Is the bandleader being unreasonable?

[etcetra]

I have this band that plays this regular gig once a month, and because of scheduling issues (people being out of town etc), we agreed to do 2 4 hour rehearsal a week before the gig.  I agreed to it thinking it would work out, but I had gigs/rehearsals that I had to end up doing the same day, and quickly realized that it was going to be a problem.  So I emailed the bandleader letting know that in the future, I'd prefer not to do 4 hour rehearsals if we can help it, because I am dealing with hand-related injuries, and with my schedule being busy as they are, I am very likely to get last minute rehearsals/gig I have to deal with.  I figured my daily threshold for rehearsals/gig is about 5 hrs a day,after that I start having some serious pain,  and 4 hours leaves me very little breathing space if something comes up last minute.

I figured, it's not a big deal.  I told him I am cool with it this time and ask him politely to consider this in the future... So needless to say, I was a taken back when he wrote me back telling me just how pissed of he was.  Basically he said, "you agree to do this, and I waited&made sure everyone are cool with the rehearsal, and it bothers me that you are telling me this now; it was your mistake to spread your self thin, so don't give me this S%^*"(paraphrased).  He also made some snide comments along the way which I didn't appreciate either.

I responded back by saying, that he has every right to call me up on the fact that I did agree to do those rehearsals, and I have no problem accepting it was my mistake.  I also told him that he could have told me without the attitude and that he didn't have any reasons to be pissed off at me.. like I said, all I said is that 4 hr rehearsal isn't going to work for me in the future.

I guess I wanted to get some feedback from you guys about this interaction.  I really don't see how I would be in the wrong here, and I don't really see how what I did would warrant such violent response.  Maybe someone here can shed light on that as a bandleader?

[Lee Knight]

People get pissy in reaction to things they don't want to hear and thought were resolved. It's not really a big deal either way I don't think. I wasn't there of course for your interaction but your response may have been a bit premature.

 

Sometimes people need to vent. Sometimes we have to suck it up for their benefit. Maybe your calling him out on an overreaction was justified and just fine. Maybe it wasn't.

 

People are people, yourself included. Reconnect with him and let him know you understand his burden and what it means to the project and his workload.

 

If it works for everyone, that's great! If it doesn't, that's good to know right now. But I wouldn't worry too much about a human being human. You threw a wrench into the works. No worries, it'll work out I'm sure.

 

But I say, at this point, it comes down to social niceties and just communicating with him in a cool way.

 

Nobody has to say I was wrong, they just have to be willing to move forward and make it all work out for everyone.

[etcetra]

 

---

Lee Knight wrote:

 

People get pissy in reaction to things they don't want to hear and thought were resolved. It's not really a big deal either way 

 

 

But I say, at this point, it comes down to social niceties and just communicating with him in a cool way.

 

 

 

---

 

I guess that's the thing, I really don't know how to commnicate with this guy without every other conversation being this confrontational/hostile.  I've had to bring up issues with other people in other bands but it never get this uncomfortable for both parties.

Another example:  In the past I've requested that he give me a more detailed explanation as to what he wants me to play on this new track, because the track had A LOT of keyboard parts, and depending on what I have to do it can take anywhere between 2 hrs or 10+hrs to learn.  It really wasn't something that can be handled with 1 keyboard.  He  also gave us all the music 3 days before the first rehearsal and I had 10 other songs to worry about too.  I asked also so that other people aren't wasting time learning the same parts, or learn something they didin't have to in the fist place(which seems to happen quite often, and it turns out I really didin't have to learn a whole lot for that song).  He starts writing this huge rant about how I am supposed to handle all the work if I am a professional and what not which was totally unnecesary.(the gig doesn't pay a whole lot either considering the workload it requires).  

He's also went after other members for what was otherwise an harmless comment/email.  He felt that the tone of the email was somewhat rude, even though nonone else felt that way about it.  It seems like he really gets off on reading too much into the comment and interpreting the tone of the message.

Btw this is the same bandleader from "Bandleader having unrealstic expectations" a few weeks ago.  I guess you are right, it's good to know right now. I've considered moving on from this project before and depending how the conversation gets resolved, I'll porbably make my final decision after the next gig.

[Tullsterx]

Personally, I make it a policy to never play with a$$holes. And I know if it was me I would tell this guy to go f*ck himself.

I'm not sure about your situation. . . but, it's hard for me to imagine a situation where I wouldn't tell him to f*ck off and then go find another band.

 

[etcetra]

EDIT:  Just talked to the bandleader about this, I guess all it really came down to is that he was reading  way too much into the tone of my message, and how I asked not to do rehearsal.  This has happened before and it's becoming frustrating for both parties.  The music we do is fun but part of me is kind of over this drama stuff.

 

[n9ne]

Are these paid rehearsals?  If not, then you have every right to refuse a 4 hour rehearsal if it means turning down paying gigs.   

[etcetra]

 

---

n9ne wrote:

 

 

Are these paid rehearsals?  If not, then you have every right to refuse a 4 hour rehearsal if it means turning down paying gigs.   

---

 

They are not paid rehearsals(although he did try to argue that the fact I didn't have to pay for rehearsal constitutes being compensated), and I didn't have to turn down gigs for this rehearsal this time.  But considering how much I am getting for the amount of rehearsal/prep it takes, i wouldn't call it a gig I am playing for money either.

I was just telling him that in the future I would prefer not to do 4 hr rehearsal considering my injury problems & how often I get last minute gigs lately, and rehearsing that much before the gig is going to affect my performance on the gig.

 

[Yer Blues]

Maybe someone has a better way, but in the past I tell band leader's what I am capable of (practice time, distance willing to travel to/from gigs, etc) and if they don't like it then it's not a good fit so I move on.  I had one guy who would want to practice 2-3 times a week; play low paying gigs 1.5 hours away (you could get same low paying gigs much closer);  and would want to setup 5 hours early, go home, come back to gig, go home, come back next day to take down PA.  He also couldn't keep guys around... I wonder why.

After 2-3 months of this I sent him an e-mail stating my availibility for future gigs (i.e. no multiple practices, only available to set up/tear down right before gig, etc) and he got pissed.  I probably should have done it by phone, but some guys are just looking for arguments and quite frankly it was not worth my time.  Since then I've played in other bands and him not so much. 

If you play keys decently, have a goot attitude, and are flexible in what you play I don't think you should have a problem finding other gigs.  If this is more trouble than it is worth move on.  Only you can decide if it is worth it for yourself.

[etcetra]

---

Yer Blues wrote:

 

If you play keys decently, have a goot attitude, and are flexible in what you play I don't think you should have a problem finding other gigs.  If this is more trouble than it is worth move on.  Only you can decide if it is worth it for yourself.

---

What kept me going was the fact that I enjoy playing the music and it was a good learning expereince for me.. but  I don't need the gig and at this point I am seriously considering whether the time commitment is worth it for me. The good news is that we have bigger and better things coming up, so things may change for the better soon..we may finally be seeing the payoff for all the time/work invested so far.  

The good thing is that we don't hold grudges and we usually move on pretty quickly when we butt heads, but I can definitely do without having to go through that from time to time.  There are a lot of things I don't care for,  but I always get reminded as to how much fun it is to play with these guys.  Taking what Lee Knight said, I guess I can just back off and stay cool whenever there is drama like this, and just not let it get to me..I can try that for a while and if things still feels unpleasant, then I should just move on.  After all, not all bandleaders/boss I work with are going to be pleasant people (I've heard plenty of Buddy rich stories from my teachers).  

 Now that I think about it, I was getting worked up over this way more than I should have..