulled out his Raygun and pointed at the petrol bowser then said "I will ask you one last time, take us to your leader!"

The bowser says nothing.....

Before the second alien could stop him the head alien fired on the petrol bowser and the petrol station exploded in a massive ball of flames.

 

The aliens were blown 50 meters from the blast. They pick themselves up from the ground and the head alien said "I should have listened to you...but how did you know?"

The second alied said " It was obvious, everyone knows that anyone who can wrap his penis around himself twice and stick it in his ear is not someone to {censored} with"

 

 

 

before anyone points out this is not on topic...both aliens were catholic.

[The Anomaly]

Two aliens land their spaceship near a petrol station in the middle of the desert. It was very early hours of the morning, so the station was closed at the time. The Aliens walk over to the petrol bowsers and the head alien says "We come in peace, take us to your leader" Naturally, the bowser says nothing, so he says it again. Still no answer. Now it is pretty obvious to the other alien that he is getting a bit pissed off at being ignored by the petrol bowser. So the second alien says to to the head alien "I think we need to go search elsewhere" "Bull{censored}" says the head alien, "this basterd is going to answer me or else!" "I don't think that would be wise "I the {censored}ing leader! I know what is wise!" The head alien pulled out his Raygun and pointed at the petrol bowser then said "I will ask you one last time, take us to your leader!" The bowser says nothing..... Before the second alien could stop him the head alien fired on the petrol bowser and the petrol station exploded in a massive ball of flames. The aliens were blown 50 meters from the blast. They pick themselves up from the ground and the head alien said "I should have listened to you...but how did you know?" The second alied said " It was obvious, everyone knows that anyone who can wrap his penis around himself twice and stick it in his ear is not someone to {censored} with" before anyone points out this is not on topic...both aliens were catholic.

 

:lol::lol:

[Sheik_Yerbouti]

Old, but classic!

 

A skeleton walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks him "what'll ya have?". The skeleton says "a whiskey & a mop".

[scratchie]

Yeah, I know this is old...but goddammit! it is still funny!

 

[video=youtube;2OpuuAa7gdE]

[Space coyote]

Bill and Randy go to a bar and proceed to get {censored} faced, the next day they see each other at the store. Bill says to Randy, "man I got wasted last night", Randy responds "yeah, I got so drunk when I got home I blew chunks".

Bill: "Yeah man, I almost puked too".

Randy: "No man, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog".

[pink freud]

Once upon a time, there was a young boy, and this young boy was having

his 10th birthday. His father thinking that it was an important day for

his young lad, said to him, 'You can have anything that you want for

your birthday'.

The boy thought and thought. Finally, he said to his pop, "Dad, I want a

green golf ball." The man was surprised a bit, but decided to humour his son.

And so, the boy recieved 1 green golf ball for his 10th birthday.

 

On this boy's 13th birthday, when he hit his teens, the father once again

walked up to the boy, and told him what he had before. The boy thought. And

thought. Finally, he said, "Dad, I want 10 green golf balls." Now, the father

was slightly curious about this, and he almost asked his son why. But then he

decided that it was just youthfulness, and left it at that.

 

Upon graduating from High School, the boy was once again given that same

offer by his father. He thought and thought and thought. Finally, he went up

to his old man and said, "Dad, I want 100 green golf balls." Now, the father

was very curious about this, and asked his son, finally, why he wanted the

balls. The boy just said, "Dad! It's a secret!" The father backed down, and got

the boy his balls.

 

When the boy graduated from college, his father once again offered him anything

he wanted. Once again, the boy thought. Once again, the boy walked up to his

father. He said, "Dad, I want 1000 green golf balls." The father decided that

the boy knew how to live his life. But still he asked, "Why, son? Why do you

want these green golf balls?" And once again, the boy said,"It's a secret,

Dad!"

 

And then came the war. And the boy volunteered himself for his country. And

when he came back in one piece, his father said, "Son, I will get you anything

that you want!" And the boy thought. And thought. And he said, "Dad, I want

10,000 green golfballs." And the father could not hold back his question any

longer. "Why? Why, son? Why do you need these green golf balls?" And the son

looked at thim, and he said,"Dad, now, I told you that it was a secret. Please

don't make me tell you." And the father backed off.

 

The boy got married. His father walked up to him, and offered him anything he

would want on this joyous occasion. The boy thought and thought and thought.

And thought. And, finally, he said,"Dad... I want 100,000 green golf balls..."

And the father, keeping calm, asked why. Why the boy wanted so many green golf

balls. And all the boy could do was look at his father, and say,"It's a

secret." And the father kept silent.

 

Then, tragedy struck. There was a car accident. The boy was mortally injured.

And the father went to see the son in his final hour. And he asked his son if

there was anything he could get him. And the son whispered,"Father... Please

get me 1,000,000 green golf balls..." And the father almost wept. He said,"Son,

please tell me why you want these green golf balls..." And the son looked at

his father, and he said, "Alright, dad..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then he died.

