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  • They're Made out of Meat

    Terry Bisson

    They're Made out of Meat



    "They're made out of meat."



    "Meat?"



    "Meat. They're made out of meat."



    "Meat?"



    "There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."



    "That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"



    "They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."



    "So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."



    "They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."



    "That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."



    "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."



    "Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."



    "Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"



    "Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."



    "Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."



    "No brain?"



    "Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."



    < 2 >

    "So ... what does the thinking?"



    "You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."



    "Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"



    "Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"



    "Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."



    "Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."



    "Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"



    "First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."



    "We're supposed to talk to meat."



    "That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."



    "They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"



    "Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."



    "I thought you just told me they used radio."



    "They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."



    "Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"



    "Officially or unofficially?"



    < 3 >

    "Both."



    "Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."



    "I was hoping you would say that."



    "It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"



    "I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"



    "Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."



    "So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."



    "That's it."



    "Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"



    "They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."



    "A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."



    "And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."



    "Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"



    "Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."



    < 4 >

    "They always come around."



    "And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."



    the end
    Originally Posted by Notes_Norton


    I'm sorry for the rant, but death threats, hate mail, and hundreds of pizzas not picked up really irks me.









    Originally Posted by Mossy Moss


    I liked you better as your previous alt. Now you're just a giant walking vagina filled with sand and yeast.

  • #2

    Comment


    • #3

      Comment


      • #4






        Quote Originally Posted by Honkridge
        View Post

        Terry Bisson

        They're Made out of Meat



        "They're made out of meat."



        "Meat?"



        "Meat. They're made out of meat."



        "Meat?"



        "There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."



        "That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"



        "They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."



        "So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."



        "They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."



        "That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."



        "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."



        "Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."



        "Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"



        "Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."



        "Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."



        "No brain?"



        "Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."



        < 2 >

        "So ... what does the thinking?"



        "You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."



        "Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"



        "Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"



        "Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."



        "Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."



        "Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"



        "First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."



        "We're supposed to talk to meat."



        "That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."



        "They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"



        "Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."



        "I thought you just told me they used radio."



        "They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."



        "Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"



        "Officially or unofficially?"



        < 3 >

        "Both."



        "Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."



        "I was hoping you would say that."



        "It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"



        "I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"



        "Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."



        "So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."



        "That's it."



        "Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"



        "They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."



        "A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."



        "And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."



        "Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"



        "Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."



        < 4 >

        "They always come around."



        "And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."



        the end




        TS/NLE
        My Last FM
        My Youtube page
        BobNod # 11

        Comment


        • #5






          Quote Originally Posted by Honkridge
          View Post

          Terry Bisson

          They're Made out of Meat



          "They're made out of meat."



          "Meat?"



          "Meat. They're made out of meat."



          "Meat?"



          "There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."



          "That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"



          "They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."



          "So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."



          "They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."



          "That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."



          "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."



          "Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."



          "Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"



          "Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."



          "Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."



          "No brain?"



          "Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."



          < 2 >

          "So ... what does the thinking?"



          "You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."



          "Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"



          "Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"



          "Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."



          "Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."



          "Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"



          "First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."



          "We're supposed to talk to meat."



          "That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."



          "They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"



          "Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."



          "I thought you just told me they used radio."



          "They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."



          "Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"



          "Officially or unofficially?"



          < 3 >

          "Both."



          "Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."



          "I was hoping you would say that."



          "It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"



          "I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"



          "Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."



          "So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."



          "That's it."



          "Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"



          "They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."



          "A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."



          "And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."



          "Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"



          "Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."



          < 4 >

          "They always come around."



          "And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."



          the end




          TS/NLE
          My Last FM
          My Youtube page
          BobNod # 11

          Comment


          • #6
            I believe that's the single funniest thing I've ever read.
            I one day hope to be the man my dog thinks I am.WORDS OF WISDOM FROM VARIOUS MEMBERS"most often the guitar will rise or fall to the level of the player""people overthink ****************""Sometimes you gotta know when to shut the **************** up and have a little class. Not you, you're special.""If it sounds good to you then it sounds good"The bull**************** and myths in the guitar world are stacked very high.

            Comment


            • #7
              I believe that's the single funniest thing I've ever read.
              I one day hope to be the man my dog thinks I am.WORDS OF WISDOM FROM VARIOUS MEMBERS"most often the guitar will rise or fall to the level of the player""people overthink ****************""Sometimes you gotta know when to shut the **************** up and have a little class. Not you, you're special.""If it sounds good to you then it sounds good"The bull**************** and myths in the guitar world are stacked very high.

              Comment


              • #8
                i kept waiting for the chapter where they tried to decide bettween diplomacy and cooking methods.
                start where you are,
                use what you have,
                do what you can. arthur ashe

                Comment


                • #9
                  i kept waiting for the chapter where they tried to decide bettween diplomacy and cooking methods.
                  start where you are,
                  use what you have,
                  do what you can. arthur ashe

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    An oldie but goodie.
                    http://www.last.fm/user/pinkfreudHC

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      An oldie but goodie.
                      http://www.last.fm/user/pinkfreudHC

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        The Common Sense Mets Fan

                        There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there always has been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that "my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge." - Isaac Asimov, Newsweek (21 January 1980)

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          The Common Sense Mets Fan

                          There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there always has been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that "my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge." - Isaac Asimov, Newsweek (21 January 1980)

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Meat is gross.
                            “One who loves & understands nature will never be alone & will never be afraid.”
                            -Rachel Carson-

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Meat is gross.
                              “One who loves & understands nature will never be alone & will never be afraid.”
                              -Rachel Carson-

                              Comment



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