Thoughts on Robin Williams, Remaining Relevant, Dealing With Our Mortality

[Ernest Buckley]

Ras/David brought up a subject the other day on FB that coincided with some thoughts I was having about staying relevant as I grow older. Then we heard the news about Robin Williams and depression and thoughts started to crystallize for me that I want to expand upon here and I would really enjoy hearing your POV on this subject afterwards. I have many thoughts so bear with me...

 

I`ve been on the songwriting sidelines for a good 2 years now. I`ve been working mostly on recording my old tunes and outside production work but I find little to be inspired about these days or rather, I find little to actually write and sing about because my creative juices are still flowing but I`m not expressing them in songwriting form.

 

Then after Robin Williams left us, I started thinking about depression. I have a degree in Psychology so I cannot help but to put 2 and 2 together… I was thinking about depression and how much it can play with our perspective/attitude on life. Then the fact that after the age of 40 or 50, society tends to cast us aside because we`re "old" and "irrelevant". These thoughts creep in from time to time even with me and I just turned 41. The last 3 years I have spent in college with kids half my age and they all looked at me like an old timer even though I feel pretty young in mind and spirit. It was very interesting… seeing their lust for life, their lack of attention spans, their carefree attitudes, etc… then comparing it to myself, just 15-20 years older than them.

 

But the reality of my life is I once dreamed of being a professional singer-songwriter with a band, performing, and making records. This was my ideal career. I envisioned spending my days in the studio with my friends/band, and being creative. I envisioned crowds coming to hear us and supporting our art. As I closed in on 30 I got really determined to make it happen because I felt that it was "now or never".

 

But I also wanted to settle down with my best friend and wife to have kids, buy a house, etc… I tried to do both but around the age of 33 I realized my dream was not happening and my personal life was falling apart because I was being pulled into two separate directions. I wanted to be creative which requires being selfish. I wanted to be a supportive and loving husband and father. I was being pulled into two separate worlds and something snapped.

 

By the time I was 35 I was in a complete mess. Things fell apart. I was let go from a position I loved, my first record came out and no one cared. A part of me died.

 

I fell into a very deep and dark place. I wouldn`t call it a depression because it felt different. I was depressed in my late teens when my nonna passed. This was an intense period of loneliness and feeling irrelevant. A feeling that no one really cared. No one noticed my art. No one noticed that a part of me died. It was a struggle and a real eye-opening experience because I discovered a couple of things:

 

1) Compassion is key because we all struggle. We all have to deal with unfulfilled dreams. Disappointment is part of life. We don`t know when others are suffering so its really important to be kind. Its really important to give someone the benefit of the doubt. Its really important to build up instead of tearing down. We all know this but sometimes we need to be reminded. Dark times in our life bring this to light.

 

2) Whatever you choose to do with your life, do it well. Do it so well that even if no one else notices, you are proud of your work. Put your whole self, your entire soul into your work. Your life is your art. Whether you choose to be a doctor, lawyer, indian chief, housewife, etc… doing it with so much conviction and passion that its no longer work but art.

 

3) Define your own relevance. Most of us grow old. Old enough to a point where society casts us aside. How are you going to remain relevant? Whats your gift to yourself? This is to me the answer to remaining happy/sane/alive. I hesitate to call it the ANTI-DEPRESSANT because depression is a serious mental illness but I think if we establish this definition for ourselves we are less concerned with others and their approval or disapproval of us.

 

Also, it has to be hard for a celebrity to go from A lister to a B lister to irrelevant. I`m not saying this is what happened to Robin Williams or that this was the cause of his depression but rather, when we have our own definition of relevance, we are less prone to the pitfalls of outside influences.

 

What is the one thing that will continue to get you up in the morning when no one cares if you get up? It has to be something that resonates so deeply in you that you do it for yourself and no one else.

[veracohr]

What is the one thing that will continue to get you up in the morning when no one cares if you get up? It has to be something that resonates so deeply in you that you do it for yourself and no one else.

 

The bladder.

[Ernest Buckley]

LOL. Great answer. Disregard everything else I said.

[nat whilk II]

Thanks, Ernest, for the thoughtful and honest post.

