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why do some musicians show up for one practice and all of a sudden disapear on me?


ForgetMeNacht

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This seems to be a too common scenario when it comes to getting band members. I meet a musician either through ads/networking/chance meeting. We hit it off and keep regular contact leading up to the practice. I tell the person up front that if anything should come up and that if he's not interested, just let me know.

Two scenes happen. The guy shows up for one practice or doesn't show up at all. I call up and I go either straight to voice mail or the # is disconnected. I email and message the guy and no response, ever.

I never hear a single word from the person, ever since.

What is the big deal? If you can't be in the band for a sudden reason, that's fine. I just wish for some form of communication. You don't even have to give a reason, just don't leave me hanging.

Am I the only person who goes through this BS? Is there some kind of "cold shoulder" virus that spreads among musicians?

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Quote Originally Posted by ForgetMeNacht View Post
This seems to be a too common scenario when it comes to getting band members. I meet a musician either through ads/networking/chance meeting. We hit it off and keep regular contact leading up to the practice. I tell the person up front that if anything should come up and that if he's not interested, just let me know.

Two scenes happen. The guy shows up for one practice or doesn't show up at all. I call up and I go either straight to voice mail or the # is disconnected. I email and message the guy and no response, ever.

I never hear a single word from the person, ever since.

What is the big deal? If you can't be in the band for a sudden reason, that's fine. I just wish for some form of communication. You don't even have to give a reason, just don't leave me hanging.

Am I the only person who goes through this BS? Is there some kind of "cold shoulder" virus that spreads among musicians?
You can have all the chat and discussion in the world and hit it off but what it comes down to is the music dood.
Its how you play and they play together. That is it in a nutshell. "Music is a feel thing"
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Quote Originally Posted by Pro Sound Guy View Post
You can have all the chat and discussion in the world and hit it off but what it comes down to is the music dood.
Its how you play and they play together. That is it in a nutshell. "Music is a feel thing"
umm, you missed the point entirely.


and yea OP, musicians are a flakey bunch. it's just the way it is.
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It happens to everybody, but you're lucky to find out early that these people aren't right for you or the band. It's disgustingly disrespectful not to hear anything back from people like that, so you're better off not having to deal with characters like that as bandmates.

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Rule#1: musicians are flakes.

So yes, there's definitely a chance you've just run into a bunch of flakey musician types.

That said, if this was regularly happening to me, I'd take a good look at myself to make sure I wasn't putting these people off somehow. If they tended to bail after the first rehearsal, I'd either suspect my playing was not up to snuff or, assuming the rehearsal was at my place, that maybe the person was repulsed by my enormous, prominently-displayed collection of shrunken alligator heads. wink.gif

Seriously, be honest with yourself: do you have bad B.O.? Bad breath? Sometimes people have these things without realizing how bad they are - I have a good friend who has chronic halitosis. It's a medical condition and once he figured it out, the doctor treated it and he now has a super-hot, way out of his league girlfriend.

Are you an evangelical Christian that wants to save the world? Musicians will run from these type of guys at the speed of light.

Do you always wear your lucky T-shirt? The comfy one with "I heart Charles Manson" printed on it?

Just saying, try to objectively rule out the obvious stuff and see what's left. Maybe discuss it with friends/family? They know you better than anyone and might have some insight into why this keeps happening. Good luck!

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Are you cranky? Do you tell people how much you hate rock/country/blues/rap? Do you brag about the hours you spend learning Rush albums note-for-note, then making people listen to your recordings of said Rush songs over the phone? Do you suck? Does your music suck? If this is an originals project, do your charts suck? Is one your band members an alpha dog protecting his territory?

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While it's true many musicians are flaky, perhaps you could set it up a little better at the end of the first rehearsal.

When it's over, say "go home and think about it If this is not for you, just let me know. No hard feelings"

Sometimes, people don't want to hurt anyone's feelings so they figure no contact is better than saying no.

But if this happens all the time, then maybe you try the other advice posted here and check yourself out and see how you are coming across to others.

Good luck, it's tough finding the right group of musicians.

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Quote Originally Posted by wrongnote85

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umm, you missed the point entirely.

 

umm, I dont think so. The point entirely is the music. If you have a rehearsal for the first time with a new member and it sucks then they are not coming back. If it happens several times then its obviously not working musically. I left out the personal part because the OP claims they got along great until they made music together.
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That happened to a band that I was in a few years ago. We were looking for a singer and we found this guy who was looking to sing in a band. We set up a time to meet, he shows up and everything goes great. He was a talented singer, liked the band, the whole nine yards. We came up with a few songs to work on for the next week, most of them being his choices, and was excited to get the band underway. That was the last we saw of him. He never showed again and didn't return any of our calls.