[srspud]

Dear Ma and Pa,

 

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

 

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

 

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

 

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

 

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

 

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

 

 

 

 

Your loving daughter,

 

Alice

[CME]

A high school couple had been dating for a while. They guy kept wanting to have sex but the girl kept declining. This went on for a while. Then one day the girl tells the boy, "if you come over and have dinner and meet my parents this weekend we can have sex later that night". The boy is ecstatic.

 

So the next day he goes to the local pharmacy. He decided he needs some condoms. He has never had sex before, let alone buy any condoms. The pharmacist sees the boy is looking at the condoms and seems confused. So he walks over and asks if he can help. The boy explains his situation. The pharmacist smiles and helps him pick which kind he wants. After figuring out which ones to get the pharmacist asks, "Do you want to buy a few individuals, a 10 pack or I have some 100 packs in the back". The boy states, "well I think we're going to be doing this a lot, I want the 100 pack."

 

A couple of days later it is time for the dinner. They all set at the table and the dad asks the boy to say a prayer before dinner. The boy begins to pray, but doesn't seem to want to stop. He keeps rambling on and on. This goes on for 5 minutes. Then 10 minutes. Finally after 15 minutes the girl whispers to him, "I never knew you were so religious". The boy whispers back, "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist".

 

 

[nvranka]

A high school couple had been dating for a while. They guy kept wanting to have sex but the girl kept declining. This went on for a while. Then one day the girl tells the boy, "if you come over and have dinner and meet my parents this weekend we can have sex later that night". The boy is ecstatic. So the next day he goes to the local pharmacy. He decided he needs some condoms. He has never had sex before, let alone buy any condoms. The pharmacist sees the boy is looking at the condoms and seems confused. So he walks over and asks if he can help. The boy explains his situation. The pharmacist smiles and helps him pick which kind he wants. After figuring out which ones to get the pharmacist asks, "Do you want to buy a few individuals, a 10 pack or I have some 100 packs in the back". The boy states, "well I think we're going to be doing this a lot, I want the 100 pack." A couple of days later it is time for the dinner. They all set at the table and the dad asks the boy to say a prayer before dinner. The boy begins to pray, but doesn't seem to want to stop. He keeps rambling on and on. This goes on for 5 minutes. Then 10 minutes. Finally after 15 minutes the girl whispers to him, "I never knew you were so religious". The boy whispers back, "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist".

 

lol

[nvranka]

Once upon a time, there was a young boy, and this young boy was having his 10th birthday. His father thinking that it was an important day for his young lad, said to him, 'You can have anything that you want for your birthday'. The boy thought and thought. Finally, he said to his pop, "Dad, I want a green golf ball." The man was surprised a bit, but decided to humour his son. And so, the boy recieved 1 green golf ball for his 10th birthday. On this boy's 13th birthday, when he hit his teens, the father once again walked up to the boy, and told him what he had before. The boy thought. And thought. Finally, he said, "Dad, I want 10 green golf balls." Now, the father was slightly curious about this, and he almost asked his son why. But then he decided that it was just youthfulness, and left it at that. Upon graduating from High School, the boy was once again given that same offer by his father. He thought and thought and thought. Finally, he went up to his old man and said, "Dad, I want 100 green golf balls." Now, the father was very curious about this, and asked his son, finally, why he wanted the balls. The boy just said, "Dad! It's a secret!" The father backed down, and got the boy his balls. When the boy graduated from college, his father once again offered him anything he wanted. Once again, the boy thought. Once again, the boy walked up to his father. He said, "Dad, I want 1000 green golf balls." The father decided that the boy knew how to live his life. But still he asked, "Why, son? Why do you want these green golf balls?" And once again, the boy said,"It's a secret, Dad!" And then came the war. And the boy volunteered himself for his country. And when he came back in one piece, his father said, "Son, I will get you anything that you want!" And the boy thought. And thought. And he said, "Dad, I want 10,000 green golfballs." And the father could not hold back his question any longer. "Why? Why, son? Why do you need these green golf balls?" And the son looked at thim, and he said,"Dad, now, I told you that it was a secret. Please don't make me tell you." And the father backed off. The boy got married. His father walked up to him, and offered him anything he would want on this joyous occasion. The boy thought and thought and thought. And thought. And, finally, he said,"Dad... I want 100,000 green golf balls..." And the father, keeping calm, asked why. Why the boy wanted so many green golf balls. And all the boy could do was look at his father, and say,"It's a secret." And the father kept silent. Then, tragedy struck. There was a car accident. The boy was mortally injured. And the father went to see the son in his final hour. And he asked his son if there was anything he could get him. And the son whispered,"Father... Please get me 1,000,000 green golf balls..." And the father almost wept. He said,"Son, please tell me why you want these green golf balls..." And the son looked at his father, and he said, "Alright, dad..." And then he died.