 

I have reservations about the idea of pouring everything into work or art. Pour energy, pour passion, love, truth, struggle, paradox, all those things and more, but not everything. I feel that I should be able to walk away from the work of my hands, the work of my mind, and still be 100% valid and real and relevant as a given, regardless of circumstances fair or foul.

 

It boils down to faith, is my strong belief. It helps if you happen to believe in a benevolent God and that you are made in God's image. But there are other routes to the sort of faith that values one's self. Apart from what one does, even what one feels or experiences or knows or all the peculiarities of one's psychology and history.

 

Just value yourself, period - hang it in the air on nothing and it will stand if you stand by it. Faith.

 

Then value the person next to you the same way and see what happens.

 

nat whilk ii

 

[Lee Knight]

Merrian-Webster [h=2]Definition of RELEVANCE[/h] 1

a : relation to the matter at hand

b : practical and especially social applicability : pertinence

2

: the ability (as of an information retrieval system) to retrieve material that satisfies the needs of the user

 

A relation to the matter at hand. My dad's 89 and seems to always have a relation to the matter at hand. I'll be 55 next month. I never, ever feel that I'm missing something. That I just don't get those kids today. I get those kids today because I am one. I also have more experience than the kids today. And my dad has more than I. But experience, as much as it may want to, doesn't have to crush youthful curiosity and lust for the new.

 

It is very easy, as I witness around me, to let our grip and hold on the clockwork around us slide out of our hands. Without thought it just... slips. I have no desire to let that happen. I don't need to know about the Kardashians, but I do want to understand any fascination with them. I don't have to love Owl City to get that my kid digs him. And I get why. And I still remember why Catcher in the Rye made such an impact on me at 15. That hasn't died. And it won't. I have a relation to the matter at hand.

[veracohr]

LOL. Great answer. Disregard everything else I said.

 

 

I just had to do that for the lulz, but your post is good. I agree with you about compassion. I tend to spend a lot of my time unhappy and/or in a bad mood, and I've learned to keep that compartmentalized so that I can still be pleasant with those I interact with. I do this because of the way I feel when people's bad moods spill over into their interactions with me.

[AlamoJoe]

Great post Ernest. While it made me sad about Robin, I can't say I was completely surprised. He always seemed to be just a footstep away from going off the bridge and I could tell it wasn't just completely an act. His serious acting was in several roles, especially "Good Will Hunting". marvelous. I think the fact that his return to the small scrren was unsuccessful, combined with the onset of Parkinson's diease, and his struggles with substance abuse just were too much for him. He didn't want the people that cared for him watch him decline.

 

He gave up..And you just can't give up. Life is a struggle for 99.9% of the people on this planet, and the majority of them fight to the very end. Some just aren't that strong. What gets me up every day is a 58 year old woman and a lad of 19. They both depend on me. That is enough for me. A little time to play a little guitar, a little time to visit a few internet sites and I'm good.

[Anderton]

Too much to comment on in one post, so I'll just talk about the art/relevance/suicide part.

 

To me art (in my case mostly music) is about a journey. If I go to Belize it's because I want to go to Belize. I may take some pictures and show them to people, but really, I don't expect anyone to see a picture and feel they were part of that journey. I don't expect anyone to hear my music and understand the journey. Some do and that's great, because I feel that I've communicated with my fellow humans. Some don't, and that's fine because they're interested in other journeys. If I was told tomorrow that no one would ever hear my music again, I would still make it and I don't think it would change at all. I already make the music I want to make. If I feel like singing in French one day, or being optimistic about a new day, or living on Mars, or covering one of Mark's songs or even covering an Alice Cooper song from 1989, then that's what I do..

 

I had the good fortune to "make it" at an early age, but the even better fortune not to have made it any bigger. Even the level I was on was starting to get uncomfortable. When I had a chance to attempt taking it to another level, I declined. I just wasn't wired that way.

 

So how does this relate to Robin Williams? If he was really an artist - and I think he was - then he got just as much satisfaction being in the small movies that didn't pay so well as in the big movies...maybe more. If he drifted off into irrelevance, he would have done local theater...written a biography...stayed in the mix. I don't think it was lack of relevance that made him check out. But also remember that to be a comedian, you have to be extremely perceptive about the human condition, which is inherently tragic (don't believe me? Read history books, or turn on TV).

