Members Phait Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 I'm a mess right now. It's not a case where she's a bad person, just we had some rough patches and she feels we go in the same circles, and that her own issues affect our relationship too much and that she can't make me happy enough. It was a long distance relationship too. We had our 1 year May 15th this year. I don't know why I'm typing this maybe to vent, or what I'm looking for? I don't know. You guys are just good people and I need to surround myself with that. Thank you so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rampdog Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 Sounds like the old, "It's not you...it's me." dealeo... I'm sure it hurts bud... We've all been there... It'll pass in time... It's all part of life... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Phait Posted July 19, 2010 Author Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 I always told her that though. Cause really I hadn't ever been in a relationship this long, and as things matured I thought things were changing... so I would nitpick things, or overreact, or jump to conclusions. And I did this too frequently, so that she started to feel inadequate and a bad girlfriend. We broke up once for the same reasons as we have now. She resumed because she loved me, wasn't long after. However, in recent month she told me she thinks she emotionally cut me off at that time. She's afraid to get close again, doesn't want to be hurt - and she exhibited this in past relationships. But y'know what happened, I relapsed into my issues. I'd make mountains out of molehills when it came to niggling problems. She'd cave more under the weight I'd put upon her shoulders. Eventually I did improve. I learned to let go of things that didn't have to be nitpicked, stopped pushing for answers to every little thing, dropped a topic if she didn't wanna talk about it. But during discussing spending time together in August, she exhibited confusion, didn't quite know yet. And here she was thinking about how bad she felt about herself and if she can still make me happy. We took a weeks worth break or so, had a couple good nights... but eventually now, she realised she can't do it anymore, and believes it'd just happen all over again. I disagree. I so very much influenced this and I feel so guilty. Yet even she has felt guilty for not making me happy enough, and I told her - guilt is useless and burdenful. Regret is better: you recognise, you learn, you move on. Yet I feel guilty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ernest Buckley Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 It sucks mate but it happens to the best of us. However, look at the bright side, your writers block will now come to an end... Remember This? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ernest Buckley Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 I always told her that though. Cause really I hadn't ever been in a relationship this long, and as things matured I thought things were changing... so I would nitpick things, or overreact, or jump to conclusions. And I did this too frequently, so that she started to feel inadequate and a bad girlfriend. We broke up once for the same reasons as we have now. She resumed because she loved me, wasn't long after. However, in recent month she told me she thinks she emotionally cut me off at that time. She's afraid to get close again, doesn't want to be hurt - and she exhibited this in past relationships. But y'know what happened, I relapsed into my issues. I'd make mountains out of molehills when it came to niggling problems. She'd cave more under the weight I'd put upon her shoulders. Eventually I did improve. I learned to let go of things that didn't have to be nitpicked, stopped pushing for answers to every little thing, dropped a topic if she didn't wanna talk about it. But during discussing spending time together in August, she exhibited confusion, didn't quite know yet. And here she was thinking about how bad she felt about herself and if she can still make me happy. We took a weeks worth break or so, had a couple good nights... but eventually now, she realised she can't do it anymore, and believes it'd just happen all over again. I disagree. I so very much influenced this and I feel so guilty. Yet even she has felt guilty for not making me happy enough, and I told her - guilt is useless and burdenful. Regret is better: you recognise, you learn, you move on. Yet I feel guilty. Depending on other people to make you happy will always fail eventually. The great distortion of relationships is that you`re partner is there to fill that empty part of you. This reasoning sounds alright but give it time and it falls, hence why most relationships end or become miserable experiences. You cannot truly love someone unless you truly love yourself. If you are not happy with yourself, no one can give you happiness. So, you`ve got to become the person you truly love and respect first before you can truly love and respect another. Most people expect others to do this for them and that is completely off and will eventually backfire. The human concept of love is also a grand distortion. Without getting too spiritual on you or biblical, that "love is patient, love is kind" passage from Corinthians is probably the most accurate in human wording... love at its core is non-judgement and an allowing... allowing another person to be themselves. The problem is, put two "lovers" together for 10 