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Quote Originally Posted by JimiRules View Post
That happened to a band that I was in a few years ago. We were looking for a singer and we found this guy who was looking to sing in a band. We set up a time to meet, he shows up and everything goes great. He was a talented singer, liked the band, the whole nine yards. We came up with a few songs to work on for the next week, most of them being his choices, and was excited to get the band underway. That was the last we saw of him. He never showed again and didn't return any of our calls.
I've experienced that, those type of people want to be in a band, but don't plan on actually doing anything in the band.

Some of these people though, it's like if you've suddenly changed your mind are can't commit or just aren't interested, what the motherf*** is wrong with just getting in touch and saying "sorry, I've changed my mind"? They could send that in a text in about thirty seconds.
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Bands. People.

It doesn't have much to do with the fact that they are musos.

When you go to a job, there are plenty of whack jobs that have to keep their whack-ness at bay if they like the paycheck. Not so at band practice. So the people element comes thru. Try starting any business with someone you find off the street and see what happens.

Bottom line is know what professionalism is. Expect it from yourself and everyone around you. Outline it to a prospective band mate before they get involved. If they bail, don't worry. You think the manager gives a {censored} if some kid doesn't show up or call for a shift? He gets pissed for 30 seconds cuz of the extra work, then does it and moves on. Same here.

Keep it pro. Do gigs and get paid.

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Quote Originally Posted by beatpoet View Post
I've experienced that, those type of people want to be in a band, but don't plan on actually doing anything in the band.

Some of these people though, it's like if you've suddenly changed your mind are can't commit or just aren't interested, what the motherf*** is wrong with just getting in touch and saying "sorry, I've changed my mind"? They could send that in a text in about thirty seconds.

Tell me about it. If he changed his mind then no big deal, just let us know before we waste time learning songs that YOU want to do in the first place! Oh well, I guess you live and learn.
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Who are you looking for? And what are you offering up? Is it just you? Originals or Covers?

I think all those factors make a big difference. For example:

- If you're a good guitarist but want to sing half the songs, and you're a bad singer. . . gone!
- If you're a songwriter and want to write all of the songs. . . gone!
- If its you and a drummer, a bad drummer. . . gone!
- If you're more "experienced" than most of the guys your getting together with. . . you get the picture.

- From my recent experience it's very difficult to "form" a band, it's much better to find a small group of guys and join-in, and then, maybe kick somebody out, and then add a piece here and there, etc. Then you can develop some connections and take it from there. All of the "successful" band I've been in were made up of combinations of people who knew each other from other failed projects, in one way or another.

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Here's a situation I've been on both sides of--a good/great musician can sit in and sound amazing to a group that's hitting way below his weight class. It'll feel like everything's clicking, because he's indulging you out of politeness, avoiding conflict, and counting down the minutes he has to be there. It's happened to me with much better players trying out with my band, and I've been the guy sitting in with a crappier band.

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OP, no offense, but if this happens to you a lot, to me it means these guys are seeing something in you, your organization (or lack of), your songs, choice of direction, quality of equipment, etc., that for whatever reason doesn't work or doesn't click for them. They choose to not come back and not answer calls because they don't want the confrontation, or rather they choose incommuncation over confrontation. Take a long and honest look at yourself.

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I'm not ashamed to say that I've "disappeared" after a one time get together on a few occasions over the years. In each case - it's been because I felt I was the victim of a "bait and switch" tactic on the part of the guys I had gotten together with.


Whenever I'm looking for a new project - I always make sure that I have a pretty thorough telephone discussion with whoever my point of contact with the potential project is. That telephone conversation is as much for me to see if the project sounds like something I'm going to be interested in - as it is for the project to see if I sound like the keyboard player they're looking for. In the course of the conversation, I'm piecing together answers to some very specific question - such as:

  • What is the project's instrument lineup and who are the players?
  • What material is on the project's current playlist - and where are they trying to get to in terms of playlist?
  • What sort of gear are the other players using in their individual rigs?
  • How is the band handling PA?
  • How often does the band rehearse? Does everybody come prepared? ...etc.
  • What's the band's gigging plans (what gigs are currently booked now? How often does the band want to work? What venues are they hoping to get into?)
Given the answers to these guestions - I usually come away with a good idea as to whether or not I'm interested. If it sounds like it's got potentially - I'll accept an invite to a face to face audition / rehearsal / jam, etc. If it's not - I've got no qualms about saying it doesn't sound like it's a good fit for me - and declining the invite.

Over the years however, I've accepted to a face to face invite only to discover that the band in the basement isn't anything like the band that was described to me over the phone! The "excellent" guitar player who asked me "what chord are you playing" gave me the ol' deer in the headlights" look when I told him "Am" and then had to help him pick out the individual notes since he didn't know them by note name. The "awesome" drummer who had no clue what I meant when I asked him to play a "shuffle" beat. The band that claimed to be "gig ready" yet couldn't come up with 10 tunes they could play from front to back on demand - or that claimed to be negotiating gigs to play a couple of "B+/A-" venues in the area - with their beat up pair of 1st generation EONs on sticks and 6 channel Behringer self powered mixer.