 

I think there are three components to suicide. First, people have to be in a considerable amount of pain. If an animal is suffering, we think nothing of being merciful and putting it out of its misery. But when it comes to people, oh no, they're expected to tough it out and keep a stiff upper lip. Therefore if they want to end the pain, it's a DIY project.

 

Second, they need to feel that the pain will not go away, and that it will become even more intolerable to the point where they won't even have control over their own death. If they botch killing themselves and end up in a hospital, the hospital will try to keep them alive and the pain will continue and deepen, piling one failure on top of another one.

 

Finally, they need to calibrate their decline. For example if you're diagnosed with prostate cancer, sometimes it's slow enough that you'll die of other causes long before the cancer would get you. But if all elements of your life are falling apart at a rapid rate, that gives more of an incentive to check out.

 

Now, I have to say I think suicide is problematic because it could actually put people in a worse position than when they were alive. Without getting too involved in personal beliefs or experiences, suffice it to say I have no doubt ghosts exist. They are often people who are murdered, suicides, or die in accidents. Under normal circumstances, life shuts down over a period of time and there is an orderly transition to death. It's not digital where one second you're alive and the next second - nothing. We are electro-chemical-based, and there are "decay times." I don't want to spoil anyone's beliefs but I think that seeing tunnels of white lights and relatives greeting you is simply the process of the brain doing an orderly shutdown.

 

I think the way a ghost might happen is similar to what happens with computers during an OS or firmware update. If the update to another state of being happens in an orderly fashion, the system shuts down and then reboots. I think humans work the same way. When you update your computer, it always say "Updating - DO NOT TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER." Or think of firmware updates that get interrupted - the firmware turns into a ghost where it's stuck between two states.

 

There are cases of suicide where people essentially will themselves to die simply because it's time. The make no value judgements about existing, it's more like they need to make a 2 o'clock flight and they don't want to be late. I don't think it's quite the same thing because they are doing an orderly shutdown.

 

Ultimately, why are we here? The only answer I've come up with is to leave the world a better place than when we found it. Those results that live past us are the only sure-fire, indisputable shot we have at life after death. Robin Williams will, in his own way, have life after death by leaving behind a body of work that will persist for at least a couple generations.

[nat whilk II]

Great posts - thanks especially, Craig, for your ideas spelled out so clearly.

 

There was a suicide among my close friends some years back - blindsided everyone to say the least, and some people struggled with grief and anxiety for a long time afterwards. As a way of dealing with it, a group of us read some books that dealt with the issue and got together to talk things out.

 

I learned a lot about recognized patterns and similarities among people that make that choice - it helps to know what those are both for self-analysis, and also to help recognize people at risk who need help. One book we read that was particularly enlightening was Night Falls Fast by Kay Redfield Jamison. Recommended, but it's a tough read, depressing. I wish I had read it when the issue was not current, and the grief has subsided some.

 

It seems to me that there is a growing tendency for people to take a bit of a fatalistic view regarding suicide, even to extent of calling a choice that people should be free to make. The Jamison book brings home how the most characteristic suicides are the result of a long, developing, terrible disorder that leads people to a state of mind in which they make choices they would never make in a healthier state of mind. It's a societal problem that needs to be treated as a disorder or disease first. Perhaps there are exceptions, but I'm of a mind that those are the types of exceptions that prove the rule.

 

There are other books - a variety of voices is always better than buying into one person's view, however educated.

 

nat whilk ii

 

 

[UstadKhanAli]

Except if they are my views. My views are so well reasoned that it pretty much ends right there.

 

Seriously, some people are wired very differently. And I think a lot of us have probably noticed that a lot of people who have that genius sort of thing going on, the ability to combine very disparate elements into something not thought of before, the ability to think differently than everybody else...people like this often can come laden with other stuff too.

 

We don't really know what Robin felt or thought, I don't think, but clearly he was wrestling with some demons and could no longer think of any other alternative.

