Out of Ways to Lie

[mbfrancis]

Hey everyone--

Sorry I haven't been around as much. I've been writing a lot, just haven't felt the need for feedback until now. Here's a new acoustic track, I like a lot of it, but I'd love some specific feedback if possible. If possible, please listen to the track *first* before reading the questions.

 

Thanks everyone, hope all are well!!

 

https://soundcloud.com/martinbfranci...o-lie-acoustic

 

*** Key questions I have below the lyric ***

 

 

"Out of Ways to Lie"

 

This is where the party ends

We'll never call but say were friends

Avoid the clubs we used to go

Dividing up the friends we know

 

Chorus

And I say your bed don't feel like home

And I'm probably better on my own

I say a whole world feels brand new

But I'm out of ways to lie and say I don't love you

 

Tell me where we go from here

Because you and I seem to crystal clear

And I used to sound so sure and strong

Now everything comes out all wrong

 

Chorus

 

Bridge

And who cares what we say

I can't hear anymore

And who cares what we do

We are the same as before

And who cares who was wrong or right tonight?

 

This is where the party ends

We'll never call but say were friends

But I'm not crying why are you

walk out the door and we'll be through

 

Chorus

 

 

Key questions:

* Am I ripping something off anywhere?

* Is the the title confusing on first listen? So many negatives: out of ways to lie I don't love...the misdirection is intentional, but does it impact the song?

* What do you think of the bridge? I'm on the fence, esp. the melody...it was written very quickly.

* Any suggestions for improvement? There are a few lines I'm not crazy about.

 

Thanks!

[LCK]

Very nice tune, interesting "break-up song," instantly listenable, still running through my head.

 

I don't think you're ripping anybody off (except maybe yourself!). I like the title, but if I think of something better I'll let you know! And yes, I think the bridge needs work. (You may not even need one.)

 

I'm not very enthused about the "I say your bed don't feel like home" line. Don't get me wrong, it's a great line except for the opening phrase "I say..."

 

I think "And now ... your bed don't feel like home." Or if you want to add a word, "And now ... your bed no longer feels like home." I mean it's a great line, but it's not quite there yet.

 

Also, I think the last line is almost there but doesn't quite have the pop it could.

 

But I'm not crying why are you

walk out the door and we'll be through...

 

I don't have a replacement line in mind. If I think of something better I'll get back to you.

 

Anyway, it's very nice so far.

[mbfrancis]

Very nice tune, interesting "break-up song," instantly listenable, still running through my head.

 

I don't think you're ripping anybody off (except maybe yourself!). I like the title, but if I think of something better I'll let you know! And yes, I think the bridge needs work. (You may not even need one.)

 

I'm not very enthused about the "I say your bed don't feel like home" line. Don't get me wrong, it's a great line except for the opening phrase "I say..."

 

I think "And now ... your bed don't feel like home." Or if you want to add a word, "And now ... your bed no longer feels like home." I mean it's a great line, but it's not quite there yet.

 

Also, I think the last line is almost there but doesn't quite have the pop it could.

 

But I'm not crying why are you

walk out the door and we'll be through...

 

I don't have a replacement line in mind. If I think of something better I'll get back to you.

 

Anyway, it's very nice so far.

 

 

Hey LCK!! Thanks for the detailed feedback.

 

You nail the weakest line (walk out the door) - I'd love to find a replacement, shouldn't be too hard.

 

I added the words "I say" deliberately (wasn't there originally) to the chorus so it was more clear at the hook (out of ways to lie) that *these* are the lies I'm out of. Does that make sense? This is part of my struggle around the chorus, is it just too confusing argh...

 

Thanks again!!

[LCK]

 

I added the words "I say" deliberately (wasn't there originally) to the chorus so it was more clear at the hook (out of ways to lie) that *these* are the lies I'm out of!

 

Ah-ha! Yes, well the problem is that those "I say" statements don't sound like lies.

[mbfrancis]

 

Ah-ha! Yes, well the problem is that those "I say" statements don't sound like lies.

 

Ugh. Worried chorus is too confusing. Hmmm...

 

[rsadasiv]

 

Ah-ha! Yes, well the problem is that those "I say" statements don't sound like lies.

 

 

This. The last line of the chorus acts as exposition rather than climax. We need to understand the whole situation (the relationship is over, he wants to be ok with that, but he is not) before the turn in the last line of the chorus can hit us as the climax. The first time through the chorus the listener is not in the moment, he is going back through the previous verse and the rest of the chorus to recast and adjust his understanding of the situation. If you could make the "I say" statements express both the desire to accept the situation and the failure to really do so, then the chorus would hit harder.

 

What if you changed "I say" to "I tried to say"? Doesn't scan now, but that makes the lines carry the dual meaning that you need to express before you get to the last line of the chorus.

[carterelwin]

Hey man, you have so long chorus you need to cut the chorus slightly, it sounds like a verse. People remember short melodious choruses. I sometimes write some poems, but I'm afraid to format them into music. Since most of my time I am engaged in writing at topessaybuy so in my free time I do it. So don't affraid change rythmic and melody.

[tony333]

It is always strange critiquing someone else's stuff. I like this a lot. Probably my favorite that I have heard of yours. The line about "walk out the door" I would try to find something else there. I also don't think you need the bridge for this song. Not sure if it adds anything to the feeling or story.

 

Still really good. Kudos!

[AlamoJoe]

I think it's a great song with a guitar style that strikes me as very Dylanish. A good thing to my ears. You have a pretty unique and pleasant singing style going on as well. I'm not going to critique anything because I've never written anything that good.

 

Hope you keep working on this one until you're happy with it, it's a Goodun'.