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  • Out of Ways to Lie

    Hey everyone--
    Sorry I haven't been around as much. I've been writing a lot, just haven't felt the need for feedback until now. Here's a new acoustic track, I like a lot of it, but I'd love some specific feedback if possible. If possible, please listen to the track *first* before reading the questions.

    Thanks everyone, hope all are well!!

    https://soundcloud.com/martinbfranci...o-lie-acoustic

    *** Key questions I have below the lyric ***


    "Out of Ways to Lie"

    This is where the party ends
    We'll never call but say were friends
    Avoid the clubs we used to go
    Dividing up the friends we know

    Chorus
    And I say your bed don't feel like home
    And I'm probably better on my own
    I say a whole world feels brand new
    But I'm out of ways to lie and say I don't love you

    Tell me where we go from here
    Because you and I seem to crystal clear
    And I used to sound so sure and strong
    Now everything comes out all wrong

    Chorus

    Bridge
    And who cares what we say
    I can't hear anymore
    And who cares what we do
    We are the same as before
    And who cares who was wrong or right tonight?

    This is where the party ends
    We'll never call but say were friends
    But I'm not crying why are you
    walk out the door and we'll be through

    Chorus


    Key questions:
    * Am I ripping something off anywhere?
    * Is the the title confusing on first listen? So many negatives: out of ways to lie I don't love...the misdirection is intentional, but does it impact the song?
    * What do you think of the bridge? I'm on the fence, esp. the melody...it was written very quickly.
    * Any suggestions for improvement? There are a few lines I'm not crazy about.

    Thanks!
    Last edited by mbfrancis; 08-03-2017, 11:54 PM.

  • #2
    Very nice tune, interesting "break-up song," instantly listenable, still running through my head.

    I don't think you're ripping anybody off (except maybe yourself!). I like the title, but if I think of something better I'll let you know! And yes, I think the bridge needs work. (You may not even need one.)

    I'm not very enthused about the "I say your bed don't feel like home" line. Don't get me wrong, it's a great line except for the opening phrase "I say..."

    I think "And now ... your bed don't feel like home." Or if you want to add a word, "And now ... your bed no longer feels like home." I mean it's a great line, but it's not quite there yet.

    Also, I think the last line is almost there but doesn't quite have the pop it could.

    But I'm not crying why are you
    walk out the door and we'll be through...

    I don't have a replacement line in mind. If I think of something better I'll get back to you.

    Anyway, it's very nice so far.
    Last edited by LCK; 08-04-2017, 10:15 AM.
    “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by LCK View Post
      Very nice tune, interesting "break-up song," instantly listenable, still running through my head.

      I don't think you're ripping anybody off (except maybe yourself!). I like the title, but if I think of something better I'll let you know! And yes, I think the bridge needs work. (You may not even need one.)

      I'm not very enthused about the "I say your bed don't feel like home" line. Don't get me wrong, it's a great line except for the opening phrase "I say..."

      I think "And now ... your bed don't feel like home." Or if you want to add a word, "And now ... your bed no longer feels like home." I mean it's a great line, but it's not quite there yet.

      Also, I think the last line is almost there but doesn't quite have the pop it could.

      But I'm not crying why are you
      walk out the door and we'll be through...

      I don't have a replacement line in mind. If I think of something better I'll get back to you.

      Anyway, it's very nice so far.

      Hey LCK!! Thanks for the detailed feedback.

      You nail the weakest line (walk out the door) - I'd love to find a replacement, shouldn't be too hard.

      I added the words "I say" deliberately (wasn't there originally) to the chorus so it was more clear at the hook (out of ways to lie) that *these* are the lies I'm out of. Does that make sense? This is part of my struggle around the chorus, is it just too confusing argh...

      Thanks again!!

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by mbfrancis View Post

        I added the words "I say" deliberately (wasn't there originally) to the chorus so it was more clear at the hook (out of ways to lie) that *these* are the lies I'm out of!
        Ah-ha! Yes, well the problem is that those "I say" statements don't sound like lies.
        Last edited by LCK; 08-04-2017, 08:27 PM.
        “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by LCK View Post

          Ah-ha! Yes, well the problem is that those "I say" statements don't sound like lies.
          Ugh. Worried chorus is too confusing. Hmmm...

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by LCK View Post

            Ah-ha! Yes, well the problem is that those "I say" statements don't sound like lies.

            This. The last line of the chorus acts as exposition rather than climax. We need to understand the whole situation (the relationship is over, he wants to be ok with that, but he is not) before the turn in the last line of the chorus can hit us as the climax. The first time through the chorus the listener is not in the moment, he is going back through the previous verse and the rest of the chorus to recast and adjust his understanding of the situation. If you could make the "I say" statements express both the desire to accept the situation and the failure to really do so, then the chorus would hit harder.

            What if you changed "I say" to "I tried to say"? Doesn't scan now, but that makes the lines carry the dual meaning that you need to express before you get to the last line of the chorus.
            Last edited by rsadasiv; 09-03-2017, 12:42 PM.
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