 

As an aside, he is by far the most talented comedian I have ever seen. His hilarious, unbelievably quick wit was unparalleled. And I think he was one of the most talented actors in Hollywood all in all because his gigantic comedic talent and acting chops, an absolutely colossal talent.

[monstermaker]

I think sometimes for a depressed person it just hurts too much to stay in the moment.

[onelife]

Great post Ernest - thanks for sharing.

 

By the time I was 35 I was in a complete mess. Things fell apart. I was let go from a position I loved, my first record came out and no one cared. A part of me died.

 

I can relate to that. A big buildup that lasted several years then nothing.

 

I used to think that by the time I hit 40, my life would be pretty much defined. Now that I am 60, things are completely different. A couple of bouts with tendentious have reinforced the idea that life is fleeting and all aspects of it, including our relationship with music, are temporary.

 

The tendentious has led me to Yoga and my wife, who is also 60, followed a year later. She got so into it that she is retiring from nursing to become a Yoga teacher. We are planning to spend the next 30 years focusing on our health while deepening our Yoga and Meditation practices. When the time comes that I can no longer play or hear music I will focus on what else I can still do to make my life seem worthwhile to me.

 

What I am getting at here is that my greatest nightmare of loosing the dexterity in my hands has actually led me to something that will continue to get me up in the morning - Yoga practice.

 

[onelife]

Thanks, Ernest, for the thoughtful and honest post.

 

I have reservations about the idea of pouring everything into work or art. Pour energy, pour passion, love, truth, struggle, paradox, all those things and more, but not everything. I feel that I should be able to walk away from the work of my hands, the work of my mind, and still be 100% valid and real and relevant as a given, regardless of circumstances fair or foul.

 

It boils down to faith, is my strong belief. It helps if you happen to believe in a benevolent God and that you are made in God's image. But there are other routes to the sort of faith that values one's self. Apart from what one does, even what one feels or experiences or knows or all the peculiarities of one's psychology and history.

 

Just value yourself, period - hang it in the air on nothing and it will stand if you stand by it. Faith.

 

Then value the person next to you the same way and see what happens.

 

nat whilk ii

 

Herbie Handcock, a Buddhist and mentor of mine, said that he used to think of himself as a piano player. Now he considers himself to be a human being who plays the piano. It may seem like a small distinction but, from a Buddhist perspective, it is quite profound.

[Ernest Buckley]

Herbie Handcock, a Buddhist and mentor of mine, said that he used to think of himself as a piano player. Now he considers himself to be a human being who plays the piano. It may seem like a small distinction but, from a Buddhist perspective, it is quite profound.

 

Yes. I used to think being a Church musician was a hindrance but what it did for me was realize that its not about me. Its about being a conduit for something else. In my circle, we call it God or Spirit. I think thats what Herbie Hancock is referring to but I don`t want to put words in his mouth.

 

When I was first introduced to music, it was the emotional element that caught my attention, not the sound. The more I learned about theory and the more I played, it became more about the notes. That was a dead end after a few years. I reached a point where the technical challenges bored me, not because I mastered them but because I felt the emotional content was lacking. Getting into a Bach two or three part invention was really hard because there was no emotional connection whereas with Beethoven or Liszt, I felt the passion in the music and it was "easier" to learn the music.

 

These days, I like to keep things simple. Its amazing how simple it is at times. It not about the notes, its all about soul and thats really what I strive for. This is to me the essential breath of life or breath of music or any art. There has to be an emotion or soul within the art.

 

This is what I was saying in #2 of my initial post...

 

"Whatever you choose to do with your life, do it well. Do it so well that even if no one else notices, you are proud of your work. Put your whole self, your entire soul into your work. Your life is your art. Whether you choose to be a doctor, lawyer, indian chief, housewife, etc… doing it with so much conviction and passion that its no longer work but art."

 

I think thats why Yoga works for you and your wife. You don`t do it for any other reason than it allows you to throw your entire self into it… body, mind, and soul/spirit. I used to practice Yoga daily. It was the most awarding time in my life and it was also when I met my wife. I think Yoga clears the mind and heals, it also strengthens the body like no other physical exercise and for that I really should stop talking about it and just practice it again.