When I've found myself the obvious victim of a "bait and switch" sales job - I'm not interested in being honest with the guy who tried to sell it to me. At the first opportunity, I do the "Oh {censored}! I just got a test message from my day gig! I gotta go!" thing - then I pack quickly and vanish!
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Quote Originally Posted by SpaceNorman View Post
I'm not ashamed to say that I've "disappeared" after a one time get together on a few occasions over the years. In each case - it's been because I felt I was the victim of a "bait and switch" tactic on the part of the guys I had gotten together with.


Whenever I'm looking for a new project - I always make sure that I have a pretty thorough telephone discussion with whoever my point of contact with the potential project is. That telephone conversation is as much for me to see if the project sounds like something I'm going to be interested in - as it is for the project to see if I sound like the keyboard player they're looking for. In the course of the conversation, I'm piecing together answers to some very specific question - such as:
  • What is the project's instrument lineup and who are the players?
  • What material is on the project's current playlist - and where are they trying to get to in terms of playlist?
  • What sort of gear are the other players using in their individual rigs?
  • How is the band handling PA?
  • How often does the band rehearse? Does everybody come prepared? ...etc.
  • What's the band's gigging plans (what gigs are currently booked now? How often does the band want to work? What venues are they hoping to get into?)
Given the answers to these guestions - I usually come away with a good idea as to whether or not I'm interested. If it sounds like it's got potentially - I'll accept an invite to a face to face audition / rehearsal / jam, etc. If it's not - I've got no qualms about saying it doesn't sound like it's a good fit for me - and declining the invite.

Over the years however, I've accepted to a face to face invite only to discover that the band in the basement isn't anything like the band that was described to me over the phone! The "excellent" guitar player who asked me "what chord are you playing" gave me the ol' deer in the headlights" look when I told him "Am" and then had to help him pick out the individual notes since he didn't know them by note name. The "awesome" drummer who had no clue what I meant when I asked him to play a "shuffle" beat. The band that claimed to be "gig ready" yet couldn't come up with 10 tunes they could play from front to back on demand - or that claimed to be negotiating gigs to play a couple of "B+/A-" venues in the area - with their beat up pair of 1st generation EONs on sticks and 6 channel Behringer self powered mixer.

When I've found myself the obvious victim of a "bait and switch" sales job - I'm not interested in being honest with the guy who tried to sell it to me. At the first opportunity, I do the "Oh {censored}! I just got a test message from my day gig! I gotta go!" thing - then I pack quickly and vanish!
A good description.

Sometimes the "bait and switch" is intentional deception; other times, it's their idea of what "normal" is.

I have had long post-first-rehearsal discussions and even sent a long email once. I look back on each of these attempts to clarify my reasons for not continuing and I wonder . . . . what was the point? One guy did respond by thanking me for my candor.
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I have loaded out on start up projects after 20 mins. It doesnt take long to figure out that it aint ever gonna work. People really only gut it out trough the whole session to be polite. I used to try to give start up projects a while to see if the would address the short falls in things like lead singers and drummers etc. Some people just will never get a band up and running because they dont know how bad it really is sounding.

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Quote Originally Posted by Pro Sound Guy

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umm, I dont think so. The point entirely is the music. If you have a rehearsal for the first time with a new member and it sucks then they are not coming back. If it happens several times then its obviously not working musically. I left out the personal part because the OP claims they got along great until they made music together.

 

no, the OP never claimed they made music together.
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Quote Originally Posted by SpaceNorman View Post

Over the years however, I've accepted to a face to face invite only to discover that the band in the basement isn't anything like the band that was described to me over the phone! The "excellent" guitar player who asked me "what chord are you playing" gave me the ol' deer in the headlights" look when I told him "Am" and then had to help him pick out the individual notes since he didn't know them by note name. The "awesome" drummer who had no clue what I meant when I asked him to play a "shuffle" beat. The band that claimed to be "gig ready" yet couldn't come up with 10 tunes they could play from front to back on demand - or that claimed to be negotiating gigs to play a couple of "B+/A-" venues in the area - with their beat up pair of 1st generation EONs on sticks and 6 channel Behringer self powered mixer.

When I've found myself the obvious victim of a "bait and switch" sales job - I'm not interested in being honest with the guy who tried to sell it to me. At the first opportunity, I do the "Oh {censored}! I just got a test message from my day gig! I gotta go!" thing - then I pack quickly and vanish!
Great post. Been there and done that. Its amazing how clueless some people are about music.
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Back to the task.

I wouldn't want to say that my skills/personality would be a prime factor cause I have a consistent group of musicians that I've worked with over the years through different projects. The original post I made was more of a rant than anything. It seems 25% of my searches got me musicians that stick, the other %25 don't but tell me and then %50 are the flakes.

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It happened to us tonight. My group had a meet-up scheduled with a prospective guitar player, but the guy bailed. Turns out he has put "guitar player looking" ads on CL for the last few months with no takers, and doesn't play out anywhere, so it's probably all for the better. Slim pickins out there!

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