years and see how "lovey dovey" they still are. Life happens, other relationships enter the picture and what you realize is that that first spark of "love" was really lust disguised. New relationships give us a lot of attention and theres no denying, sexual relations with someone new who you find attractive can feel like love but really at the end of the day, it was just lust. True love is non-judgement and allowing someone to be themselves. True love does not need physical contact. The 20-something girl we all fall in love with will eventually wrinkle, slouch over, lose her teeth and other assets. Most of the time illness overtakes us and what is left is skin & bones. The question at that point in everyones life is, am I still in love with this person? If the answer is no, then it was never really love, it was lust. It seems to me, that you have to love another persons soul first and foremost; in other words that which never changes because we all age, we all change on the exterior and even our minds change so... this concept of love that most people are walking around with is not love. Sorry if this got a little too philosophical but sometimes just writing this out helps me too. It sounds like you were in lust with this girl and then when that started to run low, you started to nit-pick who she was... judging her is not loving her. Not allowing someone to be themselves is not love either. Consider my avatar... most men "love" it but take the same photo of the same girl in 30 years in the same attire and tell me how you feel. That original "love" is lost which means it wasn`t really love. It was lust. You gotta love the soul bro. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rasputin1963 Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 Sorry for this rough period, Phait. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fanblade Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 She's screwing someone else...woman rarely jump ship, unless the have another to jump on to....she' trying to bring you down easy, but she's moved on....could me any number of reasons, but she's feeling like she moving up and forward with this new guy... Take an assessment of what went wrong...and improve on those areas.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gus Lozada Posted July 19, 2010 Share Posted July 19, 2010 My almost future-wife and suddenly now ex-girl friend just decided on last week that it was better to f*ck her personal trainer than having a long-distance relationship with "the perfect man" (those were her own favorite words to refer to me). Sounds gross, specially when she really seemed as if she wasn't "that type of person". How f*ing lier can a person be? But instead of breaking my heart or making a huge drama, the power of thinking "what a lier / hypocrite" and realizing I got rid of such a bitch -and will save all the money a relationship like that costed me- just really makes me happy. Specially when you realize that her personal trainer is 10 years younger than her and has banged all the ladies at her gym. She's now just an statistic for him... and for me. The only thing I am sorry about is not having the chance to seeing her trying to explain to her children, parents and common friends "what really happened" with our relationship. Bummer. Move on, amigo. Life is WAY better than this. And welcome back to "the market". Let's kick -or bang- a tons of ass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ernest Buckley Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 And welcome back to "the market". Let's kick -or bang- a tons of ass. So basically what you`re going to do if I`m reading this correctly is to screw around with other women, creating more "statistics", making one of yourself in the process. It seems to be an endless cycle and then we wonder why people are f*ing liars? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 19, 2010 Moderators Share Posted July 19, 2010 EB's got some wise musing in that post of his. I liken relationships to the in flight, emergency oxygen mask. Always give more that you receive, but you've got to put the mask on your face first, then you can pass the other mask to her. In other words, take care of yourself first. So you can effectively give to another. It works. Sometimes we think that love is about giving them the mask first. But often you end up oxygen starved and unable to fulfill their needs. So plaster that sucker on your gob first. Then hers. Sorry for your pain, Phait. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gus Lozada Posted July 19, 2010 Share Posted July 19, 2010 Then you go on to say... So basically what you`re going to do if I`m reading this correctly is to screw around with other women, creating more "statistics", making one of yourself in the process. It seems to be an endless cycle and then we wonder why people are f*ing liars? Oh well, when you're single (or at least when I'm single) and have no commitments with anyone, I just enjoy life and let life enjoy me. If you don't go around lying by telling them they are the only ones, I see no harm there. To each its own, I guess. If you have other "methods" that's your call. So, yes, I'm in the market now. Ready to be an statistic for tons of hot chicks who do not want/need a formal relationship in the mean time I commit again the idiocy of choosing only one... why the {censored} not? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lukenskywalker Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 After the smoke clears, you will weary of taking almost all of the blame for the breakup. you will also stop making excuses for her and trying to present her to this forum and others in a favorable light to mitigate the fact that she dumped you, and prolly has someone else already (one guy said;'women don't ship unless they have another ship to go to.') Whomever that other person might be, is probably filling her head with {censored} about you, and she's feeding him with personal stories about you and your shortcomings, and lack of sensitivity to her needs, and blah, blah, Ad nauseum. You will wake up one fine morning in the near future(I promise you) and you will say; {censored}!, What a jerk I've been!! That's when the clear thinking begins and you'll start feeling better about yourself and realizing you are not such a bad guy after all. I know this sounds pretty harsh right now in your sensitive state, but you really need to see things from a different perspective other than your own. I think that's why you posted this thread in the first place. Just remember what Argent said. 'Hold your head up, Hold your Head Up!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members UstadKhanAli Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 Sorry for your pain, Phait. That's just utter agony. And it might be a little more frustrating because it's a long-distance relationship. I dunno, I've never done one of those. And the sort of pain the fanblade or Gus have gone through with your girl screwing someone else....well, that's just utter torment. Sorry, brohams. You just gotta keep moving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gus Lozada Posted July 19, 2010 Share Posted July 19, 2010 You will wake up one fine morning in the near future(I promise you) and you will say; {censored}!, What a jerk I've been!! That's when the clear thinking begins and you'll start feeling better about yourself and realizing you are not such a bad guy after all. We usually don't agree a lot, but I could not have said this better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members UstadKhanAli Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 Maybe one positive thing here is that you (Phait) may have learned a lesson or two. A lesson about yourself, maybe two, a lesson about interacting. Sounds like you are conscious of this. This will help greatly in your next relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lukenskywalker Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 Sometimes we think that love is about giving them the mask first. But often you end up oxygen starved and unable to fulfill their needs. So plaster that sucker on your gob first. Then hers. TRUE DAT. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members UstadKhanAli Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 I don`t know Gus... for you to do a complete 180 with someone you felt was your "almost future wife" in such a short space... I have a hard time believing you were in "love" in the first place. But I think that you feel duped. You trust someone, you think they're a certain way, and BAM, they're not. They're someone who lies to you, cheats on you, and is not the person you think she is. Why wouldn't you want to do a 180? That actually seems quite reasonable to me. Regardless, I agree with the sentiment of your first (or was it second post) where you have to find happiness within yourself and not through someone else: Depending on other people to make you happy will always fail eventually. That much is certain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members UstadKhanAli Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 We usually don't agree a lot, but I could not have said this better. And it's THEN that you realize that you've fully learned your lesson. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lukenskywalker Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 We usually don't agree a lot, but I could not have said this better. That's cuz are primary motive here is to try and help out a brother, not fight with each other... Anyway, thanks Gus, for the thumbs up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ernest Buckley Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 So, yes, I'm in the market now. Ready to be an statistic for tons of hot chicks who do not want/need a formal relationship in the mean time I commit again the idiocy of choosing only one... why the {censored} not? Thats fine too but just realize, when you put your ex in the category of being a statistic, you are doing the same for many of these women you plan on screwing. Both parties become statistics. Thats all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ernest Buckley Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 But I think that you feel duped. You trust someone, you think they're a certain way, and BAM, they're not. They're someone who lies to you, cheats on you, and is not the person you think she is. Why wouldn't you want to do a 180? That actually seems quite reasonable to me. When you trust someone and start thinking "this is the one", and they suddenly cheat on you, there is going to be a lot of hurt and anger. If you were in love with that person and they with you, no matter how much they pissed you off and hurt you, you eventually either forgive them or it was not really love. Now one may ask, "If they truly loved me, why would they cheat on me?" The answer is that we as humans do stupid things. We often sabotage ourselves for various reasons. Not