 

Thanks for the insight Onelife!

 

[onelife]

Yes. I used to think being a Church musician was a hindrance but what it did for me was realize that its not about me. Its about being a conduit for something else. In my circle, we call it God or Spirit. I think thats what Herbie Hancock is referring to but I don`t want to put words in his mouth.

 

My first "connection" to The Divine was through music. It showed me that there is something there that is beyond conventional understanding and I have spent my life trying to understand its true nature.

 

I think we are all looking at the same thing but perhaps seeing it differently. It seems that musicians are willing to learn from each other and try to find as many pieces of the puzzle as possible to try and see the complete picture. I'm afraid there are some who dwell on the differences to the point of going to war.

 

When I was first introduced to music, it was the emotional element that caught my attention, not the sound. The more I learned about theory and the more I played, it became more about the notes. That was a dead end after a few years. I reached a point where the technical challenges bored me, not because I mastered them but because I felt the emotional content was lacking. Getting into a Bach two or three part invention was really hard because there was no emotional connection whereas with Beethoven or Liszt, I felt the passion in the music and it was "easier" to learn the music.

 

For me, the best music happens when I "get out of the way" and let it flow through me but in order for that to happen I have to be technically competent on the instrument.

 

I first heard Larry Carlton with The Crusaders and I thought "that guy knows all there is about the guitar (I was young at the time) but he just closes his eyes and plays" I decided that was what I wanted to do. Some players seem to have chops for the sake of having chops and can put on a very impressive show but I believe in having the chops to serve the music.

 

These days, I like to keep things simple. Its amazing how simple it is at times. It not about the notes, its all about soul and thats really what I strive for. This is to me the essential breath of life or breath of music or any art. There has to be an emotion or soul within the art.

 

I met a great artist a couple of weeks ago at a music festival. Don Alder has won more than one "best guitarist" awards but does not even consider himself a good guitar player. When I listen to his music it is as if everything is right in the world at that moment. His incredible skills on the guitar are only there to serve his art, or perhaps I should say his heart.

 

I think thats why Yoga works for you and your wife. You don`t do it for any other reason than it allows you to throw your entire self into it… body, mind, and soul/spirit. I used to practice Yoga daily. It was the most awarding time in my life and it was also when I met my wife. I think Yoga clears the mind and heals, it also strengthens the body like no other physical exercise and for that I really should stop talking about it and just practice it again.

 

I can't recommend Yoga enough. I believe it is the single best thing a person can do for themselves. You are right, it has become a passion for both my wife and me and that is why it works.

 

Thanks for the insight Onelife!

 

You are most welcome my friend.

 

[UstadKhanAli]

I began doing yoga when I had a car accident, and do it every morning. It may have saved me, I don't know.

 

As far as being a conduit, I relate to that. I feel like when I am doing my best music, I am taking something and letting it flow through me and my life's filters and habits and tendencies and what I've learned and just coming out. What is that "something"? I don't know. You can call it God or a spirit or energy or love or whatever it is. I really don't know. I really don't even know if it is really happening that way. But it feels that way. Technical competence is important. You learn your stuff, and then as you say, "get out of the way".

[John Bartus]

The suicide of a gifted genius always gives one pause, and Robin Williams' suicide was no different. Sorry for the long absence, but things are rather hectic in my world (a good thing). Here is a recent newspaper column I wrote about Robin... and Brad.

 

Robin Williams

Trying to make sense out of something so… senseless.

 

We lost one of the most gifted comedians and actors ever when Robin Williams committed suicide this past week. It always comes as such a shock when we read about the senseless end to what we all see as such an inspirational life. How can a person, beloved by so many, with talents given to so few, and surely with all the money any person could need or want, just up and decide to check out like he did?

Tributes from virtually everyone have filled the media. Of course, all the old stories of Robin’s bouts with substance abuse and his stint in rehab also came out. But Williams was quite open and frank about those times in his life. Last year, in an interview to promote his TV show The Crazy Ones, he spoke about why people go over the edge into addiction: “Ninety-nine percent of the people who go through that are trying to deal with some pain. They will say that when they did the drug, they suddenly felt okay. Then, ‘I’m not so good. I need to get back [to the drug] and be all right again.’ It builds into that cycle.”

