New song WIP, need lyric help

[mbfrancis]

Woah, sorry I haven't been around a while. Have been doing a lot of recording, not a lot song writing.

Here's a new song I like a lot, but I'm a little stuck on the lyrics. Love the music. I like the first verse and a few other lines, but I'm not crazy about the title and other lines.

 

https://soundcloud.com/martinbfranci...irl-decide-wip

 

 

[Edit: I bolded lines I think are weakest.]

 

“Dream Girl Decide”

 

She says we go –

Right out the window

And fly in slow mo

Across the sea

I scream, she stands

Knee deep in quick sands

And strains at tied hands

she’ll never free

 

CHORUS

Dream girl decide

Are you my trauma queen

Self-doused in gasoline

for me

let’s stay alive

I’m too tired to make a scene

Too old to act 19

For you

No matter what you’ve been through

 

When she’s high I’m low

Shivering in her shadow

but she knows I know

she'll soon come down

I scream she sighs

And shifts to overdrive

If we get out alive

I’ll kiss the ground

 

CHORUS

 

Let’s burn the place down

Then do it again

Let’s burn like we won’t see daylight again

Let’s burn the place down

Then do it again

I’ll still be your friend

If we do it again

 

I’m waking up for you

 

CHORUS

[Mikeo]

I liked it, kind of a Ben Fold vibe.

 

I like your stuff more than most pop rock stuff out there today.

 

[mbfrancis]

I liked it, kind of a Ben Fold vibe.

 

I like your stuff more than most pop rock stuff out there today.

Hey thanks appreciated

[nat whilk II]

Hey Martin - nice ta see ya - I'll ponder on your lyrics for a few days...if I get any ideas, I'll post them up -

 

nat

 

[nat whilk II]

Woah, sorry I haven't been around a while. Have been doing a lot of recording, not a lot song writing.

Here's a new song I like a lot, but I'm a little stuck on the lyrics. Love the music. I like the first verse and a few other lines, but I'm not crazy about the title and other lines.

 

Here's a toss at the wall - no striking images or metaphors or cleverness, but I think it helps clarify the jist of the disfunctional situation, and you've got plenty of striking images in your other lines, so a bit of plain-speaking won't hurt -

 

What will it be?

Are you my trauma queen

Self-doused in gasoline

for me

Say we agree?

I’m too tired to make a scene

You're too old to act 19

It's true

No matter what we’ve been through

 

nat

 

[mbfrancis]

 

Here's a toss at the wall - no striking images or metaphors or cleverness, but I think it helps clarify the jist of the disfunctional situation, and you've got plenty of striking images in your other lines, so a bit of plain-speaking won't hurt -

 

What will it be?

Are you my trauma queen

Self-doused in gasoline

for me

Say we agree?

I’m too tired to make a scene

You're too old to act 19

It's true

No matter what we’ve been through

 

nat

 

Hey Nat I like that a lot, you're right I may be overthinking it. A friend also proposed making the chorus a straight up choice...this or that. I think something like this might work, thanks!

[LCK]

This is great!

 

I don't see anything wrong with the original lyric. At all.

[mbfrancis]

This is great!

 

I don't see anything wrong with the original lyric. At all.

 

 

Thanks LCK--

Yeah I think it works as is, although I have some ideas that might make it stronger. Just not crazy about the current title.

 

 

[LCK]

Either "Dream Girl" or "Trauma Queen?"

[LCK]

Or "Dream Girl, Trauma Queen."