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Band vs. Girlfriend


Mathew

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i know this is the age-old problem for musicians. Its like you can't have both, and balancing them is EXTREMELY difficult. Does anyone here play full time in a band and have a girlfriend or have a job/school and a band and a girlfriend? How do you go about making sure that they know the band comes first? I'm only 19, and i want to take what i'm doing as far as it can go, but i am also very much in love with my girlfriend, and it is becoming difficult. Last night i booked a show on a day that i forgot i said i would do family stuff. That didn't go over too well...

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Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but either your relationship with your girlfriend or your relationship with your band is gonna suffer. Very rarely can you have them both for any length of time. Just enjoy them both to the fullest while you still can.

 

Young ladies that age are usually supportive as long as your band is doing well. They do however at some point start considering things like children and 30yr mortgages. It's right about this time the young guys driving the new 3-series start to look real appealing to them.

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You just have to establish early on what your ground rules are. You play in a band. She can accept it or move on. Don't give it up just because she wants you to. Women will try to control you, but ultimately lose respect for you if they succeed.

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It almost doesn't matter whether or not you're a musician or a tax accessor when you're young. Starting out in any profession, you'll be the bottom man on the totem pole. You'll be the one asked to work weekends and nights. You'll have phone support at odd hours. When I got my first IT job, I had an argument with my superviser who wanted me to take support calls on my honeymoon.

 

Of course, for many, music will not turn into a life-long profession, but 19 is a good age to give it a start.

 

If you do want to try to balance all aspects of your life, you'll need to get organized. Get yourself a date book. Write down all the big dates for the upcoming year, including birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Use this date book whenever you discuss bookings with a venue. That'll help keep things clear.

 

See about setting some goals for yourself, some milestones to gauge your progress. For example, what happens if your band isn't locally successful in one year or two years? Do you have a backup plan.

 

You might have some bargaining power with your GF if you can honestly say you're just working on a regional tour, a CD, getting a new drummer up to speed, etc.

 

I must admit I married when I was a little older and I married another musician, who full well knows what the performing bug is like.

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I'd say (assuming your girlfriend is a reasonable person) there are two secrets to this: 1) be up front with her about your big picture goals and priorities, so that she doesn't repeatedly have unspoken expectations of you that you can't meet. And 2) Communicate regularly and don't make a habit of backing out of things you promise to do. That way, if you have to back out once in awhile the gf won't be too pissed off, and neither will your band if you have to back out of a rehearsal or something to spend time with the girlfriend.

 

Oh, and DO make a point of spending time with the girlfriend, doing nice things for her and letting her know you value her.

 

Our drummer has a wife, a kid, and a full time day job. He somehow manages to make both the family and the band happy for the most part. It's not like his wife never gets upset if he's off too much doing band stuff, and it's not like we never get upset if he's unavailable due to family stuff. But on balance, everybody deals with it because he never neglects anything really important on either end, and we've all learned that if we give him his space, he'll put in double the effort when he does become available.

 

Just be that kind of person for both your band and your girlfriend and you can make it work. And be aware it will still cause friction from time to time - just don't let the negative outweigh the positive and turn into long term resentment.

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Originally posted by Lee Flier

I'd say (assuming your girlfriend is a reasonable person) there are two secrets to this: 1) be up front with her about your big picture goals and priorities, so that she doesn't repeatedly have unspoken expectations of you that you can't meet. And 2) Communicate regularly and don't make a habit of backing out of things you promise to do. That way, if you have to back out once in awhile the gf won't be too pissed off, and neither will your band if you have to back out of a rehearsal or something to spend time with the girlfriend.


Oh, and DO make a point of spending time with the girlfriend, doing nice things for her and letting her know you value her.


Our drummer has a wife, a kid, and a full time day job. He somehow manages to make both the family and the band happy for the most part. It's not like his wife never gets upset if he's off too much doing band stuff, and it's not like we never get upset if he's unavailable due to family stuff. But on balance, everybody deals with it because he never neglects anything really important on either end, and we've all learned that if we give him his space, he'll put in double the effort when he does become available.


Just be that kind of person for both your band and your girlfriend and you can make it work. And be aware it will still cause friction from time to time - just don't let the negative outweigh the positive and turn into long term resentment.

 

Excellent advice! :thu:

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Originally posted by fastplant

If you find someone that accepts and understands your passion for music, then there's no reason you can't have both. I'm married and my wife loves that I'm doing something that makes me happy.

 

 

 

+1,000,000

 

Wuuuuv....truuuuuuu wuuuuuv

 

 

I never understood why people let themselves get into relationship situations where there is a push/pull with music and the relationship. The same goes for any passion. If you are a musician and are truly passionate about it, then your partner must understand this and support it or it's doomed. One of you will be seriously unhappy. 19 seems a bit young to have this delima, but...practice early...say it with me, "The music is part of who I am, you must either accept that or let me go."