But the root cause of the pain also needs care, attention, and treatment. Williams’ suicide has opened a forum for discussion of clinical depression and bipolar disorder. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 38,000 Americans die by suicide each year – more than those who die by homicide. And we don’t know how many other people are living on the edge, how many of our friends, neighbors, and family who have thought that death would be a better alternative than struggling another day.

I was hit hard in the same way when Brad Delp killed himself in 2007. For those who don’t know, Delp was the lead singer of the group Boston. He was gifted with one of the finest voices in rock, and his vocals propelled Tom Scholz’ compositions and arrangements to the top of the charts and a place in rock history.

At the time of his suicide, Delp was preparing for a summer tour with Boston. He was engaged, and he and his fiancée were to be married during the tour with his friends and bandmates as part of the celebration. He was another of those people who had what most just dream of – a musician and singer with an incredible gift and who got to share that gift on a big stage playing with musicians of the highest caliber, a truly nice guy who seemed to have a great life. That life ended when he lit two charcoal grills in his closed-up bathroom and curled up on the floor for his final nap. His last words were left in a suicide note paper-clipped to the neck of his t-shirt: “Mr. Brad Delp. J'ai une âme solitaire.” I am a lonely soul.

I had always liked Boston’s music since the first album was released with all those classic songs in 1976 (the same year I took up playing guitar). I remember hearing “More Than a Feeling” for the first time and being amazed at everything about the record – especially those effortless vocals and layered harmonies (Delp overdubbed every vocal part on that and several other Boston albums). And I finally got to see Boston at Mizner Park in the summer of 2004, with Delp sounding fantastic and still able to hit all those high notes nearly 30 years after that first album was released.

I pondered the question back then that if someone as musically gifted as Brad Delp saw no other way out, then what the hell do I have to offer and why am I still here? And with Robin Williams’ suicide, those feelings bubbled right back to the surface. How could someone so gifted, someone who has inspired and touched so many lives, end his life so prematurely?

And yet we still find reason to continue our daily struggle. Appearances are so deceiving at times, with those who seem to have it all missing something so important to their very existence. Author Anne Lamott posted this on Facebook: “Our brother Robin fell into [the abyss] yesterday. We are all staring at the abyss today.”

May we all continue to fight the good fight, and get the help we need when we need it.

[Vito Corleone]

It makes sense that the suicide of a celebrity makes us all take pause. But I worry that to focus so much on how "gifted" these people may have been lessens the tragedy of so many others who suffer the same conditions and fate. Sure, Robin Williams was really funny and a big movie star and Brad Delp was a good singer on some big hit records but....so what?

 

Does that really make their suicides any more tragic than the 38,000 other people who take their own lives each year? As if somebody who didn't achieve such commercial success with their talents has a better reason to decide to "check out"? Are we less forgiving and understanding of the down-and-out alcoholic who lives in the trailer park who decides to hang himself than we are of Robin Williams?

 

I hope not, but it very often seems that way.

 

 

[Ernest Buckley]

Just needed to add some spacing so I can read w/o hurting my eyes...

 

 

The suicide of a gifted genius always gives one pause, and Robin Williams' suicide was no different. Sorry for the long absence, but things are rather hectic in my world (a good thing). Here is a recent newspaper column I wrote about Robin... and Brad.

 

Robin Williams

Trying to make sense out of something so… senseless.

 

We lost one of the most gifted comedians and actors ever when Robin Williams committed suicide this past week. It always comes as such a shock when we read about the senseless end to what we all see as such an inspirational life. How can a person, beloved by so many, with talents given to so few, and surely with all the money any person could need or want, just up and decide to check out like he did?

 

Tributes from virtually everyone have filled the media. Of course, all the old stories of Robin’s bouts with substance abuse and his stint in rehab also came out. But Williams was quite open and frank about those times in his life. Last year, in an interview to promote his TV show The Crazy Ones, he spoke about why people go over the edge into addiction: “Ninety-nine percent of the people who go through that are trying to deal with some pain. They will say that when they did the drug, they suddenly felt okay. Then, ‘I’m not so good. I need to get back [to the drug] and be all right again.’ It builds into that cycle.”