to get to philosophical about this but when I use the word love, I am not talking about "love" that most people are referring to. I`m talking about that creative force/intelligence within us and everything, that place of non-judgement and allowing where everything is possible. Not many people experience that sort of love in this physical plane. If thats too much to grasp, consider this: when you forgive, you love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gus Lozada Posted July 19, 2010 Share Posted July 19, 2010 Basically what I`m getting at is this: If you can just walk away from your "almost future wife" with just 24 hours of mourning, you did not truly love her in the first place. I can. I just did. Didn't you just said: Depending on other people to make you happy will always fail eventually. So, that is me, depending on me, controlling my brain and emotions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ernest Buckley Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 I can. I just did. Didn't you just said: So, that is me, depending on me, controlling my brain and emotions. OK. Whatever works amigo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gus Lozada Posted July 19, 2010 Share Posted July 19, 2010 When you trust someone and start thinking "this is the one", and they suddenly cheat on you, there is going to be a lot of hurt and anger. If you were in love with that person and they with you, no matter how much they pissed you off and hurt you, you eventually either forgive them or it was not really love. Now one may ask, "If they truly loved me, why would they cheat on me?" The answer is that we as humans do stupid things. We often sabotage ourselves for various reasons. Not to get to philosophical about this but when I use the word love, I am not talking about "love" that most people are referring to. I`m talking about that creative force/intelligence within us and everything, that place of non-judgement and allowing where everything is possible. Not many people experience that sort of love in this physical plane. If thats too much to grasp, consider this: when you forgive, you love. You should write novels for women, dude. Those may compete against The Twilight saga. It seems you are forgetting that she forgot about "her immense love" while she was dancing the funky chicken with her trainer. So, I just reacted accordingly. You should also consider that "Forgiving" does not always mean "I forgive you, I want you back no matter what". "Forgiving" does ALSO mean "I accept this. Move on with your life, I'll do the same" without looking for a revenge or anything in a way you can keep on with your life and with a clean mind where you know you did the right thing and the best possible all the time, no matter what. If you did not get the same, that is not your business now. Moving on is your business. Perhaps your only task after that is to wonder what could have been done differently to avoid it happening or to avoid it happening again in the future. I know what happened here and for many reasons I know I could not have done anything differently, so, it was meant to happen anyway, with the only exception, of course, she may had put "her love" before her horny-ness. (Is that a word, anyway? ). That is one of Buda's strongest lessons: Not "to forgive" as in "put the other cheek" but as in "accepting and moving on" to keep being a healthy, clean, illuminated person. So, wherever you believe me or not, that is my opinion and I'm acting according to my own beliefs. Hopefully, our friend Phait may find some comfort soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ernest Buckley Posted July 19, 2010 Members Share Posted July 19, 2010 You should write novels for women, dude. Those may compete against The Twilight saga. It seems you are forgetting that she forgot about " her immense love" while she was dancing the funky chicken with her trainer. So, I just reacted accordingly. You should also consider that "Forgiving" does not always mean "I forgive you, I want you back no matter what". "Forgiving" does ALSO mean "I accept this. Move on with your life, I'll do the same" without looking for a revenge or anything in a way you can keep on with your life and with a clean mind where you know you did the right thing and the best possible all the time, no matter what. If you did not get the same, that is not your business now. Moving on is your business. Perhaps your only task after that is to wonder what could have been done differently to avoid it happening or to avoid it happening again in the future. I know what happened here and for many reasons I know I could not have done anything differently, so, it was meant to happen anyway, with the only exception, of course, she may had put "her love" before her horny-ness. (Is that a word, anyway? ). That is one of Buda's strongest lessons: Not " to forgive" as in "put the other cheek" but as in " accepting and moving on" to keep being a healthy, clean, illuminated person. So, wherever you believe me or not, that is my opinion and I'm acting according to my own beliefs. Hopefully, our friend Phait may find some comfort soon. I hear ya, just saying... it wasn`t really love. As for Phait, of course, these things are very difficult but as he said in his post, he was judging/nit picking... so most of what I wrote in my first post was referring to that point. As for you Gus... wear a rubber. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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