Harmony Central Forums
Announcement
Collapse
No announcement yet.

Follow Me Home - WIP

Collapse



X
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Follow Me Home - WIP

    EDIT: Tweaked lyric, retracked vocal


    Hello, I hope everyone is well...here's a song I wrote to a deadline and now I'm looking back and trying to clean it up. I've already got some good feedback (e.g., the 'chorus' is really a pre-chorus and it needs a bigger hook), but let em know what you think of the melody/lyrics. The vocal recording is awful, I'll improve as I tweak.

    https://soundcloud.com/martinbfranci...me-home-wip-v8
    “Follow Me Home”

    “If we’re so high,” she said
    “Why’s it feel like the bottom of the cold cold sea instead
    We open mouths to kiss and water rushes in our heads (to our heads?)
    We open eyes to see and everything’s a muddy blur --
    Like everything we were”

    When the whirlpool pulls
    You can take my hand
    If the word’s come wrong
    I’ll will understand
    Don’t you get it, man?
    You don’t have to be alone
    You can cast yourself out
    Or you can follow me home

    "If we’re still alive," she says,
    "It feels like we’d be happier if we died," she says
    Everyone would talk about us while they cried, cried," she says,
    "And right now no one talks aloud to either you or I
    but they will to say goodbye"

    When the whirlpool pulls...
    Last edited by mbfrancis; 06-23-2017, 12:41 PM. Reason: swapped in new mix

  • #2
    Martin - it has a good feel - both melodically and lyrically, but I have a suggestion.

    The verses are wordy in a purposeful way and they work like that, and when you enter the chorus the meter becomes nice and simple which is a good contrast to the verse. But it doesn't stay simple - in the 2nd half of the chorus it starts to feel cluttered in comparison to the 1st half.
    Here's my suggestion for something smoother:

    When the whirlpool pulls
    You can take my hand
    If the word’s come wrong
    I’ll will understand
    Don’t you get it, man?
    Why be alone?
    Just cast yourself out
    Or follow me home

    This may not fit with your intention, but it is what my ear is hearing.

    'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
    CHARLIE PARKER

    Comment


    • #3
      Hey OGP! Thanks for the feedback. That's funny, I heard the total opposite, I was *trying* to get busier as the chorus went on, kind of like working into a pitch until the end. But I could totally see a smoother melody on "you don't have to be alone" to break it up. Hmmmm....good stuff. Thanks again!

      Comment


      • #4
        It's good to see somebody still writing and posting. I miss the buzz of this forum when it was running on high octane.

        Your approach to the chorus may still prove to be the best. We follow our vision until we see a real reason to change.
        My ear just liked the juxtaposition between wordy verses punctuated by short statement lines in the chorus.

        You'll find what's right for the song.
        'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
        CHARLIE PARKER

        Comment


        • #5
          I've always liked your approach to songwriting. The tune is great as always, but I think the rushed nature of your lyric, particularly in the verses, is just a tad too much.

          If it were my song I'd also re-work the first verse from a different angle, maybe get rid of the muddy water metaphors and find some other way to tell the story. You should keep the idea of drowning. Drowning is good. I like it. But the rest just doesn't ring true to me. It sounds written rather than spoken.
          “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by LCK View Post
            I've always liked your approach to songwriting. The tune is great as always, but I think the rushed nature of your lyric, particularly in the verses, is just a tad too much.

            If it were my song I'd also re-work the first verse from a different angle, maybe get rid of the muddy water metaphors and find some other way to tell the story. You should keep the idea of drowning. Drowning is good. I like it. But the rest just doesn't ring true to me. It sounds written rather than spoken.

            Hey LCK, good to see you, thanks for the feedback.

            I get it. On v1, yeah "why's it feel" feels rushed to me (also hard to understand).

            I've been leaning into extended metaphors as a way to bring in concrete *stuff*, nouns, without actually writing about *stuff* like muddy water. I usually start with the first line - "if we're so high" and then what's the opposite metaphorically and go from there. Yeah, it's more an exercise than something visceral, but it's saying something I hope. "Here we are, supposedly happy, but our love feels cold, and when we kiss, I feel suffocated, when I try to examine what's going on, it's all hazy, unclear...I can't even really remember why I'm with you." Second verse isn't as strong, but paints a picture of the woman. Not disagreeing with you, I just don't know where I'd start (other than maybe a new massive chorus ha).

            Thanks again, good to see you here.
            Last edited by mbfrancis; 07-04-2017, 10:29 AM.

            Comment













            Working...
            X