 

But the root cause of the pain also needs care, attention, and treatment. Williams’ suicide has opened a forum for discussion of clinical depression and bipolar disorder. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 38,000 Americans die by suicide each year – more than those who die by homicide. And we don’t know how many other people are living on the edge, how many of our friends, neighbors, and family who have thought that death would be a better alternative than struggling another day.

I was hit hard in the same way when Brad Delp killed himself in 2007. For those who don’t know, Delp was the lead singer of the group Boston. He was gifted with one of the finest voices in rock, and his vocals propelled Tom Scholz’ compositions and arrangements to the top of the charts and a place in rock history.

 

At the time of his suicide, Delp was preparing for a summer tour with Boston. He was engaged, and he and his fiancée were to be married during the tour with his friends and bandmates as part of the celebration. He was another of those people who had what most just dream of – a musician and singer with an incredible gift and who got to share that gift on a big stage playing with musicians of the highest caliber, a truly nice guy who seemed to have a great life. That life ended when he lit two charcoal grills in his closed-up bathroom and curled up on the floor for his final nap. His last words were left in a suicide note paper-clipped to the neck of his t-shirt: “Mr. Brad Delp. J'ai une âme solitaire.” I am a lonely soul.

 

I had always liked Boston’s music since the first album was released with all those classic songs in 1976 (the same year I took up playing guitar). I remember hearing “More Than a Feeling” for the first time and being amazed at everything about the record – especially those effortless vocals and layered harmonies (Delp overdubbed every vocal part on that and several other Boston albums). And I finally got to see Boston at Mizner Park in the summer of 2004, with Delp sounding fantastic and still able to hit all those high notes nearly 30 years after that first album was released.

 

I pondered the question back then that if someone as musically gifted as Brad Delp saw no other way out, then what the hell do I have to offer and why am I still here? And with Robin Williams’ suicide, those feelings bubbled right back to the surface. How could someone so gifted, someone who has inspired and touched so many lives, end his life so prematurely?

And yet we still find reason to continue our daily struggle. Appearances are so deceiving at times, with those who seem to have it all missing something so important to their very existence. Author Anne Lamott posted this on Facebook: “Our brother Robin fell into [the abyss] yesterday. We are all staring at the abyss today.”

May we all continue to fight the good fight, and get the help we need when we need it.

 

[Beck]

Good stuff Ernest. I've struggled with self destructive thoughts all my adult life. It's a mood... a moment, but for some it's fatal. One of my best friends took his own life years ago. He was a gifted musician, poet, very deep and on top of that he was a committed born again Christian... and was engaged to married. Worst of all for me I was one of his mentors so I took it really hard. He also struggled with depression since he was a teen. We're funny creatures, and we artsy types are the funniest of all. Other creatures have only survival instinct. We actually have moments of wondering what's the point. We over-think everything. I know I do. Why are we here? What good are we? We're going to die anyway someday, so what the hell. But it passes, and our sort feel the joy and euphoria as strongly as the gloom. I'm sure Williams was exactly that way from what I've read since his death.

 

Anyway, this is my friend, Robert, and he is sorely missed.

[Beck]

Now when I get overwhelmed I just shutdown my facebook account. I think of it as a mini-suicide. I usually rise again on the third day. That usually lets me catch my breath. Having women pulling on you from every direction is not all its cracked up to be. Sometimes I get just plain f-ing exhausted with it all. Maybe people with popularity on a larger scale just get plain f-ing exhausted too.

[Ernest Buckley]

We're funny creatures, and we artsy types are the funniest of all. Other creatures have only survival instinct. We actually have moments of wondering what's the point. We over-think everything. I know I do. Why are we here? What good are we? We're going to die anyway someday, so what the hell. But it passes, and our sort feel the joy and euphoria as strongly as the gloom.

 

Yeah, artists definitely feel more. Thats part of our gift and dis-ease. Sometimes I refrain from writing because I simply choose not to get involved in the emotion needed to write. I think I just solved my "writers block"...