Members rickidoo Posted December 15, 2016 Members Share Posted December 15, 2016 I know I don't post much - I haven't written much songs in the last year. But I have run into a lyrical question and I know of no better board than this one to ask about that. So here goes... this is early concept demo. I have a couple of things would not mind feedback at this point. I marked the first one below: The 2nd line: "My heart can take your deepest punches". I feel that ought to be parallel to the line above, especially the heart part, but not be an exact repeat. Any ideas? I don't... or keep as is? The second is the transition that occurs at 1:14 when I repeat "nothing". I have not put the fuill song up, but the end of the song ends with that as well, "you're nothing" What's your reaction to that sudden change? Again, this is at a "concept demo" stage. You Make a Zero Look Big©2016 Rick Dieffenbach Hit me once, hit me twice, I won't, go down, without a fightMy heart can take your deepest punchesMy heart can take your deepest punches <<<<< what could replace the 2nd "your deepest punches"? You live a dream, that you tell yourselfbut there is only one truth, and I remember it well You're liv’en a lie, that you tell your friendsI got a message for you, you’re noth’n in the end You make a zero look big, You make a zero look bigAt the end of the day, I'm big and you're smallI'm taller than you, you're nothing... <<< Transition Here BridgeThere was a time in my lifeWhen I thought I could forget it allBut when you started a new version of the pastI knew I had to fight back Hit you once, hit you twiceI won’t back down or pay your priceMy heart did take your deepest punchesMy heart did take your deepest punches <<< again the same question Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted December 15, 2016 Members Share Posted December 15, 2016 Hey, Rick, ever live in Maine? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted December 16, 2016 Author Members Share Posted December 16, 2016 Hey' date=' Rick, ever live in Maine?[/quote'] 19 beautiful years @ Topsham. And you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted December 16, 2016 Members Share Posted December 16, 2016 Hi Rick, I've been absent from the workshop for maybe a year now, but just decided to put my head round the door and see whether the moribund had breathed a new breath. It still seems to be in the doldrums however. Anyway - I looked at your request and thought that a rhyme with 'fight' and 'price' might be the way to go. So how about........... Hit me once, hit me twice, I won't, go down, without a fightMy heart can take your deepest punchesMy heart can take your sharpest spiteor My heart can take your harshest spiteor My heart can take your bitter spiteor My heart can take your cutting spiteor My heart can take your vicious spite Hit you once, hit you twiceI won’t back down or pay your priceMy heart did take your deepest punchesMy heart did take your sharpest spite Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted December 16, 2016 Author Members Share Posted December 16, 2016 Hey Phil. Wow. Nice to run into you! Those are brilliant. I knew I came to the right place. I am using them. I just could not get off dead center. Thanks. Hope all is well in the down under. Peace and joy, Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted December 16, 2016 Members Share Posted December 16, 2016 19 beautiful years @ Topsham. And you? Here since '88 and used to use Allure Creative! Charlie Bernstein - used to work at Maine Initiatives, and you built a website for us. Harmony Central wouldn't accept my name as a user name, so I use Delmont here, instead. We have about six inches of snow on the ground. Looks like we're in for another patheticaly wimpy winter. Finally got down to zero degrees, but we're getting snow and then rain over the weekend. Other than that and a peculiar governor, Maine hasn't changed much. How's Floridiana? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted December 18, 2016 Members Share Posted December 18, 2016 I'm glad it was useful Rick. Peace, joy and good things from down under to up over all in the US of A. I see you are experiencing 'interesting' times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted December 19, 2016 Author Members Share Posted December 19, 2016 Thanks git. And it was very useful. I ended up not using the exact suggestion, but it caused me to think about some other possibilities and I ended up with one that worked for me at least. Interesting times... oh boy. I just pray that my grand kids, your grand kids and all kids survive, literally, the next 4 years. All I can say to my overseas friends like yourself, is this is not who we are. Here's the finished song. It's for a friend that just faced her abuser after a lifetime of hiding in shame. You Make a Zero Look Big©Copyright 2016 Rick Dieffenbach Hit me once, hit me twice, I won't, go down, without a fightMy heart can take your deepest punchesNo longer will I run for cover You live a dream, that you tell yourselfbut there’s only one truth, and I remember it wellYou’re liven a lie, that you tell your friendsI got a message for you, you’re noth’n in the end You make a zero look big, you make a zero look bigAt the end of the day, I'm big and you're smallI'm taller than you, you're nothing Bridge:There was a time in my lifeWhen I thought I could forget it allBut when you started a new version of my pastI knew I had to fight……….. back…………… [iNSTRUMENTAL] Hit me once, I’ll hit you twiceI won’t back off or run and hideMy heart did take your deepest punchesThe snake now slithers to find cover You live a dream, that you tell yourselfbut there’s only one truth, and I remember it wellYou’re liven a lie, that you tell your friendsI got a message for you, you’re noth’n in the end You make a zero look big, You make a zero look bigAt the end of the day, I'm big and you're smallI'm taller than you, you're nothing Big, You make a zero look bigAt the end of the day, I'm big and you're smallI'm taller than you, you're nothing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted December 23, 2016 Members Share Posted December 23, 2016 Really nice! I was waiting forAt the end of the day, I'm big and you're smallI'm taller than you, you're nothing.....NOTHING AT ALL very good - hope all is good with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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