Bleeding Out - first song in 9 mos!

[mbfrancis]

Sorry all if I've been a little AWOL. Been busy with work plus trying to finish mixes on my EP. I'll try to start chiming in on recent posts over the next few days.

 

After 9 mos. of not writing at all, I did this track for a 24-hr competition - record and mix a complete song in <24 hours. I wrote and recorded it - the arrangement could use some love, but I'm pretty happy with it. At least I can still write songs...let me know what you guys think:

 

 

"Bleeding Out"

 

You and I are stuck

like a traffic jam

We should’ve stayed in

Now you’re crying in your hands

While I’m road-raging

And look - the crash

Let’s gawk together

Soon that’ll be you and me babe

Carried out on stretchers

 

CHORUS

And let‘s see how far we drive

Let’s kiss and call it love

You don’t show what’s inside

But when you kiss you’re drawing blood

But you’re so cool cool cool

and my heart’s so full

Could we work this out?

Cause it’s a perfect day for bleeding out

 

You and I are stuck

like the quickening sands

Aren’t you thinking

That the harder we try the

Faster we’re sinking

so climb out with my heart

I won’t be needin’

Got your foot in my face

And it feels like freedom

 

CHORUS

 

BRIDGE

Tick tock, drip drop

How’d we get so old?

drip drop

Why’s it feel so cold?

[Delmont]

Good stuff!

[tbry]

Very good...a couple spots of a lot of words being fit in but really doesn't matter. You did good...

[LCK]

Terrific. Very clever, an unusual twist on a love song, as usual. Some really clever, stand-out lines throughout. And the usual unusual, angular melody line.

 

I would just re-think rhyming "out" with "out" in the last 2 lines of the chorus. Shout, doubt, about, pout?

[rhino55]

Nicely executed.

 

As a general rule, I try and stay away from similes, because I think metaphors are stronger. I'd be inclined to lose the "like" before "traffic jam." I think what you have works, but it's something to consider.

 

 

Terrific. Very clever' date=' an unusual twist on a love song, as usual. Some really clever, stand-out lines throughout. And the usual [i']un[/i]usual, angular melody line.

 

I would just re-think rhyming "out" with "out" in the last 2 lines of the chorus. Shout, doubt, about, pout?

 

 

+1

 

[mbfrancis]

Thanks, lads - all great points, all of which I considered believe it or not. Doesn't mean I'm right, though.

 

I thought the blatant simile set up the verses better, considering they carried the simile through the whole verse. Didn't want any ambiguity about whether it was symbolic or real. (First draft was "like *this* traffic jam"...i.e., 'we're just like the traffic jam we're sitting in,' but that got confusing.)

 

I'm not rhyming 'out' with 'out,' I'm rhyming 'out' with 'sout,' as in 'work thi-Sout'...that was the idea anyway, which is why I sang it that way. Perhaps unsuccessful.

 

[Only thing I really don't love is use of 'heart' in v2, which is unnecessary and makes the subsequent choruses confusing (how can his heart be full if he doesn't need it).]

 

Really missed you guys.

 

[nat whilk II]

Great to hear something new from you.

 

Typically I don't like songs so "wordy", or should I say, so many words-per-minute. But you've got a pretty song with a not-so-pretty message, so the slightly crammed lyrics bring some needed intensity.

 

An idea to highlight the tag words "bleeding out" - if it were my song, I'd work the phrasing so that there were two beats without lyrics preceeding "bleed" and that "out" was on a one. There's any number of ways to accomplish this.

 

Or another way - maybe you sing "perfect day" then count out about a measure and a half, then "for bleeding out". This would make "perfect day" sound a lot more ironic, and it would highlight "bleeding out" in a more contrasty way.

 

Hope this makes sense -

 

nat whilk ii

 

 

 

[mbfrancis]

Thanks Nat, I get what you're saying.