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Originally posted by Lee Flier

...And 2) Communicate regularly and don't make a habit of backing out of things you promise to do. That way, if you have to back out once in awhile the gf won't be too pissed off,

Yep, backing out of things you promised to do is gonna piss off most GFs regardless of whether you're a musician, butcher, baker or candlestick maker.

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Originally posted by JacieFB

...I never understood why people let themselves get into relationship situations where there is a push/pull with music and the relationship.

Yeah, this is another good point...

 

The choice between relationships and music has always been an easy one as I'm definately more passionate for the relationship. Sounds like though it can be a very tough choice for some. I just feel fortunate it's always been a no brainer for me.

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Originally posted by JacieFB




+1,000,000


Wuuuuv....truuuuuuu wuuuuuv



I never understood why people let themselves get into relationship situations where there is a push/pull with music and the relationship. The same goes for any passion. If you are a musician and are truly passionate about it, then your partner must understand this and support it or it's doomed. One of you will be seriously unhappy. 19 seems a bit young to have this delima, but...practice early...say it with me, "The music is part of who I am, you must either accept that or let me go."

 

 

agree.

 

You're too young to be stressing out over something that's supposed to be about bringing yourself and others happiness. Feel it, than live it because it's what you love.

 

His last sentence is your mantra. Let her know now that this is the person you are because some women will try to change you. So, you must know yourself and be upfront about it.

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I have a full time job, school, 2 bands, and a wonderful girlfriend. My girlfriend comes first, but understands that the other things are important to me, and supports me, as long as she gets her share. It's NOT impossible. Sure it's hard sometimes, but it's not impossible.

 

I also make it a point to make sure that both bands understand that they MUST communicate with me in advance with shows, practice schedules, etc, and that I may already be booked. If that didn't work for them, I wouldn't still be in those bands.

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As a side note, I would also recommend calling home before day 4 of tour. :o I speak from experience here. Your true love loves you and your passion to the end of the earth, but he/she needs to know that you're still alive out there. :)

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The operative words here are:

Communication

Respect

Honesty

Communication

Responsibility

Consideration

Communication

Commitment

Communication

 

Here, let me put it to ya in a sentence:

 

It is your responsibility to be considerate enough to communicate honestly and respectfully with both your g/f and bandmates about your commitments.

 

It's actually a lot simpler than you think.

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I think the biggest problem you have is expressed in how you worded the thread title, "band vs girlfriend."

 

Seems to me you have it in your mind as a competion and that being the case, well one's gotta win and the other's gotta lose. :(

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I know everyone's just trying to help, but please consider the potentially disasterous consequences of your advice. If he sorts out all of his relationship dilemmas at 19, what the hell is he going to write his songs about? Please, think of his future.

 

 

:D

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lol@ some of the answers.

 

I'll be the first to tell you, I know nothing about relationships. I just don't have it together on that front.

 

I will tell you what happened with a close friend of mine and former bandmate. For many years he was married to his high school sweetheart, started a business, had a few kids, started a band, started playing out, started new hobbies, (snowmobiling, etc), and eventually found that his wife wasn't interested in doing the same things he was. He's a great guy, and they parted on friendly terms, but he ended up with a girl who liked to do the same things as he did.

 

As for the "Band vs. Girlfriend" picture I keep getting in my head, I'd have to see your girlfriend and band before I could tell you who to put your money on for that one. I know a girl or two that could whup most of our band pretty handily.

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+1 what Lee said.

 

Underpromise & overdeliver. No reason you can't have a healthy relationship AND a band.

 

If she gets into the habit of asking "why does the band take priority over me/us." every time its time to pratice or gig, even when you've just spent substantial time with her, you may have a more serious "control freak" problem. I hope thats not the case. :freak:

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Originally posted by ThumpThumpTwang

lol@ some of the answers.


I'll be the first to tell you, I know nothing about relationships. I just don't have it together on that front.

 

Don't feel bad: I don't think any of us have it together on that front.

 

:D

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Originally posted by miles to go

I know everyone's just trying to help, but please consider the potentially disasterous consequences of your advice. If he sorts out all of his relationship dilemmas at 19, what the hell is he going to write his songs about? Please, think of his future.



:D

 

bahahahaha

 

 

awesome

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Originally posted by Mathew

i know this is the age-old problem for musicians. Its like you can't have both, and balancing them is EXTREMELY difficult. Does anyone here play full time in a band and have a girlfriend or have a job/school and a band and a girlfriend? How do you go about making sure that they know the band comes first? I'm only 19, and i want to take what i'm doing as far as it can go, but i am also very much in love with my girlfriend, and it is becoming difficult. Last night i booked a show on a day that i forgot i said i would do family stuff. That didn't go over too well...

 

 

You met her at a gig, didn't you?

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HaHa!

 

Some of y'all's take on being in a relationship is almost as funny as your take on being in bands.

 

 

 

'I'm in a Black Metal band with 2 xylophonists and a keytar player who supplies the bass lines. Our drummer had a beer, so he's out.... what drum machine is the metal-ist?....... and here's some free relationship advice....'

 

m/:Dm/

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